Sunday, April 29, 2007
I know I don't really believe in you and shit and your followers tend to be pricks alot of the time, and I rag on them.
But dude, I totally do not deserve to go to hell.
I mean I know that whole deal with the and on the 7th day thou shall rest, and man I'm cool with that. I mean, I'm here at working trying my hardest to get in for resting for you big guy.
But man, call off your people.. I mean they just keep calling.
I'm trying out this whole sabath deal, but the phones keep ringing.
So God, please help me out with your comandments and get your people to rest it up, so I can to my part to save my soul
I don't know why, I don't wanna pry and try and find out while messing shit up in the process.
So I just accept and enjoy the fact.
In other hardcore news, went to Graeme's metal show. Small turn out but it was still sweet getting to be so close to the bands and having everyone walk out. (Eye candy allways a plus too).
Kcam was there, although she hates metal it was nice to see her and hang out.. I'm sure she enjoyed some of it like watching prepboy in the mosh pit :P and joking with Christian and Graham M. Condom was there and creature showed up too, Dos, amy even Adam W was there (Hilarious btw). Good time all around, the bands were great. Rebeca's grave rocked (shirtless lead never hurts either), it was cool because I was siting back with Kcam as she didn't like the mosh scene, on the table rocking out (ok.. really just looking lame). And the guitar who I was talking to before the set came up to play for us, mid rift really sweet he came up and basically stood right over my knee and played for us. Which I think is perticulalry cool as we were pretty far off to the side lines. Little extra effort, it was nice to see.. and you know fucking awesome to have someone tearing a rift in fucing licking distance. Axe+hot guitarist in your face= awesome.
highlights inculde Prepboy moshing, which was hilarious and awesome and adorable.
He also came up behind me and shoved me forward then grabed my shoulders and pulled me back, which confused me because Gwyn had been standing right behind me and I had no clue what she was doing. Oh yea, Gwyn showed up too, and SHE headbanged for me (Donnie, Amy, Kcam and Christian all wouldn't T.T). So gwyn and I stuck it out, the last band really had no one but Rebecca's Grave got into the mosh pit which was awesome.. and I swear their other guitarist is like related to nigel.. spooky resemblance.. only you know long sexy metal hair and smaller.
All was cool, and good. Condom left early because once creatuyre showed up he thought it would be cool to drive off a table and deliver a flying elbow to Condom's temple. So he was pretty shaken.
Gwyn and I hung around, spoke to some bands and took all the recycleables and shit. Went home, turns out she couldn't spend the night which sucked but we were gonna watch a movie. Then got an IM from Condom, he was in bad shape confused, alone and shit. Dizzy, he wasn't doing well. So we went to get him, he was a bit delierous, rambling, twitching and just general shifty shit. So we drove him to the afterhours clinic (he didn't wanna go so we lied and said we had to get something from school, he didn't really know what was going on anyway).
Kept saying not to let him fall asleep because he didn't wanna go into a coma. Turns out the fucking after hours place closes at 8pm (WTF?!?). So back to my house we went, he was still not doing good. Worried I called my neighbors/doctors at like 11pm >.< she said she couldn't diagnoist over the phone BUT If he was not himself/confused dizzy etc he need to go to emerge.
So.. Gwyn who had to be home at 12am (cue 11:30 when we desided no risks, in we go).
Took 40$ from my mom, and headed in. Best part of the evening the parking lot have the damn stick thing partway down, but cue gwyns kick ass tiny car we drove right under it, the back got a bit bumped but it was awesome. So basically I filled out forms, got what info I could from condom and we sat and waited. Gwyn stayed until around 12, after he'd gone in to see the nurse and had to wait until they called him to go see the doc/x-ray or w/e. She peeled, 20 mins later her mom calls the cell I say she's on her way. Cue waiting until fucking 3AM!!! Before we get into see a damn doctor. Well 3am until we got into the doctors room, another 30+ mins until a DOCTOR came in. Fucking Saint John Emerge. Anyways, turns out by that time Condom was pretty coherent and we just needed to see if he could go to sleep or not.
The doctor came in, confirmed he had a concussion and was glad I would be supervising him all night. Informed that if any vomiting or comfusion/bleeding occured to come back in. He didn't think there was any bleeding in the brain, so that was good and he opted out of the scan because the radiation could be harmfull and Condom seemed to be on the mends.
Doctor time 20 mins.
Called a cab (33$ Fucking dollars, rip off bastards).
Waited until practially 5, the cabby asked for cash up front gave him 40$ he said he'd give us changed when we got there -_- and then took the long way to my place and needed directions.
Then he asked me what he owed me (I admit it I looked fucking shady as all hell, but you can't rip me off cocksucker I'm sober and allways will be).
Got home, in bed by 5:30 for some reason now that i was in bed 100% fucking awake. Got up at 7, rolled over until 8. Showered, dressed, grabed food, drove Condom home (doing much better, head still hurt but that obvious wasn't going away) and came to work. On mother fucking time.
I'm on my 3rd cup of cold coffee.. I think It was made yesterday and just left there, but fucked if I care.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Only worsten a bit.
Because now, i'm going to say it's pretty much final, i'm boned and have no one left.
I made a huge post on LJ after wards, right when Adam S and Kcam droped me off here.
After a terrible akward and silent car ride :sigh:. Remeber the days when I used to be able to clear up misunderstandings instead of silent cry in the back seat?
Thankfull I managed to get it undercontrol long enough to thank them and invite them to sessions and to feel free to come on by for 24 as i'll probobly be home with nothing to do.
:cue closing the door: and then resuming sobing.
I hate allways feeling so damn down and hopeless, just once I want to know i have someone who's there for me and allways will be. And I want to be able to suck things up and not allways breakdown in tears. I've been crying everday since elementary, everyday I've lived in this damn town and I'm sick and tired of it.
Moral of the story, post, cry, pull covers over you head and lay and cry there until sleep insues.
I went to bed at 4 yesterday and slept until 7 this morning.. i still feel tired and shitty.
But i'm going to have to shower, get dressed and pretend to be happy once again to go to sessions.
Maybe dos is right and I do need to go on meds.
But even typing that brings back the sobing.
I'm just gonna shower before I wake up my mom again
I know how much she hates getting woken up by my crying
Thursday, April 26, 2007
It's nearly finished but it's looking really small right about now.
God please don't let me of fucked this up too.
I think I would cry again.
Even sugar can't save me now.
Today was yet another perticularly tidious day, Check LJ for the real update.
3 Blogs is alot and I don't feel like giving this one it's own.
I got alot to do for school, I should eat.
I called Dal again, apprently got a Student Pin in my Dal e-mail address.
To bad my net id is not working -_-
Rawr.. ever have one of those day were you plan so much and things you never dreamed of fall throught?
I hate how one bad thing can throw everything out of loop and then everything else shifts slightly to the negative side and it's enough to throw you back down again.
Seriously, I'm at the point were I know if it weren't for my allready bad mood half the things that are messing me up now wouldn't matter half as much.
Ok.. back to work.
I am really not having a good few days.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Last period, debate group with rob and crew,not fun. Lots of gross sexual meanings and bitch ass school girl gossip and male chest pumping. -_-
Then cue Lee end of period dissing his ex. I think gross was the word used. Real nice man, the girl with whom you shared that adolescence experience. I'm no fool, I know its not magical or for true loves..but one month you give away your self to someone and the next month that someone who equally gave themselves to you, your quote on quote "first" is gross? Fat?ugly? Does this really make you feel any better?
God damn it, I was ready to start breaking things.
Then who breeze's by me, Karen and Nick. Arm in Arm, neither notice me nor the hello until I'm long past. It's taking all my will right now not to start punching things. God I want to.
Settled for a few quick kicks to some paper stacks and lockers.
I tried, I did.. for someone to difuse me. But no one's around.
I don't know, I just want a shoulder to lean into or those necks to break.
I don't feel good, and I feel worst feeling it alone.
fuck it, I can't hide from it in that damned dingy gymnasium as the hot salt pours down my face.
I get it, I was wrong. I can't stop caring, I can't protect myself. The tears keep falling and I see them siting there, laughing, joking and I just want to get up and kick them both square in the face.
For their insolence
For all this pain
How little they do care, about anything.
I do care, in fact I care a damn lot. I care when they leave, in their drunken stumble, keys torn from my hands and I'm left again, alone and cold. The feeling is overwhelming as the screen cries tears of mothers and sons, M.A.D.D. Drunk driving: No one wins.
There I sit in the herd as alone as ever. Keep watching ... keep remembering.
Those cold nights.
You glare at their chuckling backs. They don't care, or even speak to you. Yet none of this changes how you feel about them.
Nothing changes the heart ache felt if they were gone. He acts as if he hates you, maybe he does, ignores and mistreats you even hurts you, but thoughts of them laying dead still plague you.
Waking up in cold sweats with blood soaked hands. Wake up again, colder than before.
Night after night you see the two you love leave. Pull out of the driveway and burn rubber as your left crying inside.
You're never there when it happens and you never will be. You don't drink, or even drive, your not with them, but you still see.
The car engulfed in flames, their blood and the crumbling metal. The glass, blood soaked and holing strong against their struggling screams.
Their trapped as they burn, your siting at home.
You will never ever be there to pound your bloody hands in vain against the burning glass. Your skin will never bubble as it slides off the molted handles in vain as you try to open the car doors.
But there in your dreams, your hands burn and bleed every night, you never succeed. You just keep beating your blood soaked hands against that damned glass. You watch them scream. Some nights the glass breaks, and you grab the hot shards with your hands, desperately pulling them away. You bleed and reach for them, flames engulf you arms, burning them. You never save them, they continue to burn. Once you managed to get hold of him, free his corpse from the mess, and the other burned while you did. Both die, each night.
And at home you weep, because you know you'll never get the chance to burn your hands.
You wake up each day knowing that the day the dreams become reality, the day those you love burn alive, you will be sitting as you are in your dreams, alone at home, crying. The cop will come to your door and tell you it's much too late and you will weep.
And every day will be spent forever wishing you'd been given the chance to burn your hands.
But you were at home,
Knowing you weren't there when it happened, no last chance to help them, and knowing worst of all that they were there because of you.
I can't even begin to describe the anger felt as all the memories of all those nights they pulled away. The nights he yelled at you, demanding his keys. Those nights when he was "fine to drive". And worst of all, all those same nights you caved.
All those nights you got yelled at, scorned, cursed, abandoned and your cried. All damage done.
AND STILL YOU LET THEM LEAVE.
So in the assembly you sit, silent, alone and crying. As guilty as the rest who laugh and joke, only your not laughing. You sit and silently hope that something will click, that they will see all the pain, and it will matter to them. And they'll stop, they'll be safe.
You love, but your alone. You can't think of why you care, but your overwhelmed with the fact that you do. Love that's choking you. You can't stop and it hurts. God damn it you love them both so much, they'll never know, it hurts. You feel alone. Y0u care and it gets you no where, nothing in return, they just ignore you but you don't learn.
Is this what love is? to be hurt?
To have your heart riped out with every breathe. To give everything on a daily basis, the absolute power over you, the power to hurt you? Do they really know they hold your heart?
Is love to stand still and silent while they fake full advantage.
to care all the while, to cry. To worry to the point of annoyance. Wake up in the cold sweats and be ignored the next day in the hallway. To give your all and protect them, despite how much they anger you at times.
They never asked for your affection, perhaps they don't want you love. But you can't stop it? Is that how it all works? Is love to be resentful and hateful of how they hurt you? How you care so much for them, and they care nothing for themselves?
Honestly,I'm not sure ... but I do agree with one thing love is.
the funeral of hearts.
To love is to open your heart up to be destroyed.
To kill it and bury it, at the hands of those you love.
Because it hurts you and you can't escape it, you don't want it,
but it's there. Yielding to no one, no reason nor logic. It exists where and when it's unwanted, undeserved and enjoyed. You have no control over when, who, where or anything else.
In the end it will kill you and rip out your heart every time.
It is to be vulnerable.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The Cult you’re in points out the cookie cutter lives that western society has adopted, early on the idea of capitalism and profit are embedded into our minds. All to quickly we abandon the fire fighter and police officer hero dreams once a well meaning elder informs us that these kinds of life saving antics don’t pay off well and we’d be better off behind a desk. Adopted then are the dreams of one day owning a business, making deals, lawyers and doctors. We all strive for that dream home, two child family, white picket fence, big screen TV and the ever elusive second porch.
These are the mass produced and marketed dreams we’re fed before our imaginations have been given a chance to grow. Before we start school we’re read books about theses happy families, watch movies about troublesome suburban kids who mess up their parent’s paper work before the charming family moment, our dreams are sold and marketed to us, on eye level next to the sugary cartoon cereal our mother’s won’t let us buy.
Turn on any TV set and you’ll see the same dream, strived for by every fictional character, make it to the top, earn the big pay checks and make the big purchases. Each night tune in to see the way sitcom family A’s life was better through their struggle for that big screen and celebration for the Christmas bonus. After all money makes the world go round, and if you’re not making money well you simply won’t be very happy, now will you? Our entire culture has been based of this desire for greed, earn more than the next guy, out perform John and Sally, get good grade and go to the good schools, make the big bucks or you’ll die alone. The same ideas and images, recycled and regurgitated with different names, in different white-bred suburbs season after season we’re treated to the same punch lines and scenarios force feeding us the all American dream.
While reading the article one particular image, burned into my memory on constant replay. Of the one moment where the Kodak Gods aligned their Polaroid stars in the single perfect illustration of conformity and consumption about which you’d always joked. It was sometime during grade 10, I’m sure I’ll never forget it, walking into class, late of course, and seeing a field of stripes. The entire class was wearing stripes, teacher included; I remember doing road call in my head, double and triple checking just to be sure. The entire class of twenty some students, had gotten up that morning, in their individual middle class houses sporting different hues of white, each individually selected their clothing from a closet which could fund some starving nation, and arrived at school all sporting stripes (save myself of course, who never seems to belong not even on the subconscious level, or perhaps I’m still not on the talk mail list). Not all stripes were the same mind you, some wore thing, others wide, some were white other’s coloured, a few sported single stripes, some doubled up where others tripled, a few were entirely striped in alternating colours. But that wasn’t the scariest part, sure an entire class wearing the same thing is eerie, however what really shook me was the fact that no one, before my untimely arrival, had noticed. Not one eyelash bashed, as they said their hello’s and exchanged the morning gossip ritual or whatever it was they did in those damned circles in the hallway. Every student took her/his seat, looked around the class and began their chatter. Out of the twenty some students and one teacher no one registered this obvious notion, not a single remark was made until I commented on this phenomenon did the word spread that they were all the same, and even then a slight chuckle and a “well would you look at that” and that was it. Everyone moved on with their lives, as if nothing peculiar had occurred, nothing strange nor wrong. No one cared; no one bothered to think or considered this fact or what it all meant. I remember sitting back in amazement at the lack of concern, when suddenly I came to a most disturbing realization … my underwear were striped, and I knew then that I too was doomed.R
This fact worries me to a degree, as I am normaly a very caring person (probobly too much soo) and base most of my life etc around this fact. Of course I supose my caring also leads to many of my annoying tendencies, so perhaps this is a good thing?
I really don't know.
I'm enjoying it none the less. My guilt is greatly reduced and my soul may be damned, but i'm smiling. Master's hold is gone for good, although I still find myself debating the ethics of calling upon him in times of *ahem* need. But then again, I've never claimed to me a moral person. (Caring yes, moral.. probobly not)
It's just so odd for me, the feelings, emotions and thoughts I had as he cried... me.. I mean my usual thoughts where there, but they seemed silence by this new presences. I want to say she was mean, but maybe she's just logical or self preserving, watchfull or apprehensive maybe. Either way she called the shots right, cued the lean in, the soft strokes, gentle carress and the hang migrating to the leg.
Surpsingly dispite this empowering developement, I still find myself angered by things. The urge to hit things seems to come from no-wheres and thankfully disapear quickly as well. I'm not sure were i'm going anymore.. as a person i mean. I have my entire life "Planed" in a sence, school, location, career etc. But the one thing I allways knew above all else, who I am or was.. thats gone. I find it a little bit amusing how completely upseting and calming this new notion is.
I am alone.
Really, there is no one (if Maybe few) people I can trust or honest call my friends.. and of those people their consistancy or tolerance of me perhaps, changes every day.
I have no friends, no one I can really truely trust.
Certainly no one I can depend on.
And for the most part I don't care.. or don't seem to.
Whats worst.. is I sometimes find myself not caring when I lose someone. Grantit, I guess I know Satan etc aren't really "gone".. but still.
I guess I really don't know what i'm saying, maybe not even how i feel or who i am anymore.
I still care.. but maybe not as much?
More importantly will I ever get it back? and do I want it?
I say I do, I feel I do... but at the same time I do so enjoy this rush of power.
I am in control and none of you can make me unhappy.
Shouldn't I be glad?
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Heck my mind will probobly change within the next hour, but for now.. i'll stay.
It's for the best i think.
Course I also have to vist the school more often this summer ;) <3.
In regards to last night.. it was well.. the past.
But I've come to realize i'm stronger now, more in control, barely but more than before. Things didn't get that bad, although I still found myself wanting them too at times. Damn Id, i guess.
In the end my super ego came out on top and still feeling guilty as allways, but the Id got a little something too. I figured out something odd about myself tho.. for the first time ever.. I've grown possesive of my bed, and sharing it isn't as pleasent as i remeber. Not sure what it was really, but for some reasons alot of the cuddles and attention rolled right off. My knees weren't weakend, my pulse quicken and for once I was thankful for my short fuse.
I'm still struggling with whither to feel empowered by my reactions or disabled. I could have sworn a few times when he embraced me, the toxins pumping through my veins wanted to push his off and walk away. It seems I am in fact free, no longer his easily manipulated slave.. but I'm begining to wonder if I've become cold and unfeeling towards his pain. I don't want to be powerless, but I don't want to be unfeeling either. The idea of pushing someones affection away, or not caring or believing in their pain is foreign to me.. I'd like it to stay that way. But somehow It seems as if my plate has a taste for the distastefull and an appetite for shame.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
"ahh just the two of us would rock, but whatever happens, happens"
I think i'm sufficently fucked now. Course, i could just be expecting things to go bad and finding ways to make it seem like its the case.
Tomorows forcast: shaddy
Awesome food and Jack bauer kicking ass left right and center.
Kcam had to leave early so that put us on hold on disk 2.
I'm outta Veronica Mars.. It's killing me! I need my daily fix damn it!!
Should get some homework done today as i work all tomorow..
Master is coming over tonight, looks like its too late to go back.
Chances are good i'm diving into hades.
Sad part is, i'm not sure i care...
Amanda just said she's not sure she cares... this should be troubling.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Todd bordered on sexual harrasment i'm sure >.>
I was so happy to get home and put on pants. Denise bitching is barely bothering me, I should be doing homework.. but instead i'm here. Gah. Too bored to work or play. whats wrong with me?
Moulin Rouge is playing in the background.. god i really love this movie.
Ok no more posting until something of intrest comes up.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Also I think I'll write up another blog, use it as my happy memoires journal, save the trees and all.
Tonight was a great evening, took my lovely date ladies and we went to see You Ain't Nothing But a Werewolve, and gave adam and aaron standing O's (only the three of us stood and we embarassed kcams lil sis :P). It was a great show and everyone did an awesome job.
Also Adam W, Kcam and I went to sessions which also rocked (thanks to adam s for the ride and lauren for her guest appearence!). We talked about old times, the class, and how everyone used to be. Andrew crying when he lost at gym, Rob grant crying over just about anything.. ahh childhood.
One of those remeber the time when.. kinda convos, it was kinda cool to remeber how close knit everyone is. I mean.. just think that everyone in our highschool were kids we each new in elementary or they knew a friend of a friend, part of the perks and curse package that comes with rothesay I guess. Also kinda sad at the parts were people change, curupt for the worst and all that. None the less a good day all around, heck Prepboy and I talked all french class too.. so it seems everythings on the rise. Except Graeme.. but I guess I have to learn until the PMS wears off theres not much I can do.
The show was great I got kisses (and the marks to proove it) curtisy of T <3. Seen amy, alex, julie,adam, adam,aaron,kerrie,john, alison everyone! It was great! Alot better than we expected, great work allaround. Even tho Aaron and Adam tried their hardest to ditch and ignore us when serving time came, we eventually got out own private show :P. Even managed to throw them off with the sexual tension comments and all. Great time.
Lauren, Kcam, thanks for the awesome evening and great memories.. I really should be doing homework...
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Here's something i've been writing up on the pc about prom.
Being the logical person I am.. I made a list.
heres the file
No one to hang with
No friends going
No money for dress
People who don't really like me
nothing to do
Look bad in dresses
Hair etc cost alot
No friends here (cept maybe kcam, she's not going)
No date.. ok half true i suppose technically i have lots but see the part where no one likes me
I really don't have any friends, as usual i'm being played. I wonder why i asked her who she was going with
Only one prom
I do have an army of dates lined up
Kcam is now going
Adam needs me to buy him his dress :P
I'd like to believe that i do have friends in this town
Does anyone know? Constantly and forever talk to the people you know you shouldn't? Its like there name is just there on the contact list waiting for you to click it, and then you do. You say hey, they actualy respond. and now your fucked.
And the internal bitch takes over, sarcasim left right and center, your saying ever mean thing that comes to mind while asking youself what the fuck your doing? Honestly, I can see myself, inside my head, siting there going wtf is going on? Who's authorizing this shit? Stop saying that? This is a bad idea, don't do it... ok really thats enough back off, stop that.
But it just goes on . . . See if this happened BEFORE they all got pissed, I would 100% understand why they want nothing to do with me. Gawd. It's still going on... Dispite the legitimate reasons for it and the truth hidden under the heavy coat of massive bitch.. I need this to go away.
I really hate that part of being me.
I should be doing homework and cleaning, why am I still on here?
I.E. A Bitch station where I'm gonna take out everything. So take things with a grain of salt.
I'll be saying things I don't entirely mean and stuff i'd never do etc.
Such as saying I want to Punch Graeme (Satan is a nickname i'll use if people start reading this etc).
Reasons I will be saying this: I AM annoyed at the way he's acting.
He IS hurting me with alot of his actions.
I do sometimes feel so overwhelmed and angry I get the urge to hit him.
But, obviously I never would what with my against violence and how dispite everything.. he is still my friend and soon enough he'll probobly be back to friendness and this will be in the past.
It's like what I said about Andrew (Condom) and then followed it with a comment about how friends aren't really there until they need you. Andrew is having a bad time with stuff, and I wouldn't have it any other way then him coming to me and being able to confort him. I live for that kinda stuff. I want all my friends to be able to do that, regardless of our standings, even Graeme could come up to me tomorow and need something, I'd be there. That said, I still do feel kinda hurt about what happened on the Weekend and the abandonment feeling etc isn't gone.
I love my friends.
I'm allways there for them, whenever.
But I still can't help but a feel a bit betrayed and hurt with the way I don't seem to matter until I become usefull to them.
Good news:I got the feed working and this thing won't be going on Facebook like LJ
Not sure really what to write, today was pretty mundane.
Not bad, not good.
I've been more or less annoyed and sad all day, obviously not aided by the parents.
Angus pissed me off today with his stupid questioning and constant msn comments, denise stayed at work so her annoyance was delayed. She's home now, making up for lost time :sigh: First words she comes home, walks to the other side of the house to yell up at me
"Amanda Come put away my groceries!"
Yeah, hi mom, nice to see you too, how was your day? Oh mine was good too, yeah. oh whats that you want help with your groceries,well i am kinda busy but i guess i could help you.
Graeme is still pissed at me for god knows what reason, so he's being a bitch all day. Usual ignoreing me, walking with his head down, not awnsering when you talk or say hi, pretending he doesn't see you etc. Ben's on the only respond if you cornered mode. God damn, boys sure are fun.
Poor Andrew tho, is having some hard times so I got to see him.
I love it when my friends have problems, I actualy get to hear from the bastards and I gain some value.
Funny how important you become when people need you, eh?
By the weekend Graeme will have apologized and be wanting to get drunk here, ben will tag along and they will both ignore me for some Prostitots.
God, I'm so Glad Kcam is coming to sessions tomorow, i need it <3.
Well I guess this is the start so hello dear readers.
I wonder if this thing will let me import my LJ here... It would be a bother to have to repost each entry.