Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mother Fucker

It's 4 Am in the damn morning, and I haven't gone to sleep.
Nor have I gotten anything done, or been productive in ANY stretch of the word.
I haven't even posted anything of great significance or had much web based social (except a convo with BT which is always awesome).

I haven't packed, or sewn or mailed.
I haven;t even checked my mail.
I leave in two days, I don't even know if I got into chemistry yet.
I cannot sleep because I have too much to do, a new life to get control of, things I need to be on top of.
The school hasn't even begun and I'm already behind, is this maybe a sign I should just drop out now?

I mean seriously I cannot even commit to a TV show or Anime Series... I bought fucking death note and am on episode 3, Ego Proxy hasn't been started and I've fallen way behind in Nana.. not to mentioned the billions of others. I haven't FINISHED a book since school ended.

I don't even have all my stuff back from friends.
Nothing is packed.
What the fuck am I going to do?

Sit here and worry, maybe cry it seems.
Not much else seems to be within my grasp, get away from here out on my own somehow it just doesn't seem like that can last.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Traped indeed

Cubical hell.
It sucks, never ever work in a cubical, ever.
Grant it we have the most open cubicals ever, the only reason for this is so the new Rent-A-Cop can walk about groping his keys and crotch. Struting and making sure were not on the internet. Fork you. My sup, boss and just about everone else doesn't care. In fact the only reason they mention it is because you file complaints, crasshole.

Now the lights are flickering... joy.
It's 10 am now, been here since 6:38am.. off at 3. Can't take much more... need sleep.
Was at Geoff's until 12, insomina when I got home.. so tired.
Have coffee now, things look better.
Ate a cart of strawberries I brought, to tried to pack lunch and Denise's drunk friend ate my left overs.... Mustards.

I'm finding it hard to share my time between here and LJ, I know this one is suposed to be more personal, but frankly no one reads this (almost no one, hi kcam). And LJ/friends want to know what's going on. I'm to lazy to cross post, and I find it redundant. So I'm just going to stick with the whole, i have other blogs, you want links, I'll give you links route.

Sorry for any neglect on either part.

Call centers suck. It's sunday, no one calls... and those that do shouldn't.
I guess it's like any day, god I hate the white noise, and background noise of this place... day like today remind me why I was so excited once steve started days. Contact, social contact and people to talk to.. I miss that alot.

LJ has a bunch of shit on my friend issues at the moment, so I save Kcam from reading it twice. I just feel all around shity, and don't know how to fix things.


Over a year latter and I'm still wondering how all these peices ever fit together into a happier version of myself.

Monday, August 13, 2007

The clock ticks on and the mind wanders

I'm still at work.. stuck here for a full hour after I should be.
Lack of rides etc, but I'm ok with it. Because here I have internet, and that helps keep me sane, or at least with mild human contact.
I don't want to go back to that shack.
I feel odd, as if I'm stuck in limbo.
I cannot wait to have my pc back, and I really wish I could afford to get a decent camera now, because I've rediscovered my love for photography but find myself perpetually disappointed with my P.O.S.

I think I'm in a funk, or maybe just a time of turmoil?
I guess I still haven't fully recovered from last year, it's like the return of the funk or something. It's hard to move past losing so many close friends and it just draws on.

Really though the gathering helped a lot, but it's hard when that's over and the uplift is gone. I start to wonder if it was all a dream, or simply luck.. or a one time event. Most of all I fear my repetative pattern begin to take hold, and I would hate to lose the new friends I have. I fear that having made them real with speed up the inevitable, them leaving me. And mostly I'm just realizing how truly fucked up my mental state is, and how I still have all those self esteem issues I try to hide.

I'm scared, pathetic and alone. The first one is new, well maybe I've always been scared just never realized, admitted or showed it. But I don't like it.

I feel weak, when I should be strong.
Empowered and helpless, I'm inspired to do so much and afraid to try.
I've never been afraid of trying before, and rejection (or hypothetical rejection) has never held me back.. I'm afraid that it's starting to and slowly I'll become someone I'm not and someone I don't want to be.

I feel really alone, and I don't like it.. it just keeps getting harder to deny the fact. Harder to hold onto/forget the past, I move on with new people, new friends, groups make the same close connections (or almost as close) and it seems fake, too good to be true. Most of all too good for me.

Funny how little words your parent spoke so many years ago still hold true and consume the little girl as she becomes a woman.

That girl you don't see her round no more

I'm running on no sleep, no coffee, no water and no food.
i am under hydrated, undercaffinate, underslept.
I think my insomnia is coming back, yesterday was one of the best days since returning from the magic that was the gathering, I remeber I was actually happy when the lights went off and my head hit the pillow, but it is allways during those crucial times when the mind wanders before sleep that we are most vulnerable.

After these 19 years of being strong, maybe even hard, needing no one or anything and getting buy. 19 years of strength, I felt every last inch of it dwindle and die last night. I thought of all the good times last week, and the good times of my past, my friends who meant more than the world, more than family and blood. I remebered where they all are now, who do I tell my secrets too? The people I confided in, talked to, god we talked about everything, their all gone. And then the emptiness set in. How these last few weeks with family are taking an extra years worth of toll, divorce, fighting, immaturity, yelling. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually growing apart from them as well, funny I didn't realize there was anything to grow apart from with them. I can't talk to them, or lean on them.

And I felt really alone. Dispite the people I just left, for some reason we never reached the point where we can talk about anything, or rather where I can talk about anything. Seems to be the one thing about me, anyone can tell me anything.. I like that. What I don't like, is how I no longer have that support group that I can have the same feeling of support, guidance maybe. I suppose there's the PPK, and I love them all, truely. It's just... I don't think I've ever been able to truely feel the miles between people, as I can with them.

Grade 9-10 the old group, the table, those are times I truely and sorely miss. But even if I seek out the memebers of my past, I know what was there is dead, and I lack the medical and social knowledge to bring it back. I thinkt hat maybe i'm not good enough, to have them, or anyone. Friends in general. And it's back to childhood and inadequencies, something I guess I never really got over.

But i'm degressing, this is supposed to be a retelling of everything I felt and thought last night, in those hours of sleeplessness, when I willed myself to remeber, to stay in bed away from the paper, remeber and write tomorow, sleep now. But sleep never really came.

I felt cold, and alone. In this new house's lack of warm, maybe I hope the memories would stay within the wooden cofines of the house in which they happened, the first kisses, the sleep overs, confessions, love, video games and friendship. But they didn't. I can't remeber when I started crying, but it happened, strength and will melted into sorrow and weakness. Alone in my new world, with the prospects of leaving forever (finally) exciting adulthood and return to my home town, the city I love. The new life i've wanted ever since I arrived here just weeks away, and this place got to me again. Againts the cold walls of my new bed room my sides shook with tears and sobs, feeling alone as I ever had in this place. Wiping the water from my cheeks, thinking about how pathetic is was to be here, to lose out now when i'm so close. To actually maybe even fear my new life? That maybe it's not the awnser, maybe things won't get better, maybe it's just me.

I wonder if selfesteme is something i'll ever truely master, last week was a great boost in moral, mood, life and self worth. But then the reality of all i've lost, and thoughts of when that too will be lost came crashing in. Pathetic.
Worst still are thoughts of intimacy, gosh, how long has it been? Sure there are needs, wants, desires, lust even. But the thought of those needs ever being met again seems slim, perhaps the hormones or lust itself drove these crazy thoughts. I honestly sat and wondered, willed myself to remeber, how was it done, what happened? Sure the basic biology is a given, the feelings or sensations are vividly recalls, but I can't picture it. Or really even ever picture how it would be done again. Can you forget how to do it? Can you ever re-learn, or are you doomed to celibacy. A scary thought. Thinking back to it all I couldn't remeber anything positive, just his hands on me, violation and the memories of what happend with that chapter. I tried to stop it all, not to think to remeber to envision, but it all came back. And I couldn't get his hands off me, his touch lingered, his lies everything felt as if it were infecting me, making me ill, tainted. I felt gross, worst of all I felt weak. The mere memories or vague flashes, and all i could envision was myself with him and feel disgust and sorrow.

I cryed harder, and wondered where all my years of strength had gone. Where she was, or anyone, all the people I had once confided the world in. The people who kept me going, and the bonds we were so sure would last forever. I sobed until it was morning, lay down my head and thought of all the great friendships and people and what had become of us all.