Sickness burried deep within my gut

and nothing seems to let it seep out.
Sometimes I just seem to wonder if it can simply be fucked out?
Escape all the self hate, loneliness and worthlessness in extacy?
Why is it that people only seem to want you when they have no one else?
Is it really to much to ask to be there for someone and have the same?

I can't help but feel unwanted these days.
Living with the family continues to get worst, Zane bitching all the time, Denise talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. My parents only speak to me to half assidly ask how my week went and not listen to whatever the fuck I say, instead they bitch about my student loan or how i need to apply for more scolarships ( yeah i do, but i also need to do my homework so I PASS school). They only bitch about each other or money, but mostly both. But isn't that what makes the world go round? Not loving. Blood. Friends. Caring. But money. Cold hard cash is where it's at.

I can't even seem to entertain myself anymore, I just feel bored, bitter and resentfull. Watch the names pop on the screen, remeber all the faces who no longer talk to me. Sometimes wonder why I don't just talk to them, big mistake. Normaly a quick rejection or suddent death of conversation. Glue called and we discussed next weeks plans, which I'm looking forward too. Maybe we'll actually get past the part where everything just feels akward. Master called to, wanted me to go over ... he allways seems to be an issue. Part of me wants to go, naively sit and be friends like before, stupid girl. I know better, and I know that's not what it's going to be. Part of me wants it, a simple good time, no strings right? Not the case, of course I create my own strings of guilt and self contempt. I feel vile, cheap and used probobly because I am.

I'm no help to myself, lonely and hating anyone who bothers to talk to me for the wrong reasons.
Hormones maybe? Fuck it, maybe I should take a cheap roll in the sack it works for all of them doesn't it? But I know that will create twice as many problems, after all sex is allways an issue with you isn't it. I wish I knew why, and how to fix it.. but i never figured that much out. And then there's The Pumpkin King, I don't know what's going on there but I know sexing someone will not help that in anyway. I feel sick, I haven't beeen eating. Why is it that even if I try it all still comes back to get me? These fucking issues never leave.

At any moment the problems could come back, markings, bingeing all of that shit. Nothing ever goes away. As I was discussing with Apple, What the fuck happened to all us? And why did we all get so fucked up from one little event? I know people say their world got turned upside down, but it really happened. Nothing stayed the same, things that should never change did. And it still effect us even today, but why? The worst part is, it's not actually him or I that matters here. I don't miss Rotten, relationships or love, it's everyone else. Is that wrong? I did love him, more than I'd thought possible, but now it all means nothing to me. Should it? I miss his mom more than anything in the world (besides maybe karen), that's not the way it's suposed to be.

All these fuckign questions, remaining unawnsered since that day.. heck questions from that kiss on my 16th are still unawnsered. What the fuck is going on here?

I must be crazy it never ends

Well Satan is talking to me again.
Starting today, the two month silence treatment ends for no apprent reason, in fact he was pretty damn nice and 100% back to his old self. I know I predicted and expected such a turn of events, but it still throws me every time.. I just don't get it.

In fact he actualy came here today, and you know came to speak to me etc, said bye as he was leaving and everything. Course he came to ask me to lie to his mom, told him I couldn't lie and to ask zane so he did, but as he was leaving he said bye.

Little things like that really get to you when you haven't heard them in awhile.
There is a concert at sessions tomorow which should be good, and Prepboy and Satan are coming to studying soo I guess it is just like old times.
For better or worst, I haven't a clue.

They also showed up again, later on to ask jason to come with them, he told them to get lost (^-^).

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In other news I have SOOO much to do, sewing the prom dress, making curtains, billions of little projects, books to read, recipe testing (which I have slacked on to no end) and AP exams/school work. God the school work and school reading... let alone all the books I want to get/read.
Jesus.

I can't understand that dispite all the shit I have to do, I constantly find myself doing nothing.. or wasting time.. and still somehow worn out and tired, I don't get it!
I go to bed earlier than ever, sleep in a little bit later and take lots of breaks, heck I've even started actually eating a bit better (getting some recipie testing done after all :)), drinking lots of water, heck I just ate some plain fucking almonds for a snack. And had my first glass of pop in a while.

School work: I need to read psyche and that book for english
Do my media studies essay
Study for my exams
And do my french final project
Oh and teach a class of cul tech at some point too... hmm.

Another oddity: Every so often at school it hits me that this is the last or one of the last times this will ever happen. The yearbook room, psyche class, harrasment by Ross or Perkins... everything is ending. I was allways aware and couldn't wait, still can't.. but I keep getting that ever so slight sadness and longing.. all the art classes i never took, theater arts and Todds other classes, Peircy, all my old high school friends I rarely see, my highschool grad friends I'm still with and don't see.. and I just fell as if i'm full of longing for more time, for past time, for a diffrent course.

I will miss everyone so much my heart aches, and then I realize I'm missing them know, and most of them are gone allready.. how far apart we've grown, or how close we were never able to be. OR even how close they all are to each other.

It's kinda funny.. 12 years later and I'm still the same outside I was back then.

Summer days

You know what? I think I am going to keep my job during the summer. I'll start out part time, switch into full time if I get too bored.. and then when vacation time comes (if I can't get Vegan the Gathering and the PEI road trip off, or anthrofest or anything else I really want to do.. then i'm just gone). Actually, Maybe I'll switch to full time and then opt back to part time if need be.. course the thing there is after becoming full timer once more. Part time positions may become obsolete, and then it will be ulitimatim time again. Stay, or Quit.

Heck my mind will probobly change within the next hour, but for now.. i'll stay.
It's for the best i think.
Course I also have to vist the school more often this summer ;) <3.

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In regards to last night.. it was well.. the past.
But I've come to realize i'm stronger now, more in control, barely but more than before. Things didn't get that bad, although I still found myself wanting them too at times. Damn Id, i guess.
In the end my super ego came out on top and still feeling guilty as allways, but the Id got a little something too. I figured out something odd about myself tho.. for the first time ever.. I've grown possesive of my bed, and sharing it isn't as pleasent as i remeber. Not sure what it was really, but for some reasons alot of the cuddles and attention rolled right off. My knees weren't weakend, my pulse quicken and for once I was thankful for my short fuse.

I'm still struggling with whither to feel empowered by my reactions or disabled. I could have sworn a few times when he embraced me, the toxins pumping through my veins wanted to push his off and walk away. It seems I am in fact free, no longer his easily manipulated slave.. but I'm begining to wonder if I've become cold and unfeeling towards his pain. I don't want to be powerless, but I don't want to be unfeeling either. The idea of pushing someones affection away, or not caring or believing in their pain is foreign to me.. I'd like it to stay that way. But somehow It seems as if my plate has a taste for the distastefull and an appetite for shame.

Fruit full of maggots

Crap.
"ahh just the two of us would rock, but whatever happens, happens"
I think i'm sufficently fucked now. Course, i could just be expecting things to go bad and finding ways to make it seem like its the case.
Tomorows forcast: shaddy

Into the flame

Well.. yesterday's tv marathon rocked!
Awesome food and Jack bauer kicking ass left right and center.
Kcam had to leave early so that put us on hold on disk 2.
I'm outta Veronica Mars.. It's killing me! I need my daily fix damn it!!
Should get some homework done today as i work all tomorow..
Master is coming over tonight, looks like its too late to go back.
Chances are good i'm diving into hades.
Sad part is, i'm not sure i care...

Amanda just said she's not sure she cares... this should be troubling.