Yearbook wisdom

In my odd 19 years on this planet I have yet to gain any insight or awesome knowledge or wisdom to share except this, I am getting old. That is all I've learned, thus far.

That and you should always keep your friends close, because they are more important than any weight of gold. And you should fuck you enemies, because if you fuck you friends then everything goes to shit.

Love you always and have a great summer.
-B.A.D.
xoxoxox

I hear you weep so far from me

It seems I have entered apathy.
This fact worries me to a degree, as I am normaly a very caring person (probobly too much soo) and base most of my life etc around this fact. Of course I supose my caring also leads to many of my annoying tendencies, so perhaps this is a good thing?
I really don't know.

I'm enjoying it none the less. My guilt is greatly reduced and my soul may be damned, but i'm smiling. Master's hold is gone for good, although I still find myself debating the ethics of calling upon him in times of *ahem* need. But then again, I've never claimed to me a moral person. (Caring yes, moral.. probobly not)
It's just so odd for me, the feelings, emotions and thoughts I had as he cried... me.. I mean my usual thoughts where there, but they seemed silence by this new presences. I want to say she was mean, but maybe she's just logical or self preserving, watchfull or apprehensive maybe. Either way she called the shots right, cued the lean in, the soft strokes, gentle carress and the hang migrating to the leg.

Surpsingly dispite this empowering developement, I still find myself angered by things. The urge to hit things seems to come from no-wheres and thankfully disapear quickly as well. I'm not sure were i'm going anymore.. as a person i mean. I have my entire life "Planed" in a sence, school, location, career etc. But the one thing I allways knew above all else, who I am or was.. thats gone. I find it a little bit amusing how completely upseting and calming this new notion is.

I am alone.
Really, there is no one (if Maybe few) people I can trust or honest call my friends.. and of those people their consistancy or tolerance of me perhaps, changes every day.
I have no friends, no one I can really truely trust.
Certainly no one I can depend on.
And for the most part I don't care.. or don't seem to.
Whats worst.. is I sometimes find myself not caring when I lose someone. Grantit, I guess I know Satan etc aren't really "gone".. but still.

I guess I really don't know what i'm saying, maybe not even how i feel or who i am anymore.
I still care.. but maybe not as much?
More importantly will I ever get it back? and do I want it?
I say I do, I feel I do... but at the same time I do so enjoy this rush of power.
I am in control and none of you can make me unhappy.
Shouldn't I be glad?

Summer days

You know what? I think I am going to keep my job during the summer. I'll start out part time, switch into full time if I get too bored.. and then when vacation time comes (if I can't get Vegan the Gathering and the PEI road trip off, or anthrofest or anything else I really want to do.. then i'm just gone). Actually, Maybe I'll switch to full time and then opt back to part time if need be.. course the thing there is after becoming full timer once more. Part time positions may become obsolete, and then it will be ulitimatim time again. Stay, or Quit.

Heck my mind will probobly change within the next hour, but for now.. i'll stay.
It's for the best i think.
Course I also have to vist the school more often this summer ;) <3.

****************************************************************
In regards to last night.. it was well.. the past.
But I've come to realize i'm stronger now, more in control, barely but more than before. Things didn't get that bad, although I still found myself wanting them too at times. Damn Id, i guess.
In the end my super ego came out on top and still feeling guilty as allways, but the Id got a little something too. I figured out something odd about myself tho.. for the first time ever.. I've grown possesive of my bed, and sharing it isn't as pleasent as i remeber. Not sure what it was really, but for some reasons alot of the cuddles and attention rolled right off. My knees weren't weakend, my pulse quicken and for once I was thankful for my short fuse.

I'm still struggling with whither to feel empowered by my reactions or disabled. I could have sworn a few times when he embraced me, the toxins pumping through my veins wanted to push his off and walk away. It seems I am in fact free, no longer his easily manipulated slave.. but I'm begining to wonder if I've become cold and unfeeling towards his pain. I don't want to be powerless, but I don't want to be unfeeling either. The idea of pushing someones affection away, or not caring or believing in their pain is foreign to me.. I'd like it to stay that way. But somehow It seems as if my plate has a taste for the distastefull and an appetite for shame.