For those who want to know (An incomplete history on Lalma)

I had this friend who's only social contact was me and my group of friends. She was bulimic, self mutalating, manipulative, told us a now believed fabricated story about another friend of ours sexual assaulting her (which we believed and she turned to me for help, so I had to sort all that out with him/keep him away from her etc. I nearly killed this friend of mine numerous times based on what she told us and convinced him to go along with.), she enjoyed drama creating it and having a fuss made about her, she enjoyed playing people off one another, she dated another friend of mine who when he told her she loved him she would say that was nice but she didn't care for him, she fucked with everyone going so far as to ask for my protractor while sitting in another friends lap in the student lounge and using it to gauge a line down her leg until I tackled her an pulled it away.

I received numerous suicide phone calls at all hours which I had to talk her out of, so far as to removing blades etc from her hands/body, she had a disagreement with my friend she was dating so to get her way she'd choke herself and when he tried to remove her hands from her throat when she turned purple she scratched his arm and dug her nails into her own neck. She told us her father abused her (which I actually believe), he is a local cop and we once had to go to her house to remove her from his custody. During this encounter he (a 6.4 foot large bulky man hulk) blocked the doorway, telling us to leave or we'd be charged for kidnapping. All the while she was standing behind him fighting for the door, crying "Amanda please help me!" ( a phrase she used a lot, because she knew the response it would get). She is a short, bulimic 15 year old at this time, he is holding her back with one hand while threatening us to leave. I refuse. We tell him we will leave when he lets her come with us, until he cools down. She's throwing herself at him and the door failing and sobbing for me to help her. He pushed her back into a wall, and opens the door a crack to come out and threat me. She slips out past him, grabs my shoulders and hides behind me, hands digging into my shoulders, I step forward to protect her as he comes out arms raised. He goes to walk around me to grab her, I side step him grabbing his out stretched arm away from her. Repeating he go inside, he gets angrier, looks as if he is ready to hit me and I ready to hit him back, my friend drew steps in and convinces him to allow us to talk to her alone. He hands him the car keys.

Eventually we get to take her with us, that night again she slashes her arms when I turned my back. Her parents take her back the next day. This goes on for months, until one day my Fiancee tells me he wants to see other people. Namely, he wants to see her. Apparently after he'd driven me home from a party when he went back she was there and wanted to talk to him about how her on again off again relationship with our mutual friend wasn't working and to discuss what was wrong with my relationship with him. This is the first time they've ever really talked, she mentions that she loves him. So he leaves me for her. Our entire friendship circle breaks apart, until a month later when she convinces him to throw a party to get the old gang back together, except without inviting me. All my old friends go to the party and become a group again, everyone now feels to awkward to talk to me.

She transfers to my ex's school. She shows up with a friend of mine to MY prom. My ex's prom is going on in the building next to this one, yet he is there alone and she is at my prom and dances with my date.

A year later I get an e-mail from her/that group of friends about how my ex-fiancee is hitting her. I try to ignore it. But she keeps asking for help, I call him and inform him to smarten the hell up and if he hurts her, I will beat him senseless. A few months later, she's sleeping with his drug dealer roommate. She eventually leaves him for the drug dealer. They have an on again off again thing. I run into him at a bar (never met before just heard about him), he informs me that he is supposed to hate me. Because the people he hangs out with want him too, that they tell him bad things about me and how awful I am. I walk away.

*This is the short version, I spared you the details.
I still get messages/calls from friends about her or about how they want to have a get together with her, my ex and me. Or about "why do you hate her?" etc. Although I do not hate her, I would just prefer she stay out of my life unless she needs my help with something. In which case, I simply want to help her fix whatever problem/issue it is and move onto our separate lives again.

memoir of a bad day

Do you ever forget your insecurities? The issues from your past? Those dark spots in you mind and heart?
Ever start to think, it's over and i'm getting through. I can be happy here, as things are, I need no miracles. And then one bad day, tiny string of events, hopes, expectations.... and it's gone. And your left alone, feeling sad.

That's what today has been.

That girl you don't see her round no more

I'm running on no sleep, no coffee, no water and no food.
i am under hydrated, undercaffinate, underslept.
I think my insomnia is coming back, yesterday was one of the best days since returning from the magic that was the gathering, I remeber I was actually happy when the lights went off and my head hit the pillow, but it is allways during those crucial times when the mind wanders before sleep that we are most vulnerable.

After these 19 years of being strong, maybe even hard, needing no one or anything and getting buy. 19 years of strength, I felt every last inch of it dwindle and die last night. I thought of all the good times last week, and the good times of my past, my friends who meant more than the world, more than family and blood. I remebered where they all are now, who do I tell my secrets too? The people I confided in, talked to, god we talked about everything, their all gone. And then the emptiness set in. How these last few weeks with family are taking an extra years worth of toll, divorce, fighting, immaturity, yelling. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually growing apart from them as well, funny I didn't realize there was anything to grow apart from with them. I can't talk to them, or lean on them.

And I felt really alone. Dispite the people I just left, for some reason we never reached the point where we can talk about anything, or rather where I can talk about anything. Seems to be the one thing about me, anyone can tell me anything.. I like that. What I don't like, is how I no longer have that support group that I can have the same feeling of support, guidance maybe. I suppose there's the PPK, and I love them all, truely. It's just... I don't think I've ever been able to truely feel the miles between people, as I can with them.

Grade 9-10 the old group, the table, those are times I truely and sorely miss. But even if I seek out the memebers of my past, I know what was there is dead, and I lack the medical and social knowledge to bring it back. I thinkt hat maybe i'm not good enough, to have them, or anyone. Friends in general. And it's back to childhood and inadequencies, something I guess I never really got over.

But i'm degressing, this is supposed to be a retelling of everything I felt and thought last night, in those hours of sleeplessness, when I willed myself to remeber, to stay in bed away from the paper, remeber and write tomorow, sleep now. But sleep never really came.

I felt cold, and alone. In this new house's lack of warm, maybe I hope the memories would stay within the wooden cofines of the house in which they happened, the first kisses, the sleep overs, confessions, love, video games and friendship. But they didn't. I can't remeber when I started crying, but it happened, strength and will melted into sorrow and weakness. Alone in my new world, with the prospects of leaving forever (finally) exciting adulthood and return to my home town, the city I love. The new life i've wanted ever since I arrived here just weeks away, and this place got to me again. Againts the cold walls of my new bed room my sides shook with tears and sobs, feeling alone as I ever had in this place. Wiping the water from my cheeks, thinking about how pathetic is was to be here, to lose out now when i'm so close. To actually maybe even fear my new life? That maybe it's not the awnser, maybe things won't get better, maybe it's just me.

I wonder if selfesteme is something i'll ever truely master, last week was a great boost in moral, mood, life and self worth. But then the reality of all i've lost, and thoughts of when that too will be lost came crashing in. Pathetic.
Worst still are thoughts of intimacy, gosh, how long has it been? Sure there are needs, wants, desires, lust even. But the thought of those needs ever being met again seems slim, perhaps the hormones or lust itself drove these crazy thoughts. I honestly sat and wondered, willed myself to remeber, how was it done, what happened? Sure the basic biology is a given, the feelings or sensations are vividly recalls, but I can't picture it. Or really even ever picture how it would be done again. Can you forget how to do it? Can you ever re-learn, or are you doomed to celibacy. A scary thought. Thinking back to it all I couldn't remeber anything positive, just his hands on me, violation and the memories of what happend with that chapter. I tried to stop it all, not to think to remeber to envision, but it all came back. And I couldn't get his hands off me, his touch lingered, his lies everything felt as if it were infecting me, making me ill, tainted. I felt gross, worst of all I felt weak. The mere memories or vague flashes, and all i could envision was myself with him and feel disgust and sorrow.

I cryed harder, and wondered where all my years of strength had gone. Where she was, or anyone, all the people I had once confided the world in. The people who kept me going, and the bonds we were so sure would last forever. I sobed until it was morning, lay down my head and thought of all the great friendships and people and what had become of us all.