Thursday, May 24, 2007

more issues

I have a pressing issue, i need to talk about and solve.
But I don't have anyone to talk to it about, which in itself is a piss off.
I posted about it, but not here.
It's related to a bothersome topic for me.
Fuck, I really wish I could think of someone who would be good for this, imparsial and not judgemental.

Sadly enough the only person coming to mind is Prepboy, less than reliable.. and lude.
Also part of it involves him and me never living something down.. so maybe not.

further fustrations and let downs

ARG! I just check all my marks and not a single one in the 90's.
That really pissed me off, I've lost ever high mark I had.
And this optional psyche project may end up hurting me more than helping... so i'm torn about whether or not to bother trying to do it.
:le sigh:

I accidentally posted this to my happy blog oops.
Post time was really: 2:50

You know the days aren't getting brighter when you no longer feel like dancing

WARNING: Huge speal on my day and how i've been feeling lately. It's all inner thoughts and shit, so it's not only boring but probobly whiny. It's almost a rant, be forwarned.

Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3

different times, I even managed not to cry those times and

aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall

before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall

is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought

about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts

escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance

to write.

Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane

tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was

pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in

french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19

years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without

anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay

in public etc.

School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.

Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was

bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a

bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution

is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.

I mean, take french class, I've been in french since

kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in

the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in

the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.

The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to

complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally

going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,

erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the

dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.

So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and

dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get

it, stop reminding me.

But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've

annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not

to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends

each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my

life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time

until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my

life and everything to help, to make things better for her..

but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That

she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still

lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.

I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about

Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply

because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was

a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone

else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a

degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the

change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and

hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm

sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell

myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much

less painfull.

Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact

I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and

Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.

I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.

Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and

dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when

I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I

feel like not are they just friends with them, but their

slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really

the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I

keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with

each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could

have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.

:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a

way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and

Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it

right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.

I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking

about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there

would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's

really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just

a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I

really don't wanna see you again.

I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with

having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e

and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the

friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more

about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that

way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I

never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes

I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.

But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a

friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,

probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for

someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life

with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was

wrong about it all anyway.

But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of

how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each

other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..

I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure

of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,

who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,

tired of it all and feel like giving up.

There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A

boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was

shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it

was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not

normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how

easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and

Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no

sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.

Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I

wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or

akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling

bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok

to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,

until my thoughts drifted to something else.

Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I

allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,

the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back

twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went

for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking

lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which

is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.

I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the

sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me

now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all

was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday

thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people

mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but

still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's

not their fault.

Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.

After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally

fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've

been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly

stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've

been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been

getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even

just sit with in a room.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sick fuckers

Chrstian domestic discipline, notice how they replaced the violence with discipline?
Wife beating site is in pink
Links are blue
I'm in lime

Bible wife beaters R us

Talking to the husband
" d o I have to spank her to tears?

Yes, by spanking her to tears you are allowing her to fully submit and be humbled for her actions."

I know I've said it once, but I shall say it again some Christians are forked up. Seriously.

" What instrument should I use?

The best by far is always the hand, it is safer then other things, and besides you always have it with you."


Maintance discipline, now she doesn't even get a chance to misbehave!
Let's beat her everyday

Postioning and what to do if she doesn't comply

"The comparatively smooth transitioning from lecture to punishment positioning eliminates the need to move the wife to the side before bending them over. A towel on the husband's thigh can both alleviate hygienic concerns as well as minimize the effect of unforeseen stress incontinence."

So i guess the hygenic concern is that she doesn't bleed on you?

""Providing a pillow will allow the wife to further support her torso, or to bury her head and muffle her crying""
Can you have people charged over the web?

the spanking withers any rebellion, the woman's legs will naturally relax as her resistance fades and she accepts her fate."

Like forking hell it would fade.

http:// the woman's blog
This women is mildy insane.
no really she is

Look at her favorite quotes.

If I ever see this guy, i;m going to knock out his teeth. Fuck this is sick.

Oh, look the store sells crotchless pantallons and bruise balm, how ironic.

Note this site is not about concensual spanking or any form of kink/sex play. If is were consensual and about getting off/loving play I'd be all for it. But it's about control and being The H.O.H.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sickness burried deep within my gut

and nothing seems to let it seep out.
Sometimes I just seem to wonder if it can simply be fucked out?
Escape all the self hate, loneliness and worthlessness in extacy?
Why is it that people only seem to want you when they have no one else?
Is it really to much to ask to be there for someone and have the same?

I can't help but feel unwanted these days.
Living with the family continues to get worst, Zane bitching all the time, Denise talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. My parents only speak to me to half assidly ask how my week went and not listen to whatever the fuck I say, instead they bitch about my student loan or how i need to apply for more scolarships ( yeah i do, but i also need to do my homework so I PASS school). They only bitch about each other or money, but mostly both. But isn't that what makes the world go round? Not loving. Blood. Friends. Caring. But money. Cold hard cash is where it's at.

I can't even seem to entertain myself anymore, I just feel bored, bitter and resentfull. Watch the names pop on the screen, remeber all the faces who no longer talk to me. Sometimes wonder why I don't just talk to them, big mistake. Normaly a quick rejection or suddent death of conversation. Glue called and we discussed next weeks plans, which I'm looking forward too. Maybe we'll actually get past the part where everything just feels akward. Master called to, wanted me to go over ... he allways seems to be an issue. Part of me wants to go, naively sit and be friends like before, stupid girl. I know better, and I know that's not what it's going to be. Part of me wants it, a simple good time, no strings right? Not the case, of course I create my own strings of guilt and self contempt. I feel vile, cheap and used probobly because I am.

I'm no help to myself, lonely and hating anyone who bothers to talk to me for the wrong reasons.
Hormones maybe? Fuck it, maybe I should take a cheap roll in the sack it works for all of them doesn't it? But I know that will create twice as many problems, after all sex is allways an issue with you isn't it. I wish I knew why, and how to fix it.. but i never figured that much out. And then there's The Pumpkin King, I don't know what's going on there but I know sexing someone will not help that in anyway. I feel sick, I haven't beeen eating. Why is it that even if I try it all still comes back to get me? These fucking issues never leave.

At any moment the problems could come back, markings, bingeing all of that shit. Nothing ever goes away. As I was discussing with Apple, What the fuck happened to all us? And why did we all get so fucked up from one little event? I know people say their world got turned upside down, but it really happened. Nothing stayed the same, things that should never change did. And it still effect us even today, but why? The worst part is, it's not actually him or I that matters here. I don't miss Rotten, relationships or love, it's everyone else. Is that wrong? I did love him, more than I'd thought possible, but now it all means nothing to me. Should it? I miss his mom more than anything in the world (besides maybe karen), that's not the way it's suposed to be.

All these fuckign questions, remaining unawnsered since that day.. heck questions from that kiss on my 16th are still unawnsered. What the fuck is going on here?

Friday, May 18, 2007

Sometimes you just can't help it

Things that make me uncomfortable:

10:Shoping for clothing when there is a "helpful" sales person. Asking how your doing in the changing room, if you need a bigger/smaller size and tell you what they think of the clothing. I just don't like and they make me feel akward.
9:Reading in class. Odd. Because I can read out loud, I don't perticularly care what people think about my reading but i sometimes choke and mess up stupid words and look dumb. Which is fine, because everyone else who reads does it too.. but i guess it just add fuel fire to the mean side that allready has enough amo. My throat/muscles tense and I can feel my body worrying about it as I read. Stupid but true.
8:Wearing skirts/dresses. I can't sit or move properly in them, i don't like my legs and keep waiting for someone to make fun of them. oh, and you know I probobly flash 20 people a day in one of them.
7:When I run out of things to say. Seriously it happens and I can't do anything but think "WTF?! how did YOU! run out of something to say? You run your damn mouth a million miles a minute for years. Idiot." Especially when this happens with new people, or people I haven't seen in a while. It's like omg! i haven't seen you forever!! :never ending slience:
6:Making phone calls. I'm not sure why, i choke up shake and feel horrible uncomfortable, but i love when people call me. Weird eh? I guess I assume that they don't really wanna talk to me or w/e and I'm bothering them or making them upset. stupid, but true.
5:Randomly droping by someone's house, or not having a final i'm on my way now, ok see you there. I can't do it, I will chicken out and risk not being able to see them if I can't confirm again that it's ok and they want me over/to come get them. But I love when people do it to me. Its again because I assume something came up, they aren't home, changed their mind, don't want to see me, didn't ask their parents, will regect me, slam the door, forgot about a project or a billion other reasons.
4:Guy's Mothers. Mother's of any male when encountering a new female aquatence of her son will pick her apart and size her up in everyway. She will also assume something "romantic" in nature is going on, or soon will be. If this is not the case, she will still keep the idea in mind. To a mother, every female is a posible Daughter in Law, so she is judged and either approved or disaproved of. So far, It seems I gain the approval, which makes alot of things easier and brings up further issues. I.E. the part where something romantic is happening or will be soon, and if they approve of said girl, something has to happen so they get her as the daughter inlaw. Mother's judge, meddle, assume and never forget. And you can tell when their doing 98% of these things. Its awful and I really dislike it, dispite the love I have for many a friends awesome mothers.. they still due this and it has lead to feeling akward.
3: Mirrors, I hate them. This probobly comes from the bad self image, but I can never tell when I'll look and see something normal or something disgusting. The later one is the usual out come and leads to lots of not goodness. But I guess it may just be left over emotions from the disorder.
2:Sex. No seriously. Most sexual things lead me to be extremely uncomfortable, for all the perv, jokes and braging or w/e.. I'm terribly affraid of contact and being made fun of. Seriously, I'm like hiding under the sheets, lights off, crying don't laugh at me uncomfortable horribleness. Oddly, this sometimes goes away.. but it's still pretty much there.
1:Trusting people. This may relate to a few of the previous ones.. but I can't help it but part of me allways assumes everyone hates me and is trying to find a way to hurt me. Obviously, I know this isn't true but it makes it alot harder when little things seem to illustrate this voice's point.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Personal perspective

Human being's self concept has allways been something that I found terribly intresting.

I can vividly remeber times in elementary school, thinking about the high school students or higher grades. Admiring how big and old they were. As for the younger grades this same amazingment at their youth and smallness.

And as with all humans it has never once crossed my mind how small, young, big nor old I myself am or was. It was never, wow i'm soo young, or i'm so old. Simply a remark as to how younger/smaller or older/bigger someone else was.

As if our selves are never old nor small.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Tension builds

Media studies essay!!!
Working, at work.... pysche exam.Stress.ARG!

Ok, now seriously... This essay is only 2 pages and should be fairly easy.. But it's not.
WTF is wrong with me? I'm suposed to use reader responce theory to review the film Children of Men. Easy right? No, not easy. Because I am an idiot!!

GAH! Why can't I think... ok, not suposed to talk about liking or disliking the film.. but respond to it..........................................................................................................................................................................................

yeah... see those dots? Thats my brain waves, I am comatos. Braid Dead. A vegetable if you will.
Why can't I think of what I'm suposed to write for this thing?!?!?!?!
Fuck. Fuck.Fuck.
And my coworker John just asked me what I was doing.. and then pointed out the obvious
"So you doing pointless work instead of something that will benifit you in societe."
Why yes.. yes I am. Because writing about how I am an idiot and unable to think about my assignment is possible.. were as me finding a way to do it, is not.


Why do I not feel better after writing this?
Oh yeah. Because I still can't write the essay!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Drunk driving project

Note: I'm using this post to keep info on my drunk driving project, so these are NON-Factual stories i'm creating for a project.
And Lauren, feel free to take any completed stories and beging Translating them. <3

Ben's story:
Friday night may 24th, 11:45PM

You were hanging out and partying with a few good friends, drinking and having a good time. You have work in a few hours and keep reminding yourself and your drive you have to go soon. But he's passed out, and in no condition to drive, your dad allready told you he couldn't come pick you up. Your friend offers you both a place to sleep, but your drive insists you leave, his parents need him home. Besides, you say "I have to work in the morning".
But to reasure you, you offer to drive, after all he's far worst off than you are. So you sya your goodbyes, and load you friend into the car.

It's dark out but the roads are pretty vacant so you feel alittle relieved, you wave as you pull out of the driveway and onto the road. Your friend is saying something about how he needs the car home in the passangers side, but you assure him you'll get it back to his place just fine. You decided to drive him home first, that way you can explain the situation to his parents and they may give you a ride back to your place. You head feels a little groggy but your almost there. If I speed up, I'll be able to get home in bed sooner you think as your foot presses down on the gas.

The car glides along the dark vacant roads, your hoping that there are no cop cars waiting behind the next bend. You friend tells you to turn on the radio, and you reach down for the knob and the music fills the car. All of a sudden you look up and see two bright head lights headed straight for you, you quickly pull the wheel to the side or at least you thought you pulled it quickly. The car jerks off the road, and careanses over the side walk.
Your body slams into the steering wheel, as the small car wraps itself around the tree. The sound of metal grinding fills your ears as you rib cage is crushed when the dashboard smashes towards you. You barely have time to process whats going on as the foggy image of bark imprints itself onto your retina. The shattered ribs punctured your heart and longs, filling them with blood and you drown. Your friends head smashed into the glass and metal frames, he lived long enough to burn alive as the engine ignited.

You were pronounced dead among the arrival of the paramedic team, your friend made it until 12:15, 4 mintues after they pulled his body out of the burning wreck.

Robyn's story(?)
Wendesay June 20th, 12AM

The last party of the year, you and your girlfriends are having the time of your life. Senoir year, and its all finaly over, your dates allready gone home, but your friends keep telling you that the cute guy in back likes you. They send you his way with two drinks in your hand, you take a sip and offer him the other plastic cup. Soon enough, your both feeling pretty tipsy and he confesses that he's going to the same university as you, because he found out you were going there. You look at him for a moment, surprised. It turns out he's had a thing for you since grade 9.

Your friends giggle at the news, and size him up from across the room. Over all approval, form them all. You all decide to take one last time on the dance floor, a few more drinks and your off.
Walking across the cold parking lot, you all laugh and pull your throws(shalls? wraps?) tight. You laugh as you watch one of your friends try to walk a straight line, shes wabbling left and right, someone makes a joke about how its a good thing she's not driving.

You all pile into the car with your poofy skirts, and someone puts a Pink CD into the drive. You chuckle as the back seat sings at the top of their lungs off key and you pull out of the parking lot.
You driving up the road, music blaring, laughing and your friends are congradulating you on your new love intrest as you aproach the intersection you look back to tell them to knock it off, but they know your kidding. You make your turn, your friends scream as your airbags.

You car turns directly into the drivers side of the station wagon, who had the right of way. You slowly look around, is everyone allright? As you pull away the air bag, your friend in the pasager side bleedly profusely from her nose. Broken in three spots, you'd later learn. Whip lash and shaken, you all exit the vehicle to survery the damage. You don't even know what you could have hit, you heart sinks as you exit the car.

The driver of the station wagon's head is hanging out the broken window. She's bleeding from her head, your friends are outside now, crying as one of them fumbles for her phone. 9-1-1, she dials, you too afraid to approach. Your friend slowly walks towards the car, oh no.. you hear her wisper as her knees give out. You don't want to look, but you hear the sound of your heels hitting the pavement. In the back seat, thats now bent inward you can make out what seems to be a child's booster admist the twisted metal. You can feel the hot tears on your cheeks as you reach out your hand to whats left of the car, you notice the blood driping from the boosters plastic frame.

The sirens fill the air and paramedics push you out of the way as they attempt to pry the doors open. An officer approaches you and asks if you were driving, you can't speak but you just nod and he asks you to come with him. He loads you up, into the back of his car and takes you away.

Your parents come to collect you from the cold cell about an hour later. They tell you how happy they are that your alive.

Later on, in court they inform you that the woman died that night while you were in bed, her baby was dead upon impact. You were given a fine, and community service was recomended.
The husband wore a black suit and a gray tie, he sat upfront for the hearing.


Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I must be crazy it never ends

Well Satan is talking to me again.
Starting today, the two month silence treatment ends for no apprent reason, in fact he was pretty damn nice and 100% back to his old self. I know I predicted and expected such a turn of events, but it still throws me every time.. I just don't get it.

In fact he actualy came here today, and you know came to speak to me etc, said bye as he was leaving and everything. Course he came to ask me to lie to his mom, told him I couldn't lie and to ask zane so he did, but as he was leaving he said bye.

Little things like that really get to you when you haven't heard them in awhile.
There is a concert at sessions tomorow which should be good, and Prepboy and Satan are coming to studying soo I guess it is just like old times.
For better or worst, I haven't a clue.

They also showed up again, later on to ask jason to come with them, he told them to get lost (^-^).

In other news I have SOOO much to do, sewing the prom dress, making curtains, billions of little projects, books to read, recipe testing (which I have slacked on to no end) and AP exams/school work. God the school work and school reading... let alone all the books I want to get/read.

I can't understand that dispite all the shit I have to do, I constantly find myself doing nothing.. or wasting time.. and still somehow worn out and tired, I don't get it!
I go to bed earlier than ever, sleep in a little bit later and take lots of breaks, heck I've even started actually eating a bit better (getting some recipie testing done after all :)), drinking lots of water, heck I just ate some plain fucking almonds for a snack. And had my first glass of pop in a while.

School work: I need to read psyche and that book for english
Do my media studies essay
Study for my exams
And do my french final project
Oh and teach a class of cul tech at some point too... hmm.

Another oddity: Every so often at school it hits me that this is the last or one of the last times this will ever happen. The yearbook room, psyche class, harrasment by Ross or Perkins... everything is ending. I was allways aware and couldn't wait, still can't.. but I keep getting that ever so slight sadness and longing.. all the art classes i never took, theater arts and Todds other classes, Peircy, all my old high school friends I rarely see, my highschool grad friends I'm still with and don't see.. and I just fell as if i'm full of longing for more time, for past time, for a diffrent course.

I will miss everyone so much my heart aches, and then I realize I'm missing them know, and most of them are gone allready.. how far apart we've grown, or how close we were never able to be. OR even how close they all are to each other.

It's kinda funny.. 12 years later and I'm still the same outside I was back then.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Its both kinda scary and sad

But sometimes I just really miss those younger days.
In middle school, eating disorder in full swing.
Because honestly, those days chocolate did make your day.
Eating, was a huge acomplishment
and over eating was the best high.

Both best and worst of all,
was that every mishap,
mistake, cruel look or word,
action or when people left you..
They all had once simple awnser:
Because you're fat.

My celluloid was to blame for all my woes.
The cruel words were directed at my appearance and I felt small
worthless and alone because of my flab.

But I grew older.
And now the better part of me knows (or pretends to)
That my weight, while ugly and not ideal,
is not the end of the world.
My fat isn't ruining my life.
And people don't hate it.
My weight holds no (excuss the term) weigh over my life.

The down part is
when you sit and feel alone
Cry over someone or what they've said and done.
Realize that people are still cruel and you still have no friends.
So... if people aren't hating your fat
all thats left is you.

Something inside you
who you are.
Its You, who's to blame.
And every hurtfull thing that is ever said.
Is directed towards you.

Theres something wrong with you and it's all your falt.
And your left alone, with no fat cells to sheild you.

So God hates the world

and apprently
"It wasn't my choice to do that. "
Humanity has hope after all, because they all stand by and watch the slaughter.
Redemption is upon us after fucking all.
Gah, I hate bad moods.
And people.
I hate people.
Perticularly boys.
I hate boys.
How many times have I said that recesently?

After moments like these, you just can't help but feel pretty darm cold and empty.
Cold and alone.. seeps right in and sits with you, don't it?

Thursday, May 3, 2007


And other school related boredom.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Still more on the phone,

I hate the false promises it offers and holds.
The broken words of the ones who were there until the end.
The last of the good boys, the ones you could trust.
The boys who accepted you, the one's you nurtured and helped.
The ones who were in this things for you, and not what you keep between your thights.
Turns out they don't have time for you when things get rought.
But you know that fucker sure as hell will ring when their balls are in a pinch.
Every last one of you.
And I shall fall for it no more.

Hung by a phone cord

God I really hate the telephone.
I mean really, really dispise it.
It's offers of false hope and it's taunting curve.
Right now I find myself staring at it through tear blurred eyes, wanting to pick it up, to call someone. Anyone... to not feel so shity and alone.
But honestly, who the hell do I have to call?
To depend on?
I'm one of the boys. No more real girlfriends, well Kcam she has soccer and I don't want to push my luck, i'd frankly be pretty lost without her.
Yes, sir. Just one of the good old boys.

To bad the selfish bastards never bothered to let you know;
Once puberty hits.
You're one of them no more.
You have to either fuck them or get outta there.
You can have no real friends.

Thanks for choosing to rub it in, fuckers.