You know the days aren't getting brighter when you no longer feel like dancing

WARNING: Huge speal on my day and how i've been feeling lately. It's all inner thoughts and shit, so it's not only boring but probobly whiny. It's almost a rant, be forwarned.

Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3

different times, I even managed not to cry those times and

aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall

before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall

is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought

about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts

escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance

to write.

Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane

tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was

pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in

french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19

years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without

anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay

in public etc.

School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.

Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was

bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a

bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution

is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.

I mean, take french class, I've been in french since

kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in

the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in

the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.

The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to

complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally

going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,

erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the

dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.

So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and

dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get

it, stop reminding me.

But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've

annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not

to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends

each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my

life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time

until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my

life and everything to help, to make things better for her..

but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That

she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still

lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.

I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about

Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply

because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was

a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone

else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a

degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the

change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and

hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm

sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell

myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much

less painfull.

Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact

I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and

Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.

I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.

Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and

dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when

I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I

feel like not are they just friends with them, but their

slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really

the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I

keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with

each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could

have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.

:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a

way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and

Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it

right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.

I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking

about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there

would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's

really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just

a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I

really don't wanna see you again.

I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with

having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e

and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the

friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more

about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that

way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I

never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes

I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.

But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a

friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,

probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for

someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life

with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was

wrong about it all anyway.

But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of

how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each

other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..

I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure

of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,

who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,

tired of it all and feel like giving up.

There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A

boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was

shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it

was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not

normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how

easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and

suddenly.
Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no

sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.

Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I

wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or

akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling

bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok

to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,

until my thoughts drifted to something else.

Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I

allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,

the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back

twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went

for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking

lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which

is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.

I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the

sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me

now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all

was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday

thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people

mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but

still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's

not their fault.

Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.

After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally

fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've

been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly

stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've

been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been

getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even

just sit with in a room.

Not so Hardcore

Well first news it would seem everything is magically better and everyone is back to normal.
I don't know why, I don't wanna pry and try and find out while messing shit up in the process.
So I just accept and enjoy the fact.

In other hardcore news, went to Graeme's metal show. Small turn out but it was still sweet getting to be so close to the bands and having everyone walk out. (Eye candy allways a plus too).
Kcam was there, although she hates metal it was nice to see her and hang out.. I'm sure she enjoyed some of it like watching prepboy in the mosh pit :P and joking with Christian and Graham M. Condom was there and creature showed up too, Dos, amy even Adam W was there (Hilarious btw). Good time all around, the bands were great. Rebeca's grave rocked (shirtless lead never hurts either), it was cool because I was siting back with Kcam as she didn't like the mosh scene, on the table rocking out (ok.. really just looking lame). And the guitar who I was talking to before the set came up to play for us, mid rift really sweet he came up and basically stood right over my knee and played for us. Which I think is perticulalry cool as we were pretty far off to the side lines. Little extra effort, it was nice to see.. and you know fucking awesome to have someone tearing a rift in fucing licking distance. Axe+hot guitarist in your face= awesome.

highlights inculde Prepboy moshing, which was hilarious and awesome and adorable.
He also came up behind me and shoved me forward then grabed my shoulders and pulled me back, which confused me because Gwyn had been standing right behind me and I had no clue what she was doing. Oh yea, Gwyn showed up too, and SHE headbanged for me (Donnie, Amy, Kcam and Christian all wouldn't T.T). So gwyn and I stuck it out, the last band really had no one but Rebecca's Grave got into the mosh pit which was awesome.. and I swear their other guitarist is like related to nigel.. spooky resemblance.. only you know long sexy metal hair and smaller.

All was cool, and good. Condom left early because once creatuyre showed up he thought it would be cool to drive off a table and deliver a flying elbow to Condom's temple. So he was pretty shaken.

Gwyn and I hung around, spoke to some bands and took all the recycleables and shit. Went home, turns out she couldn't spend the night which sucked but we were gonna watch a movie. Then got an IM from Condom, he was in bad shape confused, alone and shit. Dizzy, he wasn't doing well. So we went to get him, he was a bit delierous, rambling, twitching and just general shifty shit. So we drove him to the afterhours clinic (he didn't wanna go so we lied and said we had to get something from school, he didn't really know what was going on anyway).

Kept saying not to let him fall asleep because he didn't wanna go into a coma. Turns out the fucking after hours place closes at 8pm (WTF?!?). So back to my house we went, he was still not doing good. Worried I called my neighbors/doctors at like 11pm >.< she said she couldn't diagnoist over the phone BUT If he was not himself/confused dizzy etc he need to go to emerge.
So.. Gwyn who had to be home at 12am (cue 11:30 when we desided no risks, in we go).

Took 40$ from my mom, and headed in. Best part of the evening the parking lot have the damn stick thing partway down, but cue gwyns kick ass tiny car we drove right under it, the back got a bit bumped but it was awesome. So basically I filled out forms, got what info I could from condom and we sat and waited. Gwyn stayed until around 12, after he'd gone in to see the nurse and had to wait until they called him to go see the doc/x-ray or w/e. She peeled, 20 mins later her mom calls the cell I say she's on her way. Cue waiting until fucking 3AM!!! Before we get into see a damn doctor. Well 3am until we got into the doctors room, another 30+ mins until a DOCTOR came in. Fucking Saint John Emerge. Anyways, turns out by that time Condom was pretty coherent and we just needed to see if he could go to sleep or not.

The doctor came in, confirmed he had a concussion and was glad I would be supervising him all night. Informed that if any vomiting or comfusion/bleeding occured to come back in. He didn't think there was any bleeding in the brain, so that was good and he opted out of the scan because the radiation could be harmfull and Condom seemed to be on the mends.

Doctor time 20 mins.
Called a cab (33$ Fucking dollars, rip off bastards).
Waited until practially 5, the cabby asked for cash up front gave him 40$ he said he'd give us changed when we got there -_- and then took the long way to my place and needed directions.
Then he asked me what he owed me (I admit it I looked fucking shady as all hell, but you can't rip me off cocksucker I'm sober and allways will be).

Got home, in bed by 5:30 for some reason now that i was in bed 100% fucking awake. Got up at 7, rolled over until 8. Showered, dressed, grabed food, drove Condom home (doing much better, head still hurt but that obvious wasn't going away) and came to work. On mother fucking time.

Boo yeah.

I'm on my 3rd cup of cold coffee.. I think It was made yesterday and just left there, but fucked if I care.