Sunday, December 16, 2007

The master plan

I have concluded that in order to implement my evil plan of owning an orange kitchen aid mixer, I will have to get married.

Married people get all kinds of kitchen loot, whats more you can register and increase profits exponentially. Now all I need to do is go around asking random strangers to marry me until one of them says yes.. or a better idea would be to ask people I already know. I should make a list of vegan prospects, start form the best and work my way down.

My this is my best idea yet.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

"You don't want to go down there"

I already made a post on LJ, you can find it in the above link. Since this is a little more private and personal (i.e. most people don't bother to read this).

I just keep googling and searching for information on it. Animal rights groups, people who know or care or anything... I just can't function right now. I don't know why. I have seen unimaginable cruelty that has been captured and brought into the light, I know the facts... but I'm so shaken. I just keep going back to how cold the steal was, how sharp and how real everything is.

And then comes all the hate, searching dal and animal rights or dals site and you come across so much of it, it makes me so sick and sad. "I've said it once, and I will say it again. Animal Rights Activists are crazy" accusal slander and everything, every which way. Hippy freaks, softies, and what have you. I've always been alienated but this stuff just gets to me, I don't know if I can find anyone to talk to about how I feel... it seems like even AR people or my online friends would scoff at the reaction i'm having. I knew all major universities, I knew dal was a major university, but i've lived her for months.... i've been to the labs.. there just wasn't anything there.. no room for the animals. It just couldn't be happening hear. But it.

And whats worst event he people who care about animals, don't seem to mind. Fuck, I don't know what i'm trying to say and I don't know how to articulate what I feel or what I feel. Its just shock. Sick, vile ill feelings mixed with confusion and loneliness. I can't just sit back, but the though of it paralyzes me. What can I do how can I help? Am I strong enough to volunteer there? To check things out? Can I handle that? would I even make the cut if I tried?

Can I protest? Would anyone care? Would i be more alienated and alone? does that even matter? Is a protest enough? Can I sit and write letters knowing how down the hall or downstairs its happening? I have a chemistry exam tomorrow that i'm probably not ready for but i can't even think or function or sleep. I need sleep.. but it's just so awful.

There is just so much hatred. Hatred for all the people who stand up for animals or who care, how do you face that?

I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I really feel more alone then ever. I don't know what any of this means.. but i'm going to stop writing.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Homecoming approaches

Shit.Shit.Shit.
I am going home soon, in two weeks. First term is over, shitty school marks and stressing aside, when I go home Master is going to want to hang out. I'm worried, particularly these past weeks things are getting a little out of control for me. I'm falling, and failing and I need something to land on or grab hold of. no socializing, no sex, no dating, no human contact.

Let's just say there are some cravings, not all the naughty kind either. the closeness, or love, the familiar. I know once he finds out he'll want to "just hang out" and I don't think i'm strong enough for that. But at the same time, why refrain? For once, he isn't dating a friend, before I left he confessed to me and asked me out. I don't have anyone else, and should really stop fooling myself over this summer love shit. Because there's nothing there, first crush or not, nothing will come of it. So why not just do it? I'm a modern age woman, I don't even like the idea of monogamy so why the restraint? Why the fear, the feeling that I'll be worst off...

Monday, November 12, 2007

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

I have chem lab at 8am tomorrow.
I cannot figure out what we are supposed to write for this chem lab write up, due tomorrow before new lab.
None of my teachers will check their e-mails about it.
No one on the discussion board posted any answers, and no one is responding to my posts.
I don't know anyone in my Chem Class.
People in the same Chem Class, Different times aren't responding to any e-mails or facebook attempts all day.
I am tired.
And Getting Sick.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Wasted Day. Bah

So I slept all day, fuck. Got up around 11:30 watch secretary. Great movie. Awesome love story, hot as heck, funny as hell. Been feeling up and down.. really. Showered, watching six feet under.. for the past while.

Still no word from Dos, I can't get a hold of him, what a waste of a day. I feel as if I should be angry or something... annoyed at least? I don't know... I just wish I had a way to reach him. Maybe I just want to feel sometime normal, or recognizable.. even.

I was just looking forward to seeing an old friend, to talk to.. or even to talk. I haven't eaten yet.. maybe i should go get some shit mailed.. or go out to dinner or eat. I don't want to miss a call though. That's what I've been telling myself all day. Heck, I even got dressed dressed.

Heck even go read for school... I feel like I'm wasting away. I really like snow.

I have no idea what this post is about... i think I just want to waste time until I have to sleep or get a call. Or at least something to say what came up or... something. I just feel really silly.. and like I may be this way for a very very long time.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

I just feel... really down. I feel like I'm about to cry and honestly there's no real reason. I just feel extremely alone.
And I can't seem to remember the simple portions of my math and I just wanted to get some fucking work done so this week isn't as miserable as the last few... but I just can't.. It's like even when I try, I always come up short.

I feel as if all I need are a few examples to look at or something and it will all click, but it's so frustrating to not be able to find anything that explains this shit. No centers will be open until Monday, and my questions are stupid clarifications. Why do I feel so hollow? Like some huge laughing stock failure.

I also looked through some photos from the gathering and my last party, now not only am I missing things I've lost for good, but things I'm simply missing now. I miss my friends. All of them. And I want my crush to fade. I seem to want a lot all of a sudden..

What the fuck is going on?

I feel so out of wack with everything, I'm getting angry over things. My room stresses me the fuck out. sigh maybe I should take a page from adam's book and just look up appartments and think about how much better next year will be. But then I start to think about what if it isn't? you know? i mean how many years did I spend thinking how much better it would be once I got back here?

I'm here now? and.... well you know the just of it. I mean what if it doesn't help. What if even with a nice space, human contact, real food, what if I still can't make it. Or worst what if we can't afford it? I mean adam and I together is still a pretty penny, it's doubtful either aaron or john will leave rez. And I'm fairly certain Adam isn't to comfortable about the whole non-aaron or john roomate.

I mean sure now, my parents are willing to give me the cash I need for it. But who knows with them, this is probably a fleeting whim. Or worst maybe adam's going to decide he doesn't want me around, then how fucked would I be.

Then again, maybe I'm just being the huge pessimist i always am and everything will turn out fine.

Friday, October 26, 2007

What the fuck is it that makes me such a bitch , just for having the nerve to stand up for myself?

Seriously? What the fuck is with you people? And I know I am just fucking pissed off right now, and this is a rant. Vengeance in written verse, pent up rage but honestly Fuck the three of your. I am so sick of this shit! First you have JM go off on me, when I really fucking needed it. Put me down for my faults, and how I'm struggling. Getting pissed that I didn't have a huge head start on my homework, well fuck you I have other classes and commitments. Not to mention I'm sure the three of you realy suffered without one night of your fucking tv. How many times have I been ready or wanting to watch and we had to wait for YOUR fucking shit. What my commitments are somehow less valid? Oh I see, I don't need to do home work if it competes with your precious whims. But you can game, or study till your hearts content and fuck me if I should make a peep. Then you wait for me outside class, make sure all resolved, that she's docilated. Won't cause a scene.

Well i have news I didn;t even want your fucking help. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just making a bad name for myself, because the lot of you have moved on. So the issues closed, right? Well fuck it. It wasn;t your issue to close, I'm certain the incident caused no shed tears on your end. And another thing why the fuck do you even bother to wait for me or have me over if you just intend to get annoyed make cracks and tell me to shut up. Who the fuck are you three to always but putting me down. Or telling me what to do? When to show up, how many episodes we're to watch? When I can't fucking leave?

I've leave whenever the fuck I want! Besides I was leaving to get homework done, remember the reprehend you sent me on that topic? Fucking pricks. I don't even care that I'm being harsh, so what? Why should I always consider your feelings or everyone else's? Its pretty plain no one thinks about what their saying to me or about me? No one considers how I might take your put downs. You don't have the right to treat me like that, you aren't any better than I am. So shut the fuck up. Pick apart your own flaws. Does it make you feel so big and special to tear and poke at someone else's wounds? Knock them down and kick them where you know it'll hurt? Or do you even bother to put any though into it? Maybe it's just how you feel or let me guess you didn't realize I felt that way? You didn't think I would be hurt? Play dumb?

I may not be as smart as you guys or get the high grades or money for school or mommy and daddy, yeah I don't have the same income and no this isn't a free ride for me and yeah I have to work at it. But I know enough to not buy your dumb, gee i'm sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way, well gosh amanda I had no idea you would be so hurt by our patronizing or putting you down? Well gosh darn boys, I never considered it that way? you're right I'm SORRY for speaking back, I'll just sit down and let you put me down to your hearts content. What's that shut up? oh, ok sorry masters. FUCK YOU.

I mean it really, I'm so sick and tired of feeling so put down only to have you guys, who claim to be my friends treat me like dirt. Telling me what I do and don't get, how slow I am, how I can't leave or was late, or did my homework instead of watch movies with you. I mean christ I haven't eaten all day, but no we can't take a few seconds for me to buy food. No "we" don't need any. Fuck you, what did i just say? I AM HUNGRY. I Haven't eaten all day, I want food. But of course that doesn't matter, what's someones health over your enjoyment. Seriously. How can you guys claim to care or be there with a straight face and then pull this shit? Yeah, I may be lashing out, but fuck it I'm tired of being hurt. Because that's what I am, hurt and put down by you guys even when we're all getting along. Always with these sideways jabs. Demands. commandements. I mean it. I have enough issues, problems and things to feel bad and down about. Trust me, I put myself down enough for the lot of us, you don't need to stick your fingers in every wound.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Who are you meme

Hey guys, just for fun. We should all post our screen res, web provider, location (general no specifics) and operating system.

Res: 1280 x 800
Web: Dal Res
Dal Residence or Halifax
Windows Vista (T.T)


Now your turns, oh and anonymous posters add your name! (Dos this means you)

Monday, October 15, 2007

Arg

Well I just bombed another midterm, the last one will be chemistry which is one of the hardest but I'll study full time and go to help. Maybe just maybe if I know it all well enough I won't blank out on the test.

Fuck though, I was pretty confident with physics I mean come on I have a sheet FULL of all the info I need, step by step, so why the fuck couldn't I get it? I'm thinking maybe I should have just come down this year, sat in on lectures, bought the books, read and did practice problems off someone else's assignment, then maybe next year I would have been able to take the class and pass without wasting the money.

I have English now, and it's not really enjoyable anymore either. I really liked my prof but just really put me off when I sent her an e-mail inquiring how I could pass in my essay after I went and paid the 4$ to have it printed and going to her office to leave it for her, but the she wasn't there and her office was closed for the week. :sigh:
And I have that big essay coming up which apparently we should already be researching, plus normal assignments and this huge Bio lab after class I still haven't found answers to.

And I haven't eaten, I tried but the food in the cafe was too gross that I just couldn't and I severely lack the funds to go out, not to mention the time. I know it's no big deal and worst case I fail the classes and do it all again next year, but who's to say I can manage it then? I actually knew the materials for the last two exams, I aced the practice questions and then just blanked. I can't take any fewer classes or no loan, which means no money and no schooling. I love sciences, I really really do, heck I like English too. I even like learning and studying, but I can't afford to keep this up if I won't be able to make it pay off latter.

Maybe I should put some serious thoughts into other options, I've just never considered them so I have no idea where to look or start. Maybe I can just do enough activist work and get tossed in to jail every other year to survive. At least that would be enjoyable to do.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

I really hate facebook sometimes, :sigh: what a great way to start the day.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

year after year

You really grow to hate the things which make you weak.
The little blockages your mind puts forth to keep you here, a biological advantage trait I'm sure, but one that frustrates.

You've seen the breaking points and worst felt them in every join, organ and cell.


The subtle irony of it all if the most frustrating thing of all, the weakness and this inert fear of pain, is what keeps you in pain. Year, after year, after year

Because lets face it, you'll never break it.
Never over come it
You'll be here until nature takes it from you in her own, sweet, long, time.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

At least I still have life's little amusements..

Why aren't I in bed? I feel sicky, my head hurts and there isn't much going on.
I'm just sitting awake watching Safer Sex Trade and feeling icky, wishing i had someone to talk to.

My head really hurts, and it keeps happening a lot plus a sore gross feeling in my stomach. But the drunks have left, so thats a plus.

I had hoped to get my life and school work together by staying alone this weekend, instead i just feel a little icky. In reality i'm just realizing how far behind I really am, how behind and lonely.

I really wish i were made of stone and these stupid things wouldn't affect me or bring me down, instead i'm feeling hurt. Debating leaving school, abandoning my dreams, and dreadedly planing out the rest of my days alone.

On the plus side the funniest thought keeps popping into my mind as I try to think of what employment I could earn without any education and keep coming up with street walker or stripper. Then I meet a little person I'd like to call my reflection

Friday, October 5, 2007

Veganism and it's good points

I have nothing else to say about this other then, be warned it's gross.
Mystery Meat Macrophotography
And not vegan.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Sitemeter

How odd someone recently visited this url to search the word "hate" and they are using Opera...
Anyone care to confess?

Friday, September 28, 2007


Alicia Silverstone’s Sexy Veggie PSA
Order a FREE vegetarian starter kit at GoVeg.com

Saturday, September 22, 2007

What a surprise

I'm alone and feeling stupid and sad again. I'm also facing the fact that whatever friendship/support there was with ben is obviously gone or maybe was always just some vain kind of hope.

I really don't get how people have so many connections and friends here. I certainly don't get how I once had that, or how it could have ever been so easy.. does anyone remember the secrete?
Those past days of always having someone to bail out, someone to help out, someone to lift up and someone there to do you the same.

Really, when your stomach feels this familiar kind of sick, who do you have to call?
And who would you lean on?

What friendly voice can I hope for on the other end of the telephone?
I really feel like crying, but what good would it do?

Monday, September 17, 2007

Watch her courage drip away, she won't post this on facebook.

You know I really hate it.
I've never been pretty, i know it and I'm fine with it. I'll probably never be pretty either, but It doesn't matter if I couldn't be pretty i settled for smart. The better trade off anyway.
So I worked hard and tried a lot, and made out with decent grades most of the time, I lacked the ease and grace of those around me. but I made enough outta myself to overcome my looks and numerous faults.

But i guess that all ends now. I'm getting my ass handed to me day in and day out by the reviews, the tings I'm supposed to already know in order to be here. I'm behind, confused and lost. I just cannot get a damn thing right, and it's leaving the bitter taste and impression that like I've always told myself, I'm not good enough. and i don't deserve to be here, so there it is my life's savings and work all amounting up into my failure at university.

I get it, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. I've lost it. The materials I used to glide through with ease are now impossible for me to grasp. My lifetime of savings and earnings barely dents my tuition and my debt grows by the second. I spent hours going over the same concepts, getting it doing the work and coming up with the wrong figures.

I feel stupid and pathetic getting John and Aaron to go over the same questions again and again, still getting less than my ideals. I was never pretty, but I was strong, tough, smart and capable.
Worst part is, and I see it now Ricky the lousy wretch that he turned out to be or maybe was, was a true blessing for me. And I was fucking lucky to get the scraps i got from him. One things for sure, he's the last. Nice of him to take me with my looks.

People don't date people like me, i was lucky for what little i got. Don't get me wrong, I by no means want him back and I can certainly see how defective he was too, his faults and imperfections. But real girls are thin, pretty, and nothing like me. I'm built wrong.

I don't miss him, but i can now appreciate how charitable he was for that short time, and thank him for his sacrifice.

Right now i just feel so horrible overwhelm and helpless. I'm cursing my inability and stupidity, and honestly just want to lay down against someone else and have the reassuring grip on something solid and real. Someones support and love that can be felt and brace myself against it, I want to lay down in someones embrace and be comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. Because as i walk these halls alone with my failures and lay here in the silence weeping, I can't help but start to see all my own very valid points. i am alone and a failure, and i probably won't ever succeed.

Heck, I can't even get this room cleaned, this laptop and pc running smoothly or a blog entry with proper syntax and not so many "ands".

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Another Night in the room with blank walls

Ever feel extremely overlooked?

Saying out loud really doesn't make it feel better.

I feel really stupid, weak and alone.
And I just want to crawl into bed and cry or into someones arms and just stay there.

I just have this overwhelming sense of inner cold. I feel utterly empty and just wretched.
It's as if my self worth, power, determination and everything that made me myself is gone.
And I am weak and scared.
Mostly afraid that for once I am afraid and afraid over what I may do to get something anything to make things seem better.

I feel a bad path approaching and some dumb choices.

When you need the worst kinds of comfort, where do you go to get it? And how badly will you be burned?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Helen Hill's America's most wanted Please watch!!!

Helen Hill's America's Most Wanted--this week
Hi Guys,
I've been informed that America's Most Wanted featuring the murder of Helen Hill will air this Saturday on Fox TV. I know it's not the greatest of shows, but if it helps to find who murdered her, then it doesn't really matter . Please tell folks to watch it, especially anyone you know in New Orleans.

Here's a link to a new article that was written in Canada:
http://www.helenhill.org/news/media/blogs/a/hdn_helen_article_25.8.07.pdf

<3

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

When?

When will I stop feeling so shitty? And will drugs get me there faster?

Seriously, I think each moment I'm begining to understand why people drink. I'm feeling bad, I am what's causing this "feeling" thing, so if I where to face my fears about losing control/liver/addictions/becoming one of "those people" and drank myself stupid. I would be without control, and without control I cannot feel bad because I won't be thinking about this whole mess, why? Because I won't have control.

I swear if country music starts making any more sense (the lyrics, I haven't listened to any of it, don't shoot me yet) kill me.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Some things just don't change

Nothing like a happy couple to make you feel like shiitake. Even better when their love chatting it up with their goodbye, come back for another housr, good night, return again. Loving bull shit.
Wow does this post sound bitter? Yup. I probobly don't really mind, it's just the hour and the realization that it has been over a year since i've had sex.. or play of any major kind. How depressing, I know I laugh and say i'll be alone forever but I was hoping that would be interupted so when I die with 50 cats people can say remeber the time she was with him/her.

And now there is someone from the net taking nude photos for me, yup I am officially a loser. More so than before. I can't web flirt, what am I doing... god I just feel like sleeping until 10 years from now.
I'm just down about alot of things I don't want to post here at the moment, well because their soo stupid I cannot even bring myself to type them. I haven't started my homework, I had the big game plan to over achieve the shit outta stuff to make up for my lack of friends and what do I do? Waste my time writing to no one. Heck there aren't even new PPK posts or much going on there.

I'm finally here in the city of my dreams, my city and I still feel like quiting.

Now to lighten the mood and because I actually think this list is funny

REPOSTED

Reasons Why I will Never have Sex Again.

Edit Entry Edit Tags Add to Memories Tell a Friend Track This
21. Age
I'm at the age where males my age want younger woman and men older than myself are looking for long term mates, which they cannot see in a younger female of my age.
20. Halifax.
Is in the Maritimes, and no one comes to the Maritimes.. for anything.
19. Talking.
I would probably have to meet and talk to someone first, that is generally how this sex thing works right?
18. I have a roommate.
And therefore lack an area to perform sex in
17. General Lack of Physical Appeal
I am wide. Widely built, I have broad shoulders and am short. My bones are thick, hips are wide etc. Even my face looks too wide.
16. I am Short
Guys don't like/date or fuck short girls.
15. I am Weird.
It is really a miracle people even talk to me let alone desire to mate with me.
14. Small boobs
Ok, I know the bras say 38Cs, but well they are wrong. I have seen C's and these are not them.
13. Fat
I've got it and I'm to lazy to get ride of it, assuming it's possible.
12. Picky
I can be picky, and like to know people before I do anything...
11.Feminism/ I'm a Feminist
Most Guys don't like that, But I'm not going to forking change it.
10. I'm Stubborn
Everyone hates stubborness..
9. My inability to flirt.
I can't do it, and I have no idea how to go about such an endeavor if I where to ever find someone local to engage in it with. Or maybe I just don't think I can flirt ...
8. I'm too poor to but it/pay for it7. Veganism.
At least 70% of people are too busy trying to think up "People Eating Tasty Animals" jokes to ever consider sexing me.
6. The internet.
I spent way too much time on it, and reality/sex doesn't happen here.
5. They don't offer classes on flirting/sex/dating
Well not how to classes anyway, so I'd never get very far.
4. I think people will laugh at me.
Seriously.
3. I don't get crushes or feelings that would lead me to actively persue another being/Or they (Ok, the) doesn't work out.
Apparently, What I have now is known as one of those for mentioned crush things (not that I would know, I had it diagnosited by a friend). However, it sucks because I feel funny all the time and it wont work out due to distance, geography, age and it's one sided nature.
2. Inability To recognize Advances or Interests even if they should present themselves.

Those who know me, know how dense I am when it involves romance/flirting/advances and general interpersonal things that could lead to sex.
1. I am fairly sure I've forgotten how.

Why am I still awake?


Why is it I'm always feeling so down, so stupid and so alone.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I have no one else's problems to submerge myself in so I'm smack dab in the middle of my own.
I don't know how to deal with problems relating to my own, so I'm picking scabs and tearing skin.
No wonder I look so bad.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

How do I know If I am clinically depressed?

Monday, September 3, 2007

Dorm



Yup.....
My half and the mountain of shit to unpack.






My roommates half, last night she said we couldn't be more opposite.. and I think this sums that up.i will find my camera and take better photos of the whole place, but you try using a laptop as a camera.. and not getting in the shot. Yeah, it's tough.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mother Fucker

It's 4 Am in the damn morning, and I haven't gone to sleep.
Nor have I gotten anything done, or been productive in ANY stretch of the word.
I haven't even posted anything of great significance or had much web based social (except a convo with BT which is always awesome).

I haven't packed, or sewn or mailed.
I haven;t even checked my mail.
I leave in two days, I don't even know if I got into chemistry yet.
I cannot sleep because I have too much to do, a new life to get control of, things I need to be on top of.
The school hasn't even begun and I'm already behind, is this maybe a sign I should just drop out now?

I mean seriously I cannot even commit to a TV show or Anime Series... I bought fucking death note and am on episode 3, Ego Proxy hasn't been started and I've fallen way behind in Nana.. not to mentioned the billions of others. I haven't FINISHED a book since school ended.

I don't even have all my stuff back from friends.
Nothing is packed.
Nothing.
What the fuck am I going to do?

Sit here and worry, maybe cry it seems.
Not much else seems to be within my grasp, get away from here out on my own somehow it just doesn't seem like that can last.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Traped indeed

Cubical hell.
It sucks, never ever work in a cubical, ever.
Grant it we have the most open cubicals ever, the only reason for this is so the new Rent-A-Cop can walk about groping his keys and crotch. Struting and making sure were not on the internet. Fork you. My sup, boss and just about everone else doesn't care. In fact the only reason they mention it is because you file complaints, crasshole.

Now the lights are flickering... joy.
It's 10 am now, been here since 6:38am.. off at 3. Can't take much more... need sleep.
Was at Geoff's until 12, insomina when I got home.. so tired.
Have coffee now, things look better.
Ate a cart of strawberries I brought, to tried to pack lunch and Denise's drunk friend ate my left overs.... Mustards.

I'm finding it hard to share my time between here and LJ, I know this one is suposed to be more personal, but frankly no one reads this (almost no one, hi kcam). And LJ/friends want to know what's going on. I'm to lazy to cross post, and I find it redundant. So I'm just going to stick with the whole, i have other blogs, you want links, I'll give you links route.

Sorry for any neglect on either part.

Call centers suck. It's sunday, no one calls... and those that do shouldn't.
I guess it's like any day, god I hate the white noise, and background noise of this place... day like today remind me why I was so excited once steve started days. Contact, social contact and people to talk to.. I miss that alot.

LJ has a bunch of shit on my friend issues at the moment, so I save Kcam from reading it twice. I just feel all around shity, and don't know how to fix things.

Still...

Over a year latter and I'm still wondering how all these peices ever fit together into a happier version of myself.

Monday, August 13, 2007

The clock ticks on and the mind wanders

I'm still at work.. stuck here for a full hour after I should be.
Lack of rides etc, but I'm ok with it. Because here I have internet, and that helps keep me sane, or at least with mild human contact.
I don't want to go back to that shack.
I feel odd, as if I'm stuck in limbo.
I cannot wait to have my pc back, and I really wish I could afford to get a decent camera now, because I've rediscovered my love for photography but find myself perpetually disappointed with my P.O.S.

I think I'm in a funk, or maybe just a time of turmoil?
I guess I still haven't fully recovered from last year, it's like the return of the funk or something. It's hard to move past losing so many close friends and it just draws on.

Really though the gathering helped a lot, but it's hard when that's over and the uplift is gone. I start to wonder if it was all a dream, or simply luck.. or a one time event. Most of all I fear my repetative pattern begin to take hold, and I would hate to lose the new friends I have. I fear that having made them real with speed up the inevitable, them leaving me. And mostly I'm just realizing how truly fucked up my mental state is, and how I still have all those self esteem issues I try to hide.

I'm scared, pathetic and alone. The first one is new, well maybe I've always been scared just never realized, admitted or showed it. But I don't like it.

I feel weak, when I should be strong.
Empowered and helpless, I'm inspired to do so much and afraid to try.
I've never been afraid of trying before, and rejection (or hypothetical rejection) has never held me back.. I'm afraid that it's starting to and slowly I'll become someone I'm not and someone I don't want to be.

I feel really alone, and I don't like it.. it just keeps getting harder to deny the fact. Harder to hold onto/forget the past, I move on with new people, new friends, groups make the same close connections (or almost as close) and it seems fake, too good to be true. Most of all too good for me.

Funny how little words your parent spoke so many years ago still hold true and consume the little girl as she becomes a woman.

That girl you don't see her round no more

I'm running on no sleep, no coffee, no water and no food.
i am under hydrated, undercaffinate, underslept.
I think my insomnia is coming back, yesterday was one of the best days since returning from the magic that was the gathering, I remeber I was actually happy when the lights went off and my head hit the pillow, but it is allways during those crucial times when the mind wanders before sleep that we are most vulnerable.

After these 19 years of being strong, maybe even hard, needing no one or anything and getting buy. 19 years of strength, I felt every last inch of it dwindle and die last night. I thought of all the good times last week, and the good times of my past, my friends who meant more than the world, more than family and blood. I remebered where they all are now, who do I tell my secrets too? The people I confided in, talked to, god we talked about everything, their all gone. And then the emptiness set in. How these last few weeks with family are taking an extra years worth of toll, divorce, fighting, immaturity, yelling. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually growing apart from them as well, funny I didn't realize there was anything to grow apart from with them. I can't talk to them, or lean on them.

And I felt really alone. Dispite the people I just left, for some reason we never reached the point where we can talk about anything, or rather where I can talk about anything. Seems to be the one thing about me, anyone can tell me anything.. I like that. What I don't like, is how I no longer have that support group that I can have the same feeling of support, guidance maybe. I suppose there's the PPK, and I love them all, truely. It's just... I don't think I've ever been able to truely feel the miles between people, as I can with them.

Grade 9-10 the old group, the table, those are times I truely and sorely miss. But even if I seek out the memebers of my past, I know what was there is dead, and I lack the medical and social knowledge to bring it back. I thinkt hat maybe i'm not good enough, to have them, or anyone. Friends in general. And it's back to childhood and inadequencies, something I guess I never really got over.

But i'm degressing, this is supposed to be a retelling of everything I felt and thought last night, in those hours of sleeplessness, when I willed myself to remeber, to stay in bed away from the paper, remeber and write tomorow, sleep now. But sleep never really came.

I felt cold, and alone. In this new house's lack of warm, maybe I hope the memories would stay within the wooden cofines of the house in which they happened, the first kisses, the sleep overs, confessions, love, video games and friendship. But they didn't. I can't remeber when I started crying, but it happened, strength and will melted into sorrow and weakness. Alone in my new world, with the prospects of leaving forever (finally) exciting adulthood and return to my home town, the city I love. The new life i've wanted ever since I arrived here just weeks away, and this place got to me again. Againts the cold walls of my new bed room my sides shook with tears and sobs, feeling alone as I ever had in this place. Wiping the water from my cheeks, thinking about how pathetic is was to be here, to lose out now when i'm so close. To actually maybe even fear my new life? That maybe it's not the awnser, maybe things won't get better, maybe it's just me.

I wonder if selfesteme is something i'll ever truely master, last week was a great boost in moral, mood, life and self worth. But then the reality of all i've lost, and thoughts of when that too will be lost came crashing in. Pathetic.
Worst still are thoughts of intimacy, gosh, how long has it been? Sure there are needs, wants, desires, lust even. But the thought of those needs ever being met again seems slim, perhaps the hormones or lust itself drove these crazy thoughts. I honestly sat and wondered, willed myself to remeber, how was it done, what happened? Sure the basic biology is a given, the feelings or sensations are vividly recalls, but I can't picture it. Or really even ever picture how it would be done again. Can you forget how to do it? Can you ever re-learn, or are you doomed to celibacy. A scary thought. Thinking back to it all I couldn't remeber anything positive, just his hands on me, violation and the memories of what happend with that chapter. I tried to stop it all, not to think to remeber to envision, but it all came back. And I couldn't get his hands off me, his touch lingered, his lies everything felt as if it were infecting me, making me ill, tainted. I felt gross, worst of all I felt weak. The mere memories or vague flashes, and all i could envision was myself with him and feel disgust and sorrow.

I cryed harder, and wondered where all my years of strength had gone. Where she was, or anyone, all the people I had once confided the world in. The people who kept me going, and the bonds we were so sure would last forever. I sobed until it was morning, lay down my head and thought of all the great friendships and people and what had become of us all.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Siting amongs the empty bottles

On this cold hard floor, it's hard not to feel neglected and cast aside.
It seems as if I'm not really wanted here, and merely tolerated as a maid.
I can just feel all this shit building up inside, the loneliness maybe? And I just want to sit here and cry.

I hate always feeling this way, feeling so helpless and deserted everywhere. Heck, I feel most wanted at work these days, and thats including all the long silent periods where no one will talk to me for hours or minutes on end. But Steve is leaving soon, and he's by far the best for the inclusion factor.. Alex seems like he'd be cool, and that girl likes me more. Apparently I was to be her replacement for Steve! And she's a veggie! :3 I'm gonna miss these kids. I wanna start on nights, for more time with Steve before he leaves, and to get to know Alex better, I think the girl works night too.

Alex said I should start working nights which was nice, but somehow even all this positive work attention just seems to be shining light on how all my "real" friends or long term outside of work friends are falling sort, or falling apart.

I know soon enough we'll all be elsewhere and drift apart anyway, I can accept that I guess, I know it's bound to happen.. but I guess I was kinda hoping that miles and distance would be the end of all I love.

I was hoping in the end we'd be missing each other, and I'd have something to blame the emptiness on other than myself.

Little things..

Do you ever find someone is looking at you constantly?
Or get the feeling they are, so you check and your eyes meet?
I swear, he's staring at me or constantly looking in my direction.. I assume it's paranoia but when I check, it only confirms it.
Seriously, wtf is going on... do I have something on my face?
I hate continously cathing his glance, I assume somethings up.
Honestly, steve what is it? My hair messed up or what?

Is it just me, or does this happen to other people.. or maybe he thinks I'm looking at him.. that would make sence, except that he was looking frist... so maybe not.

Why does this allways happen to me? maybe I pay too much attention to shit, or I look funny... maybe I've had to much coffee.
Christ! He's doing it again... maybe he knows how bugged I get.
Curse you steven :P.

Ok, I've wasted enough of your time kcam.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It only gets harder..

I really can't stand how awful this last month (and a bit) is being. I really don't feel like getting in the morning, I have an awful drive into work with Denise, it seems she's either talking about how exciting next year will be or overly mushy/sad about me leaving, or she's yelling at me and being mean/angry. Most often it's the old one,two, two, one, two, two. Fun times.

I know she's stressed and I know the divorce is fucking with everyones head, she's moving into that shack near the middle of august. THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST and she wants everything packed. I go to Oregon next week, I need my shit to pack, I also need to get my PC set up again, which requires work, time and yes, MY STUFF! She gets emotional about me leaving, hugs me and says how much she'll miss me and she wants me to have my stuff packed now. I DON"T LEAVE UNTIL SEPT 2nd! The stuff I'm taking to Dal is my most essential I use these everyday, items.

Not to mention how damn small this shack is, but w/e I'm not really living there and I'll leave my stuff with Dad. I have a feeling she'd try to through it out. If she was mad about my room being messy, because it really is. I know that, it's just I work all day and when I get home I want to try and catch up on stuff or just sleep. I don't even eat meals anymore, my eyes are baggy and I am always tired.

I just feel so fucking worn out, and alone really. I don't see or hear from anyway, and I always feel like a bother if I try to contact them. Or I do see them, and I don't feel like I'm wanted or welcome or It just feels odd.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing about anymore, I just really want to get my PC up and running, then work out something with Denise I guess. start eating and such.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I haven't posted in a while

What can I say, I'm slack, fustrated and nothing works at my house.
I'm really finding these last few months at home to be getting worst.
I mean my dad, was actually mad and calling denise names in the car, talking about dancing on her grave and stuff. I know it's only because he's mad etc, but he won't tell me why, denise does the same.
Hey, let's talk about how awful the other is to my kid, but oh she wants to know why. "it's ok sweeties it doesn't matter, you don't need to hear it." THEN SHUT YOU FACE! Don't go on about the other being a bitch/bastard bad person w/e and not tell me why your mad, fuck right off.

I went to see my fucking grandmother, and she asked me to ask my mother to be nicer to my father.

Stop being so immature guys, your SENIORS! Act like it!


***********************************************
I'm going to move away from that topic because it's boring and annoying.
I also have to work until 9, which means once again no ride home. I hate allways being told i'll be picked up and calling to find out, nope sorry I went out/sailing/don't feel like it.

Steve isn't in today, John and Allan went home early AND Laura and justin are off.. so i am bored and all alone. Sam is in, but I really don't think she likes me anymore and liz keeps to herself. I'm even sitting in this row alone!?!?! -_-
800+ people and these 30 seats around me are 100% empty, there isn't even someone way down on the end.

Gah i'm getting tense now, back to the ppk

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Because family is forever

Fuck, I am so pissed off at Denise.
I mean I work hard, offer to help her with her bills, pick up after her and zane, clean the house.
Today I put up a poster for her at my work, regarding her car she wants to sell.
But she can't bother to come in to pick up her daughter at 8pm, because she'd rather have her beer. Surprise surprise my mother chooses alchohol over me.
Can't think of anyone else who'd make another choice.
I mean, it's not even asking that much a ride home, heck i'd drive if she wanted.
So now I have to take 20 odd dollars out of my savings account to pay for my ride home.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The interwebs, she broke

my web is down so posting will be halted (more or less).
I am cut off from the world (T.T)
Also apprently according to the guy my mom gave my pc too, my motherboard is fryed.
>.> Which is wasn't when he had it originally -_-
:anger:
Anyways so I am internet dead.
People should send me mail (idea stolen from oonormanoo <3)
B.A.D.
35 station rd
rothesay nb
e2e 5w3

Friday, June 1, 2007

Yearbook wisdom

In my odd 19 years on this planet I have yet to gain any insight or awesome knowledge or wisdom to share except this, I am getting old. That is all I've learned, thus far.

That and you should always keep your friends close, because they are more important than any weight of gold. And you should fuck you enemies, because if you fuck you friends then everything goes to shit.

Love you always and have a great summer.
-B.A.D.
xoxoxox

Thursday, May 24, 2007

more issues

I have a pressing issue, i need to talk about and solve.
But I don't have anyone to talk to it about, which in itself is a piss off.
I posted about it, but not here.
It's related to a bothersome topic for me.
Fuck, I really wish I could think of someone who would be good for this, imparsial and not judgemental.

Sadly enough the only person coming to mind is Prepboy, less than reliable.. and lude.
Also part of it involves him and me never living something down.. so maybe not.

further fustrations and let downs

ARG! I just check all my marks and not a single one in the 90's.
FORK!
That really pissed me off, I've lost ever high mark I had.
And this optional psyche project may end up hurting me more than helping... so i'm torn about whether or not to bother trying to do it.
:le sigh:

I accidentally posted this to my happy blog oops.
Post time was really: 2:50

You know the days aren't getting brighter when you no longer feel like dancing

WARNING: Huge speal on my day and how i've been feeling lately. It's all inner thoughts and shit, so it's not only boring but probobly whiny. It's almost a rant, be forwarned.

Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3

different times, I even managed not to cry those times and

aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall

before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall

is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought

about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts

escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance

to write.

Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane

tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was

pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in

french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19

years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without

anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay

in public etc.

School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.

Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was

bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a

bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution

is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.

I mean, take french class, I've been in french since

kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in

the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in

the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.

The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to

complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally

going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,

erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the

dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.

So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and

dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get

it, stop reminding me.

But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've

annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not

to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends

each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my

life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time

until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my

life and everything to help, to make things better for her..

but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That

she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still

lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.

I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about

Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply

because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was

a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone

else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a

degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the

change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and

hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm

sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell

myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much

less painfull.

Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact

I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and

Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.

I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.

Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and

dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when

I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I

feel like not are they just friends with them, but their

slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really

the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I

keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with

each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could

have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.

:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a

way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and

Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it

right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.

I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking

about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there

would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's

really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just

a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I

really don't wanna see you again.

I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with

having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e

and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the

friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more

about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that

way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I

never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes

I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.

But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a

friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,

probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for

someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life

with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was

wrong about it all anyway.

But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of

how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each

other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..

I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure

of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,

who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,

tired of it all and feel like giving up.

There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A

boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was

shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it

was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not

normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how

easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and

suddenly.
Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no

sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.

Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I

wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or

akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling

bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok

to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,

until my thoughts drifted to something else.

Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I

allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,

the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back

twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went

for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking

lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which

is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.

I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the

sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me

now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all

was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday

thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people

mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but

still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's

not their fault.

Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.

After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally

fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've

been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly

stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've

been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been

getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even

just sit with in a room.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sick fuckers

Chrstian domestic discipline, notice how they replaced the violence with discipline?
Wife beating site is in pink
Links are blue
I'm in lime

Bible wife beaters R us

Talking to the husband
" d o I have to spank her to tears?

Yes, by spanking her to tears you are allowing her to fully submit and be humbled for her actions."

o.o
I know I've said it once, but I shall say it again some Christians are forked up. Seriously.

" What instrument should I use?

The best by far is always the hand, it is safer then other things, and besides you always have it with you."

>.>

Maintance discipline, now she doesn't even get a chance to misbehave!
Let's beat her everyday

Postioning and what to do if she doesn't comply


"The comparatively smooth transitioning from lecture to punishment positioning eliminates the need to move the wife to the side before bending them over. A towel on the husband's thigh can both alleviate hygienic concerns as well as minimize the effect of unforeseen stress incontinence."

So i guess the hygenic concern is that she doesn't bleed on you?

""Providing a pillow will allow the wife to further support her torso, or to bury her head and muffle her crying""
Can you have people charged over the web?

the spanking withers any rebellion, the woman's legs will naturally relax as her resistance fades and she accepts her fate."

Like forking hell it would fade.



http:// the woman's blog
This women is mildy insane.
no really she is

Look at her favorite quotes.

If I ever see this guy, i;m going to knock out his teeth. Fuck this is sick.

Oh, look the store sells crotchless pantallons and bruise balm, how ironic.


Note this site is not about concensual spanking or any form of kink/sex play. If is were consensual and about getting off/loving play I'd be all for it. But it's about control and being The H.O.H.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sickness burried deep within my gut

and nothing seems to let it seep out.
Sometimes I just seem to wonder if it can simply be fucked out?
Escape all the self hate, loneliness and worthlessness in extacy?
Why is it that people only seem to want you when they have no one else?
Is it really to much to ask to be there for someone and have the same?

I can't help but feel unwanted these days.
Living with the family continues to get worst, Zane bitching all the time, Denise talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. My parents only speak to me to half assidly ask how my week went and not listen to whatever the fuck I say, instead they bitch about my student loan or how i need to apply for more scolarships ( yeah i do, but i also need to do my homework so I PASS school). They only bitch about each other or money, but mostly both. But isn't that what makes the world go round? Not loving. Blood. Friends. Caring. But money. Cold hard cash is where it's at.

I can't even seem to entertain myself anymore, I just feel bored, bitter and resentfull. Watch the names pop on the screen, remeber all the faces who no longer talk to me. Sometimes wonder why I don't just talk to them, big mistake. Normaly a quick rejection or suddent death of conversation. Glue called and we discussed next weeks plans, which I'm looking forward too. Maybe we'll actually get past the part where everything just feels akward. Master called to, wanted me to go over ... he allways seems to be an issue. Part of me wants to go, naively sit and be friends like before, stupid girl. I know better, and I know that's not what it's going to be. Part of me wants it, a simple good time, no strings right? Not the case, of course I create my own strings of guilt and self contempt. I feel vile, cheap and used probobly because I am.

I'm no help to myself, lonely and hating anyone who bothers to talk to me for the wrong reasons.
Hormones maybe? Fuck it, maybe I should take a cheap roll in the sack it works for all of them doesn't it? But I know that will create twice as many problems, after all sex is allways an issue with you isn't it. I wish I knew why, and how to fix it.. but i never figured that much out. And then there's The Pumpkin King, I don't know what's going on there but I know sexing someone will not help that in anyway. I feel sick, I haven't beeen eating. Why is it that even if I try it all still comes back to get me? These fucking issues never leave.

At any moment the problems could come back, markings, bingeing all of that shit. Nothing ever goes away. As I was discussing with Apple, What the fuck happened to all us? And why did we all get so fucked up from one little event? I know people say their world got turned upside down, but it really happened. Nothing stayed the same, things that should never change did. And it still effect us even today, but why? The worst part is, it's not actually him or I that matters here. I don't miss Rotten, relationships or love, it's everyone else. Is that wrong? I did love him, more than I'd thought possible, but now it all means nothing to me. Should it? I miss his mom more than anything in the world (besides maybe karen), that's not the way it's suposed to be.

All these fuckign questions, remaining unawnsered since that day.. heck questions from that kiss on my 16th are still unawnsered. What the fuck is going on here?

Friday, May 18, 2007

Sometimes you just can't help it

Things that make me uncomfortable:

10:Shoping for clothing when there is a "helpful" sales person. Asking how your doing in the changing room, if you need a bigger/smaller size and tell you what they think of the clothing. I just don't like and they make me feel akward.
9:Reading in class. Odd. Because I can read out loud, I don't perticularly care what people think about my reading but i sometimes choke and mess up stupid words and look dumb. Which is fine, because everyone else who reads does it too.. but i guess it just add fuel fire to the mean side that allready has enough amo. My throat/muscles tense and I can feel my body worrying about it as I read. Stupid but true.
8:Wearing skirts/dresses. I can't sit or move properly in them, i don't like my legs and keep waiting for someone to make fun of them. oh, and you know I probobly flash 20 people a day in one of them.
7:When I run out of things to say. Seriously it happens and I can't do anything but think "WTF?! how did YOU! run out of something to say? You run your damn mouth a million miles a minute for years. Idiot." Especially when this happens with new people, or people I haven't seen in a while. It's like omg! i haven't seen you forever!! :never ending slience:
6:Making phone calls. I'm not sure why, i choke up shake and feel horrible uncomfortable, but i love when people call me. Weird eh? I guess I assume that they don't really wanna talk to me or w/e and I'm bothering them or making them upset. stupid, but true.
5:Randomly droping by someone's house, or not having a final i'm on my way now, ok see you there. I can't do it, I will chicken out and risk not being able to see them if I can't confirm again that it's ok and they want me over/to come get them. But I love when people do it to me. Its again because I assume something came up, they aren't home, changed their mind, don't want to see me, didn't ask their parents, will regect me, slam the door, forgot about a project or a billion other reasons.
4:Guy's Mothers. Mother's of any male when encountering a new female aquatence of her son will pick her apart and size her up in everyway. She will also assume something "romantic" in nature is going on, or soon will be. If this is not the case, she will still keep the idea in mind. To a mother, every female is a posible Daughter in Law, so she is judged and either approved or disaproved of. So far, It seems I gain the approval, which makes alot of things easier and brings up further issues. I.E. the part where something romantic is happening or will be soon, and if they approve of said girl, something has to happen so they get her as the daughter inlaw. Mother's judge, meddle, assume and never forget. And you can tell when their doing 98% of these things. Its awful and I really dislike it, dispite the love I have for many a friends awesome mothers.. they still due this and it has lead to feeling akward.
3: Mirrors, I hate them. This probobly comes from the bad self image, but I can never tell when I'll look and see something normal or something disgusting. The later one is the usual out come and leads to lots of not goodness. But I guess it may just be left over emotions from the disorder.
2:Sex. No seriously. Most sexual things lead me to be extremely uncomfortable, for all the perv, jokes and braging or w/e.. I'm terribly affraid of contact and being made fun of. Seriously, I'm like hiding under the sheets, lights off, crying don't laugh at me uncomfortable horribleness. Oddly, this sometimes goes away.. but it's still pretty much there.
1:Trusting people. This may relate to a few of the previous ones.. but I can't help it but part of me allways assumes everyone hates me and is trying to find a way to hurt me. Obviously, I know this isn't true but it makes it alot harder when little things seem to illustrate this voice's point.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Personal perspective

Human being's self concept has allways been something that I found terribly intresting.

I can vividly remeber times in elementary school, thinking about the high school students or higher grades. Admiring how big and old they were. As for the younger grades this same amazingment at their youth and smallness.

And as with all humans it has never once crossed my mind how small, young, big nor old I myself am or was. It was never, wow i'm soo young, or i'm so old. Simply a remark as to how younger/smaller or older/bigger someone else was.

As if our selves are never old nor small.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Tension builds

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Media studies essay!!!
Working, at work.... pysche exam.Stress.ARG!

Ok, now seriously... This essay is only 2 pages and should be fairly easy.. But it's not.
WTF is wrong with me? I'm suposed to use reader responce theory to review the film Children of Men. Easy right? No, not easy. Because I am an idiot!!

GAH! Why can't I think... ok, not suposed to talk about liking or disliking the film.. but respond to it..........................................................................................................................................................................................

yeah... see those dots? Thats my brain waves, I am comatos. Braid Dead. A vegetable if you will.
Why can't I think of what I'm suposed to write for this thing?!?!?!?!
Fuck. Fuck.Fuck.
And my coworker John just asked me what I was doing.. and then pointed out the obvious
"So you doing pointless work instead of something that will benifit you in societe."
Why yes.. yes I am. Because writing about how I am an idiot and unable to think about my assignment is possible.. were as me finding a way to do it, is not.

GAH.
T.T


Why do I not feel better after writing this?
Oh yeah. Because I still can't write the essay!
WGSJHIRHRJKEWNJKLFdhiudfduihnkf!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Drunk driving project

Note: I'm using this post to keep info on my drunk driving project, so these are NON-Factual stories i'm creating for a project.
And Lauren, feel free to take any completed stories and beging Translating them. <3

Ben's story:
Friday night may 24th, 11:45PM

You were hanging out and partying with a few good friends, drinking and having a good time. You have work in a few hours and keep reminding yourself and your drive you have to go soon. But he's passed out, and in no condition to drive, your dad allready told you he couldn't come pick you up. Your friend offers you both a place to sleep, but your drive insists you leave, his parents need him home. Besides, you say "I have to work in the morning".
But to reasure you, you offer to drive, after all he's far worst off than you are. So you sya your goodbyes, and load you friend into the car.

It's dark out but the roads are pretty vacant so you feel alittle relieved, you wave as you pull out of the driveway and onto the road. Your friend is saying something about how he needs the car home in the passangers side, but you assure him you'll get it back to his place just fine. You decided to drive him home first, that way you can explain the situation to his parents and they may give you a ride back to your place. You head feels a little groggy but your almost there. If I speed up, I'll be able to get home in bed sooner you think as your foot presses down on the gas.

The car glides along the dark vacant roads, your hoping that there are no cop cars waiting behind the next bend. You friend tells you to turn on the radio, and you reach down for the knob and the music fills the car. All of a sudden you look up and see two bright head lights headed straight for you, you quickly pull the wheel to the side or at least you thought you pulled it quickly. The car jerks off the road, and careanses over the side walk.
Your body slams into the steering wheel, as the small car wraps itself around the tree. The sound of metal grinding fills your ears as you rib cage is crushed when the dashboard smashes towards you. You barely have time to process whats going on as the foggy image of bark imprints itself onto your retina. The shattered ribs punctured your heart and longs, filling them with blood and you drown. Your friends head smashed into the glass and metal frames, he lived long enough to burn alive as the engine ignited.

You were pronounced dead among the arrival of the paramedic team, your friend made it until 12:15, 4 mintues after they pulled his body out of the burning wreck.

************************************************************************************
Robyn's story(?)
Wendesay June 20th, 12AM

The last party of the year, you and your girlfriends are having the time of your life. Senoir year, and its all finaly over, your dates allready gone home, but your friends keep telling you that the cute guy in back likes you. They send you his way with two drinks in your hand, you take a sip and offer him the other plastic cup. Soon enough, your both feeling pretty tipsy and he confesses that he's going to the same university as you, because he found out you were going there. You look at him for a moment, surprised. It turns out he's had a thing for you since grade 9.

Your friends giggle at the news, and size him up from across the room. Over all approval, form them all. You all decide to take one last time on the dance floor, a few more drinks and your off.
Walking across the cold parking lot, you all laugh and pull your throws(shalls? wraps?) tight. You laugh as you watch one of your friends try to walk a straight line, shes wabbling left and right, someone makes a joke about how its a good thing she's not driving.

You all pile into the car with your poofy skirts, and someone puts a Pink CD into the drive. You chuckle as the back seat sings at the top of their lungs off key and you pull out of the parking lot.
You driving up the road, music blaring, laughing and your friends are congradulating you on your new love intrest as you aproach the intersection you look back to tell them to knock it off, but they know your kidding. You make your turn, your friends scream as your airbags.

You car turns directly into the drivers side of the station wagon, who had the right of way. You slowly look around, is everyone allright? As you pull away the air bag, your friend in the pasager side bleedly profusely from her nose. Broken in three spots, you'd later learn. Whip lash and shaken, you all exit the vehicle to survery the damage. You don't even know what you could have hit, you heart sinks as you exit the car.

The driver of the station wagon's head is hanging out the broken window. She's bleeding from her head, your friends are outside now, crying as one of them fumbles for her phone. 9-1-1, she dials, you too afraid to approach. Your friend slowly walks towards the car, oh no.. you hear her wisper as her knees give out. You don't want to look, but you hear the sound of your heels hitting the pavement. In the back seat, thats now bent inward you can make out what seems to be a child's booster admist the twisted metal. You can feel the hot tears on your cheeks as you reach out your hand to whats left of the car, you notice the blood driping from the boosters plastic frame.

The sirens fill the air and paramedics push you out of the way as they attempt to pry the doors open. An officer approaches you and asks if you were driving, you can't speak but you just nod and he asks you to come with him. He loads you up, into the back of his car and takes you away.

Your parents come to collect you from the cold cell about an hour later. They tell you how happy they are that your alive.

Later on, in court they inform you that the woman died that night while you were in bed, her baby was dead upon impact. You were given a fine, and community service was recomended.
The husband wore a black suit and a gray tie, he sat upfront for the hearing.

***********************************************************************************

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I must be crazy it never ends

Well Satan is talking to me again.
Starting today, the two month silence treatment ends for no apprent reason, in fact he was pretty damn nice and 100% back to his old self. I know I predicted and expected such a turn of events, but it still throws me every time.. I just don't get it.

In fact he actualy came here today, and you know came to speak to me etc, said bye as he was leaving and everything. Course he came to ask me to lie to his mom, told him I couldn't lie and to ask zane so he did, but as he was leaving he said bye.

Little things like that really get to you when you haven't heard them in awhile.
There is a concert at sessions tomorow which should be good, and Prepboy and Satan are coming to studying soo I guess it is just like old times.
For better or worst, I haven't a clue.

They also showed up again, later on to ask jason to come with them, he told them to get lost (^-^).

******************************************
In other news I have SOOO much to do, sewing the prom dress, making curtains, billions of little projects, books to read, recipe testing (which I have slacked on to no end) and AP exams/school work. God the school work and school reading... let alone all the books I want to get/read.
Jesus.

I can't understand that dispite all the shit I have to do, I constantly find myself doing nothing.. or wasting time.. and still somehow worn out and tired, I don't get it!
I go to bed earlier than ever, sleep in a little bit later and take lots of breaks, heck I've even started actually eating a bit better (getting some recipie testing done after all :)), drinking lots of water, heck I just ate some plain fucking almonds for a snack. And had my first glass of pop in a while.

School work: I need to read psyche and that book for english
Do my media studies essay
Study for my exams
And do my french final project
Oh and teach a class of cul tech at some point too... hmm.

Another oddity: Every so often at school it hits me that this is the last or one of the last times this will ever happen. The yearbook room, psyche class, harrasment by Ross or Perkins... everything is ending. I was allways aware and couldn't wait, still can't.. but I keep getting that ever so slight sadness and longing.. all the art classes i never took, theater arts and Todds other classes, Peircy, all my old high school friends I rarely see, my highschool grad friends I'm still with and don't see.. and I just fell as if i'm full of longing for more time, for past time, for a diffrent course.

I will miss everyone so much my heart aches, and then I realize I'm missing them know, and most of them are gone allready.. how far apart we've grown, or how close we were never able to be. OR even how close they all are to each other.

It's kinda funny.. 12 years later and I'm still the same outside I was back then.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Its both kinda scary and sad

But sometimes I just really miss those younger days.
In middle school, eating disorder in full swing.
Because honestly, those days chocolate did make your day.
Eating, was a huge acomplishment
and over eating was the best high.

Both best and worst of all,
was that every mishap,
mistake, cruel look or word,
action or when people left you..
They all had once simple awnser:
Because you're fat.

My celluloid was to blame for all my woes.
The cruel words were directed at my appearance and I felt small
worthless and alone because of my flab.

But I grew older.
And now the better part of me knows (or pretends to)
That my weight, while ugly and not ideal,
is not the end of the world.
My fat isn't ruining my life.
And people don't hate it.
My weight holds no (excuss the term) weigh over my life.

The down part is
when you sit and feel alone
Cry over someone or what they've said and done.
Realize that people are still cruel and you still have no friends.
So... if people aren't hating your fat
all thats left is you.

Something inside you
who you are.
Its You, who's to blame.
And every hurtfull thing that is ever said.
Is directed towards you.

Theres something wrong with you and it's all your falt.
And your left alone, with no fat cells to sheild you.

So God hates the world

and apprently
"It wasn't my choice to do that. "
Nice.
Humanity has hope after all, because they all stand by and watch the slaughter.
Redemption is upon us after fucking all.
Gah, I hate bad moods.
And people.
I hate people.
Perticularly boys.
I hate boys.
How many times have I said that recesently?
T.T

After moments like these, you just can't help but feel pretty darm cold and empty.
Cold and alone.. seeps right in and sits with you, don't it?

Thursday, May 3, 2007

ZOMBIES!








And other school related boredom.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Still more on the phone,

I hate the false promises it offers and holds.
The broken words of the ones who were there until the end.
The last of the good boys, the ones you could trust.
The boys who accepted you, the one's you nurtured and helped.
The ones who were in this things for you, and not what you keep between your thights.
Turns out they don't have time for you when things get rought.
But you know that fucker sure as hell will ring when their balls are in a pinch.
Cowards.
Every last one of you.
And I shall fall for it no more.

Hung by a phone cord

God I really hate the telephone.
I mean really, really dispise it.
It's offers of false hope and it's taunting curve.
Right now I find myself staring at it through tear blurred eyes, wanting to pick it up, to call someone. Anyone... to not feel so shity and alone.
But honestly, who the hell do I have to call?
To depend on?
I'm one of the boys. No more real girlfriends, well Kcam she has soccer and I don't want to push my luck, i'd frankly be pretty lost without her.
Yes, sir. Just one of the good old boys.

To bad the selfish bastards never bothered to let you know;
Once puberty hits.
You're one of them no more.
You have to either fuck them or get outta there.
You can have no real friends.

Thanks for choosing to rub it in, fuckers.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The lords day

Ok, god.
I know I don't really believe in you and shit and your followers tend to be pricks alot of the time, and I rag on them.
But dude, I totally do not deserve to go to hell.
I mean I know that whole deal with the and on the 7th day thou shall rest, and man I'm cool with that. I mean, I'm here at working trying my hardest to get in for resting for you big guy.
But man, call off your people.. I mean they just keep calling.
I'm trying out this whole sabath deal, but the phones keep ringing.
So God, please help me out with your comandments and get your people to rest it up, so I can to my part to save my soul

Amen

Not so Hardcore

Well first news it would seem everything is magically better and everyone is back to normal.
I don't know why, I don't wanna pry and try and find out while messing shit up in the process.
So I just accept and enjoy the fact.

In other hardcore news, went to Graeme's metal show. Small turn out but it was still sweet getting to be so close to the bands and having everyone walk out. (Eye candy allways a plus too).
Kcam was there, although she hates metal it was nice to see her and hang out.. I'm sure she enjoyed some of it like watching prepboy in the mosh pit :P and joking with Christian and Graham M. Condom was there and creature showed up too, Dos, amy even Adam W was there (Hilarious btw). Good time all around, the bands were great. Rebeca's grave rocked (shirtless lead never hurts either), it was cool because I was siting back with Kcam as she didn't like the mosh scene, on the table rocking out (ok.. really just looking lame). And the guitar who I was talking to before the set came up to play for us, mid rift really sweet he came up and basically stood right over my knee and played for us. Which I think is perticulalry cool as we were pretty far off to the side lines. Little extra effort, it was nice to see.. and you know fucking awesome to have someone tearing a rift in fucing licking distance. Axe+hot guitarist in your face= awesome.

highlights inculde Prepboy moshing, which was hilarious and awesome and adorable.
He also came up behind me and shoved me forward then grabed my shoulders and pulled me back, which confused me because Gwyn had been standing right behind me and I had no clue what she was doing. Oh yea, Gwyn showed up too, and SHE headbanged for me (Donnie, Amy, Kcam and Christian all wouldn't T.T). So gwyn and I stuck it out, the last band really had no one but Rebecca's Grave got into the mosh pit which was awesome.. and I swear their other guitarist is like related to nigel.. spooky resemblance.. only you know long sexy metal hair and smaller.

All was cool, and good. Condom left early because once creatuyre showed up he thought it would be cool to drive off a table and deliver a flying elbow to Condom's temple. So he was pretty shaken.

Gwyn and I hung around, spoke to some bands and took all the recycleables and shit. Went home, turns out she couldn't spend the night which sucked but we were gonna watch a movie. Then got an IM from Condom, he was in bad shape confused, alone and shit. Dizzy, he wasn't doing well. So we went to get him, he was a bit delierous, rambling, twitching and just general shifty shit. So we drove him to the afterhours clinic (he didn't wanna go so we lied and said we had to get something from school, he didn't really know what was going on anyway).

Kept saying not to let him fall asleep because he didn't wanna go into a coma. Turns out the fucking after hours place closes at 8pm (WTF?!?). So back to my house we went, he was still not doing good. Worried I called my neighbors/doctors at like 11pm >.< she said she couldn't diagnoist over the phone BUT If he was not himself/confused dizzy etc he need to go to emerge.
So.. Gwyn who had to be home at 12am (cue 11:30 when we desided no risks, in we go).

Took 40$ from my mom, and headed in. Best part of the evening the parking lot have the damn stick thing partway down, but cue gwyns kick ass tiny car we drove right under it, the back got a bit bumped but it was awesome. So basically I filled out forms, got what info I could from condom and we sat and waited. Gwyn stayed until around 12, after he'd gone in to see the nurse and had to wait until they called him to go see the doc/x-ray or w/e. She peeled, 20 mins later her mom calls the cell I say she's on her way. Cue waiting until fucking 3AM!!! Before we get into see a damn doctor. Well 3am until we got into the doctors room, another 30+ mins until a DOCTOR came in. Fucking Saint John Emerge. Anyways, turns out by that time Condom was pretty coherent and we just needed to see if he could go to sleep or not.

The doctor came in, confirmed he had a concussion and was glad I would be supervising him all night. Informed that if any vomiting or comfusion/bleeding occured to come back in. He didn't think there was any bleeding in the brain, so that was good and he opted out of the scan because the radiation could be harmfull and Condom seemed to be on the mends.

Doctor time 20 mins.
Called a cab (33$ Fucking dollars, rip off bastards).
Waited until practially 5, the cabby asked for cash up front gave him 40$ he said he'd give us changed when we got there -_- and then took the long way to my place and needed directions.
Then he asked me what he owed me (I admit it I looked fucking shady as all hell, but you can't rip me off cocksucker I'm sober and allways will be).

Got home, in bed by 5:30 for some reason now that i was in bed 100% fucking awake. Got up at 7, rolled over until 8. Showered, dressed, grabed food, drove Condom home (doing much better, head still hurt but that obvious wasn't going away) and came to work. On mother fucking time.

Boo yeah.

I'm on my 3rd cup of cold coffee.. I think It was made yesterday and just left there, but fucked if I care.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Coping onlt minorly

ok so basically yesterday was yet another bad day in the sea of awful days.
Only worsten a bit.
Because now, i'm going to say it's pretty much final, i'm boned and have no one left.
I made a huge post on LJ after wards, right when Adam S and Kcam droped me off here.
After a terrible akward and silent car ride :sigh:. Remeber the days when I used to be able to clear up misunderstandings instead of silent cry in the back seat?
Good times.

Thankfull I managed to get it undercontrol long enough to thank them and invite them to sessions and to feel free to come on by for 24 as i'll probobly be home with nothing to do.
:cue closing the door: and then resuming sobing.

I hate allways feeling so damn down and hopeless, just once I want to know i have someone who's there for me and allways will be. And I want to be able to suck things up and not allways breakdown in tears. I've been crying everday since elementary, everyday I've lived in this damn town and I'm sick and tired of it.

Moral of the story, post, cry, pull covers over you head and lay and cry there until sleep insues.
I went to bed at 4 yesterday and slept until 7 this morning.. i still feel tired and shitty.
But i'm going to have to shower, get dressed and pretend to be happy once again to go to sessions.

Maybe dos is right and I do need to go on meds.
But even typing that brings back the sobing.
I'm just gonna shower before I wake up my mom again
I know how much she hates getting woken up by my crying