Saturday, October 27, 2007

I just feel... really down. I feel like I'm about to cry and honestly there's no real reason. I just feel extremely alone.
And I can't seem to remember the simple portions of my math and I just wanted to get some fucking work done so this week isn't as miserable as the last few... but I just can't.. It's like even when I try, I always come up short.

I feel as if all I need are a few examples to look at or something and it will all click, but it's so frustrating to not be able to find anything that explains this shit. No centers will be open until Monday, and my questions are stupid clarifications. Why do I feel so hollow? Like some huge laughing stock failure.

I also looked through some photos from the gathering and my last party, now not only am I missing things I've lost for good, but things I'm simply missing now. I miss my friends. All of them. And I want my crush to fade. I seem to want a lot all of a sudden..

What the fuck is going on?

I feel so out of wack with everything, I'm getting angry over things. My room stresses me the fuck out. sigh maybe I should take a page from adam's book and just look up appartments and think about how much better next year will be. But then I start to think about what if it isn't? you know? i mean how many years did I spend thinking how much better it would be once I got back here?

I'm here now? and.... well you know the just of it. I mean what if it doesn't help. What if even with a nice space, human contact, real food, what if I still can't make it. Or worst what if we can't afford it? I mean adam and I together is still a pretty penny, it's doubtful either aaron or john will leave rez. And I'm fairly certain Adam isn't to comfortable about the whole non-aaron or john roomate.

I mean sure now, my parents are willing to give me the cash I need for it. But who knows with them, this is probably a fleeting whim. Or worst maybe adam's going to decide he doesn't want me around, then how fucked would I be.

Then again, maybe I'm just being the huge pessimist i always am and everything will turn out fine.

Friday, October 26, 2007

What the fuck is it that makes me such a bitch , just for having the nerve to stand up for myself?

Seriously? What the fuck is with you people? And I know I am just fucking pissed off right now, and this is a rant. Vengeance in written verse, pent up rage but honestly Fuck the three of your. I am so sick of this shit! First you have JM go off on me, when I really fucking needed it. Put me down for my faults, and how I'm struggling. Getting pissed that I didn't have a huge head start on my homework, well fuck you I have other classes and commitments. Not to mention I'm sure the three of you realy suffered without one night of your fucking tv. How many times have I been ready or wanting to watch and we had to wait for YOUR fucking shit. What my commitments are somehow less valid? Oh I see, I don't need to do home work if it competes with your precious whims. But you can game, or study till your hearts content and fuck me if I should make a peep. Then you wait for me outside class, make sure all resolved, that she's docilated. Won't cause a scene.

Well i have news I didn;t even want your fucking help. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just making a bad name for myself, because the lot of you have moved on. So the issues closed, right? Well fuck it. It wasn;t your issue to close, I'm certain the incident caused no shed tears on your end. And another thing why the fuck do you even bother to wait for me or have me over if you just intend to get annoyed make cracks and tell me to shut up. Who the fuck are you three to always but putting me down. Or telling me what to do? When to show up, how many episodes we're to watch? When I can't fucking leave?

I've leave whenever the fuck I want! Besides I was leaving to get homework done, remember the reprehend you sent me on that topic? Fucking pricks. I don't even care that I'm being harsh, so what? Why should I always consider your feelings or everyone else's? Its pretty plain no one thinks about what their saying to me or about me? No one considers how I might take your put downs. You don't have the right to treat me like that, you aren't any better than I am. So shut the fuck up. Pick apart your own flaws. Does it make you feel so big and special to tear and poke at someone else's wounds? Knock them down and kick them where you know it'll hurt? Or do you even bother to put any though into it? Maybe it's just how you feel or let me guess you didn't realize I felt that way? You didn't think I would be hurt? Play dumb?

I may not be as smart as you guys or get the high grades or money for school or mommy and daddy, yeah I don't have the same income and no this isn't a free ride for me and yeah I have to work at it. But I know enough to not buy your dumb, gee i'm sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way, well gosh amanda I had no idea you would be so hurt by our patronizing or putting you down? Well gosh darn boys, I never considered it that way? you're right I'm SORRY for speaking back, I'll just sit down and let you put me down to your hearts content. What's that shut up? oh, ok sorry masters. FUCK YOU.

I mean it really, I'm so sick and tired of feeling so put down only to have you guys, who claim to be my friends treat me like dirt. Telling me what I do and don't get, how slow I am, how I can't leave or was late, or did my homework instead of watch movies with you. I mean christ I haven't eaten all day, but no we can't take a few seconds for me to buy food. No "we" don't need any. Fuck you, what did i just say? I AM HUNGRY. I Haven't eaten all day, I want food. But of course that doesn't matter, what's someones health over your enjoyment. Seriously. How can you guys claim to care or be there with a straight face and then pull this shit? Yeah, I may be lashing out, but fuck it I'm tired of being hurt. Because that's what I am, hurt and put down by you guys even when we're all getting along. Always with these sideways jabs. Demands. commandements. I mean it. I have enough issues, problems and things to feel bad and down about. Trust me, I put myself down enough for the lot of us, you don't need to stick your fingers in every wound.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Who are you meme

Hey guys, just for fun. We should all post our screen res, web provider, location (general no specifics) and operating system.

Res: 1280 x 800
Web: Dal Res
Dal Residence or Halifax
Windows Vista (T.T)

Now your turns, oh and anonymous posters add your name! (Dos this means you)

Monday, October 15, 2007


Well I just bombed another midterm, the last one will be chemistry which is one of the hardest but I'll study full time and go to help. Maybe just maybe if I know it all well enough I won't blank out on the test.

Fuck though, I was pretty confident with physics I mean come on I have a sheet FULL of all the info I need, step by step, so why the fuck couldn't I get it? I'm thinking maybe I should have just come down this year, sat in on lectures, bought the books, read and did practice problems off someone else's assignment, then maybe next year I would have been able to take the class and pass without wasting the money.

I have English now, and it's not really enjoyable anymore either. I really liked my prof but just really put me off when I sent her an e-mail inquiring how I could pass in my essay after I went and paid the 4$ to have it printed and going to her office to leave it for her, but the she wasn't there and her office was closed for the week. :sigh:
And I have that big essay coming up which apparently we should already be researching, plus normal assignments and this huge Bio lab after class I still haven't found answers to.

And I haven't eaten, I tried but the food in the cafe was too gross that I just couldn't and I severely lack the funds to go out, not to mention the time. I know it's no big deal and worst case I fail the classes and do it all again next year, but who's to say I can manage it then? I actually knew the materials for the last two exams, I aced the practice questions and then just blanked. I can't take any fewer classes or no loan, which means no money and no schooling. I love sciences, I really really do, heck I like English too. I even like learning and studying, but I can't afford to keep this up if I won't be able to make it pay off latter.

Maybe I should put some serious thoughts into other options, I've just never considered them so I have no idea where to look or start. Maybe I can just do enough activist work and get tossed in to jail every other year to survive. At least that would be enjoyable to do.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

I really hate facebook sometimes, :sigh: what a great way to start the day.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

year after year

You really grow to hate the things which make you weak.
The little blockages your mind puts forth to keep you here, a biological advantage trait I'm sure, but one that frustrates.

You've seen the breaking points and worst felt them in every join, organ and cell.

The subtle irony of it all if the most frustrating thing of all, the weakness and this inert fear of pain, is what keeps you in pain. Year, after year, after year

Because lets face it, you'll never break it.
Never over come it
You'll be here until nature takes it from you in her own, sweet, long, time.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

At least I still have life's little amusements..

Why aren't I in bed? I feel sicky, my head hurts and there isn't much going on.
I'm just sitting awake watching Safer Sex Trade and feeling icky, wishing i had someone to talk to.

My head really hurts, and it keeps happening a lot plus a sore gross feeling in my stomach. But the drunks have left, so thats a plus.

I had hoped to get my life and school work together by staying alone this weekend, instead i just feel a little icky. In reality i'm just realizing how far behind I really am, how behind and lonely.

I really wish i were made of stone and these stupid things wouldn't affect me or bring me down, instead i'm feeling hurt. Debating leaving school, abandoning my dreams, and dreadedly planing out the rest of my days alone.

On the plus side the funniest thought keeps popping into my mind as I try to think of what employment I could earn without any education and keep coming up with street walker or stripper. Then I meet a little person I'd like to call my reflection

Friday, October 5, 2007

Veganism and it's good points

I have nothing else to say about this other then, be warned it's gross.
Mystery Meat Macrophotography
And not vegan.