"You don't want to go down there"

I already made a post on LJ, you can find it in the above link. Since this is a little more private and personal (i.e. most people don't bother to read this).

I just keep googling and searching for information on it. Animal rights groups, people who know or care or anything... I just can't function right now. I don't know why. I have seen unimaginable cruelty that has been captured and brought into the light, I know the facts... but I'm so shaken. I just keep going back to how cold the steal was, how sharp and how real everything is.

And then comes all the hate, searching dal and animal rights or dals site and you come across so much of it, it makes me so sick and sad. "I've said it once, and I will say it again. Animal Rights Activists are crazy" accusal slander and everything, every which way. Hippy freaks, softies, and what have you. I've always been alienated but this stuff just gets to me, I don't know if I can find anyone to talk to about how I feel... it seems like even AR people or my online friends would scoff at the reaction i'm having. I knew all major universities, I knew dal was a major university, but i've lived her for months.... i've been to the labs.. there just wasn't anything there.. no room for the animals. It just couldn't be happening hear. But it.

And whats worst event he people who care about animals, don't seem to mind. Fuck, I don't know what i'm trying to say and I don't know how to articulate what I feel or what I feel. Its just shock. Sick, vile ill feelings mixed with confusion and loneliness. I can't just sit back, but the though of it paralyzes me. What can I do how can I help? Am I strong enough to volunteer there? To check things out? Can I handle that? would I even make the cut if I tried?

Can I protest? Would anyone care? Would i be more alienated and alone? does that even matter? Is a protest enough? Can I sit and write letters knowing how down the hall or downstairs its happening? I have a chemistry exam tomorrow that i'm probably not ready for but i can't even think or function or sleep. I need sleep.. but it's just so awful.

There is just so much hatred. Hatred for all the people who stand up for animals or who care, how do you face that?

I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I really feel more alone then ever. I don't know what any of this means.. but i'm going to stop writing.

I just feel... really down. I feel like I'm about to cry and honestly there's no real reason. I just feel extremely alone.
And I can't seem to remember the simple portions of my math and I just wanted to get some fucking work done so this week isn't as miserable as the last few... but I just can't.. It's like even when I try, I always come up short.

I feel as if all I need are a few examples to look at or something and it will all click, but it's so frustrating to not be able to find anything that explains this shit. No centers will be open until Monday, and my questions are stupid clarifications. Why do I feel so hollow? Like some huge laughing stock failure.

I also looked through some photos from the gathering and my last party, now not only am I missing things I've lost for good, but things I'm simply missing now. I miss my friends. All of them. And I want my crush to fade. I seem to want a lot all of a sudden..

At least I still have life's little amusements..

Why aren't I in bed? I feel sicky, my head hurts and there isn't much going on.
I'm just sitting awake watching Safer Sex Trade and feeling icky, wishing i had someone to talk to.

My head really hurts, and it keeps happening a lot plus a sore gross feeling in my stomach. But the drunks have left, so thats a plus.

I had hoped to get my life and school work together by staying alone this weekend, instead i just feel a little icky. In reality i'm just realizing how far behind I really am, how behind and lonely.

I really wish i were made of stone and these stupid things wouldn't affect me or bring me down, instead i'm feeling hurt. Debating leaving school, abandoning my dreams, and dreadedly planing out the rest of my days alone.

On the plus side the funniest thought keeps popping into my mind as I try to think of what employment I could earn without any education and keep coming up with street walker or stripper. Then I meet a little person I'd like to call my reflection

What a surprise

I'm alone and feeling stupid and sad again. I'm also facing the fact that whatever friendship/support there was with ben is obviously gone or maybe was always just some vain kind of hope.

I really don't get how people have so many connections and friends here. I certainly don't get how I once had that, or how it could have ever been so easy.. does anyone remember the secrete?
Those past days of always having someone to bail out, someone to help out, someone to lift up and someone there to do you the same.

Really, when your stomach feels this familiar kind of sick, who do you have to call?
And who would you lean on?

What friendly voice can I hope for on the other end of the telephone?
I really feel like crying, but what good would it do?

Watch her courage drip away, she won't post this on facebook.

You know I really hate it.
I've never been pretty, i know it and I'm fine with it. I'll probably never be pretty either, but It doesn't matter if I couldn't be pretty i settled for smart. The better trade off anyway.
So I worked hard and tried a lot, and made out with decent grades most of the time, I lacked the ease and grace of those around me. but I made enough outta myself to overcome my looks and numerous faults.

But i guess that all ends now. I'm getting my ass handed to me day in and day out by the reviews, the tings I'm supposed to already know in order to be here. I'm behind, confused and lost. I just cannot get a damn thing right, and it's leaving the bitter taste and impression that like I've always told myself, I'm not good enough. and i don't deserve to be here, so there it is my life's savings and work all amounting up into my failure at university.

I get it, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. I've lost it. The materials I used to glide through with ease are now impossible for me to grasp. My lifetime of savings and earnings barely dents my tuition and my debt grows by the second. I spent hours going over the same concepts, getting it doing the work and coming up with the wrong figures.

I feel stupid and pathetic getting John and Aaron to go over the same questions again and again, still getting less than my ideals. I was never pretty, but I was strong, tough, smart and capable.
Worst part is, and I see it now Ricky the lousy wretch that he turned out to be or maybe was, was a true blessing for me. And I was fucking lucky to get the scraps i got from him. One things for sure, he's the last. Nice of him to take me with my looks.

People don't date people like me, i was lucky for what little i got. Don't get me wrong, I by no means want him back and I can certainly see how defective he was too, his faults and imperfections. But real girls are thin, pretty, and nothing like me. I'm built wrong.

I don't miss him, but i can now appreciate how charitable he was for that short time, and thank him for his sacrifice.

Right now i just feel so horrible overwhelm and helpless. I'm cursing my inability and stupidity, and honestly just want to lay down against someone else and have the reassuring grip on something solid and real. Someones support and love that can be felt and brace myself against it, I want to lay down in someones embrace and be comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. Because as i walk these halls alone with my failures and lay here in the silence weeping, I can't help but start to see all my own very valid points. i am alone and a failure, and i probably won't ever succeed.

Heck, I can't even get this room cleaned, this laptop and pc running smoothly or a blog entry with proper syntax and not so many "ands".

Saying out loud really doesn't make it feel better.

I feel really stupid, weak and alone.
And I just want to crawl into bed and cry or into someones arms and just stay there.

I just have this overwhelming sense of inner cold. I feel utterly empty and just wretched.
It's as if my self worth, power, determination and everything that made me myself is gone.
And I am weak and scared.
Mostly afraid that for once I am afraid and afraid over what I may do to get something anything to make things seem better.

I feel a bad path approaching and some dumb choices.

When you need the worst kinds of comfort, where do you go to get it? And how badly will you be burned?

Some things just don't change

Nothing like a happy couple to make you feel like shiitake. Even better when their love chatting it up with their goodbye, come back for another housr, good night, return again. Loving bull shit.
Wow does this post sound bitter? Yup. I probobly don't really mind, it's just the hour and the realization that it has been over a year since i've had sex.. or play of any major kind. How depressing, I know I laugh and say i'll be alone forever but I was hoping that would be interupted so when I die with 50 cats people can say remeber the time she was with him/her.

And now there is someone from the net taking nude photos for me, yup I am officially a loser. More so than before. I can't web flirt, what am I doing... god I just feel like sleeping until 10 years from now.
I'm just down about alot of things I don't want to post here at the moment, well because their soo stupid I cannot even bring myself to type them. I haven't started my homework, I had the big game plan to over achieve the shit outta stuff to make up for my lack of friends and what do I do? Waste my time writing to no one. Heck there aren't even new PPK posts or much going on there.

I'm finally here in the city of my dreams, my city and I still feel like quiting.

Now to lighten the mood and because I actually think this list is funny

REPOSTED

Reasons Why I will Never have Sex Again.

9/6/07 12:55 am

21. Age
I'm at the age where males my age want younger woman and men older than myself are looking for long term mates, which they cannot see in a younger female of my age.
20. Halifax.
Is in the Maritimes, and no one comes to the Maritimes.. for anything.
19. Talking.
I would probably have to meet and talk to someone first, that is generally how this sex thing works right?
18. I have a roommate.
And therefore lack an area to perform sex in
17. General Lack of Physical Appeal
I am wide. Widely built, I have broad shoulders and am short. My bones are thick, hips are wide etc. Even my face looks too wide.
16. I am Short
Guys don't like/date or fuck short girls.
15. I am Weird.
It is really a miracle people even talk to me let alone desire to mate with me.
14. Small boobs
Ok, I know the bras say 38Cs, but well they are wrong. I have seen C's and these are not them.
13. Fat
I've got it and I'm to lazy to get ride of it, assuming it's possible.
12. Picky
I can be picky, and like to know people before I do anything...
11.Feminism/ I'm a Feminist
Most Guys don't like that, But I'm not going to forking change it.
10. I'm Stubborn
Everyone hates stubborness..
9. My inability to flirt.
I can't do it, and I have no idea how to go about such an endeavor if I where to ever find someone local to engage in it with. Or maybe I just don't think I can flirt ...
8. I'm too poor to but it/pay for it7. Veganism.
At least 70% of people are too busy trying to think up "People Eating Tasty Animals" jokes to ever consider sexing me.
6. The internet.
I spent way too much time on it, and reality/sex doesn't happen here.
5. They don't offer classes on flirting/sex/dating
Well not how to classes anyway, so I'd never get very far.
4. I think people will laugh at me.
Seriously.
3. I don't get crushes or feelings that would lead me to actively persue another being/Or they (Ok, the) doesn't work out.
Apparently, What I have now is known as one of those for mentioned crush things (not that I would know, I had it diagnosited by a friend). However, it sucks because I feel funny all the time and it wont work out due to distance, geography, age and it's one sided nature.
2. Inability To recognize Advances or Interests even if they should present themselves.
Those who know me, know how dense I am when it involves romance/flirting/advances and general interpersonal things that could lead to sex.
1. I am fairly sure I've forgotten how.

Why am I still awake?


Why is it I'm always feeling so down, so stupid and so alone.

It only gets harder..

I really can't stand how awful this last month (and a bit) is being. I really don't feel like getting in the morning, I have an awful drive into work with Denise, it seems she's either talking about how exciting next year will be or overly mushy/sad about me leaving, or she's yelling at me and being mean/angry. Most often it's the old one,two, two, one, two, two. Fun times.

I know she's stressed and I know the divorce is fucking with everyones head, she's moving into that shack near the middle of august. THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST and she wants everything packed. I go to Oregon next week, I need my shit to pack, I also need to get my PC set up again, which requires work, time and yes, MY STUFF! She gets emotional about me leaving, hugs me and says how much she'll miss me and she wants me to have my stuff packed now. I DON"T LEAVE UNTIL SEPT 2nd! The stuff I'm taking to Dal is my most essential I use these everyday, items.

Not to mention how damn small this shack is, but w/e I'm not really living there and I'll leave my stuff with Dad. I have a feeling she'd try to through it out. If she was mad about my room being messy, because it really is. I know that, it's just I work all day and when I get home I want to try and catch up on stuff or just sleep. I don't even eat meals anymore, my eyes are baggy and I am always tired.

I just feel so fucking worn out, and alone really. I don't see or hear from anyway, and I always feel like a bother if I try to contact them. Or I do see them, and I don't feel like I'm wanted or welcome or It just feels odd.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing about anymore, I just really want to get my PC up and running, then work out something with Denise I guess. start eating and such.

I haven't posted in a while

What can I say, I'm slack, fustrated and nothing works at my house.
I'm really finding these last few months at home to be getting worst.
I mean my dad, was actually mad and calling denise names in the car, talking about dancing on her grave and stuff. I know it's only because he's mad etc, but he won't tell me why, denise does the same.
Hey, let's talk about how awful the other is to my kid, but oh she wants to know why. "it's ok sweeties it doesn't matter, you don't need to hear it." THEN SHUT YOU FACE! Don't go on about the other being a bitch/bastard bad person w/e and not tell me why your mad, fuck right off.

I went to see my fucking grandmother, and she asked me to ask my mother to be nicer to my father.

Stop being so immature guys, your SENIORS! Act like it!


***********************************************
I'm going to move away from that topic because it's boring and annoying.
I also have to work until 9, which means once again no ride home. I hate allways being told i'll be picked up and calling to find out, nope sorry I went out/sailing/don't feel like it.

Steve isn't in today, John and Allan went home early AND Laura and justin are off.. so i am bored and all alone. Sam is in, but I really don't think she likes me anymore and liz keeps to herself. I'm even sitting in this row alone!?!?! -_-
800+ people and these 30 seats around me are 100% empty, there isn't even someone way down on the end.

Gah i'm getting tense now, back to the ppk

more issues

I have a pressing issue, i need to talk about and solve.
But I don't have anyone to talk to it about, which in itself is a piss off.
I posted about it, but not here.
It's related to a bothersome topic for me.
Fuck, I really wish I could think of someone who would be good for this, imparsial and not judgemental.

Sadly enough the only person coming to mind is Prepboy, less than reliable.. and lude.
Also part of it involves him and me never living something down.. so maybe not.

So God hates the world

and apprently
"It wasn't my choice to do that. "
Nice.
Humanity has hope after all, because they all stand by and watch the slaughter.
Redemption is upon us after fucking all.
Gah, I hate bad moods.
And people.
I hate people.
Perticularly boys.
I hate boys.
How many times have I said that recesently?
T.T

After moments like these, you just can't help but feel pretty darm cold and empty.
Cold and alone.. seeps right in and sits with you, don't it?

Still more on the phone,

I hate the false promises it offers and holds.
The broken words of the ones who were there until the end.
The last of the good boys, the ones you could trust.
The boys who accepted you, the one's you nurtured and helped.
The ones who were in this things for you, and not what you keep between your thights.
Turns out they don't have time for you when things get rought.
But you know that fucker sure as hell will ring when their balls are in a pinch.
Cowards.
Every last one of you.
And I shall fall for it no more.

Hung by a phone cord

God I really hate the telephone.
I mean really, really dispise it.
It's offers of false hope and it's taunting curve.
Right now I find myself staring at it through tear blurred eyes, wanting to pick it up, to call someone. Anyone... to not feel so shity and alone.
But honestly, who the hell do I have to call?
To depend on?
I'm one of the boys. No more real girlfriends, well Kcam she has soccer and I don't want to push my luck, i'd frankly be pretty lost without her.
Yes, sir. Just one of the good old boys.

To bad the selfish bastards never bothered to let you know;
Once puberty hits.
You're one of them no more.
You have to either fuck them or get outta there.
You can have no real friends.

Thanks for choosing to rub it in, fuckers.

Coping onlt minorly

ok so basically yesterday was yet another bad day in the sea of awful days.
Only worsten a bit.
Because now, i'm going to say it's pretty much final, i'm boned and have no one left.
I made a huge post on LJ after wards, right when Adam S and Kcam droped me off here.
After a terrible akward and silent car ride :sigh:. Remeber the days when I used to be able to clear up misunderstandings instead of silent cry in the back seat?
Good times.

Thankfull I managed to get it undercontrol long enough to thank them and invite them to sessions and to feel free to come on by for 24 as i'll probobly be home with nothing to do.
:cue closing the door: and then resuming sobing.

I hate allways feeling so damn down and hopeless, just once I want to know i have someone who's there for me and allways will be. And I want to be able to suck things up and not allways breakdown in tears. I've been crying everday since elementary, everyday I've lived in this damn town and I'm sick and tired of it.

Moral of the story, post, cry, pull covers over you head and lay and cry there until sleep insues.
I went to bed at 4 yesterday and slept until 7 this morning.. i still feel tired and shitty.
But i'm going to have to shower, get dressed and pretend to be happy once again to go to sessions.

Maybe dos is right and I do need to go on meds.
But even typing that brings back the sobing.
I'm just gonna shower before I wake up my mom again
I know how much she hates getting woken up by my crying

Hurry

someone say something distracting/funny, anything to make me feel better.
Last period, debate group with rob and crew,not fun. Lots of gross sexual meanings and bitch ass school girl gossip and male chest pumping. -_-

Then cue Lee end of period dissing his ex. I think gross was the word used. Real nice man, the girl with whom you shared that adolescence experience. I'm no fool, I know its not magical or for true loves..but one month you give away your self to someone and the next month that someone who equally gave themselves to you, your quote on quote "first" is gross? Fat?ugly? Does this really make you feel any better?
Pricks.
God damn it, I was ready to start breaking things.
Then who breeze's by me, Karen and Nick. Arm in Arm, neither notice me nor the hello until I'm long past. It's taking all my will right now not to start punching things. God I want to.
Settled for a few quick kicks to some paper stacks and lockers.
Hardly satisfying.
I tried, I did.. for someone to difuse me. But no one's around.
I don't know, I just want a shoulder to lean into or those necks to break.
I don't feel good, and I feel worst feeling it alone.