That girl you don't see her round no more

I'm running on no sleep, no coffee, no water and no food.
i am under hydrated, undercaffinate, underslept.
I think my insomnia is coming back, yesterday was one of the best days since returning from the magic that was the gathering, I remeber I was actually happy when the lights went off and my head hit the pillow, but it is allways during those crucial times when the mind wanders before sleep that we are most vulnerable.

After these 19 years of being strong, maybe even hard, needing no one or anything and getting buy. 19 years of strength, I felt every last inch of it dwindle and die last night. I thought of all the good times last week, and the good times of my past, my friends who meant more than the world, more than family and blood. I remebered where they all are now, who do I tell my secrets too? The people I confided in, talked to, god we talked about everything, their all gone. And then the emptiness set in. How these last few weeks with family are taking an extra years worth of toll, divorce, fighting, immaturity, yelling. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually growing apart from them as well, funny I didn't realize there was anything to grow apart from with them. I can't talk to them, or lean on them.

And I felt really alone. Dispite the people I just left, for some reason we never reached the point where we can talk about anything, or rather where I can talk about anything. Seems to be the one thing about me, anyone can tell me anything.. I like that. What I don't like, is how I no longer have that support group that I can have the same feeling of support, guidance maybe. I suppose there's the PPK, and I love them all, truely. It's just... I don't think I've ever been able to truely feel the miles between people, as I can with them.

Grade 9-10 the old group, the table, those are times I truely and sorely miss. But even if I seek out the memebers of my past, I know what was there is dead, and I lack the medical and social knowledge to bring it back. I thinkt hat maybe i'm not good enough, to have them, or anyone. Friends in general. And it's back to childhood and inadequencies, something I guess I never really got over.

But i'm degressing, this is supposed to be a retelling of everything I felt and thought last night, in those hours of sleeplessness, when I willed myself to remeber, to stay in bed away from the paper, remeber and write tomorow, sleep now. But sleep never really came.

I felt cold, and alone. In this new house's lack of warm, maybe I hope the memories would stay within the wooden cofines of the house in which they happened, the first kisses, the sleep overs, confessions, love, video games and friendship. But they didn't. I can't remeber when I started crying, but it happened, strength and will melted into sorrow and weakness. Alone in my new world, with the prospects of leaving forever (finally) exciting adulthood and return to my home town, the city I love. The new life i've wanted ever since I arrived here just weeks away, and this place got to me again. Againts the cold walls of my new bed room my sides shook with tears and sobs, feeling alone as I ever had in this place. Wiping the water from my cheeks, thinking about how pathetic is was to be here, to lose out now when i'm so close. To actually maybe even fear my new life? That maybe it's not the awnser, maybe things won't get better, maybe it's just me.

I wonder if selfesteme is something i'll ever truely master, last week was a great boost in moral, mood, life and self worth. But then the reality of all i've lost, and thoughts of when that too will be lost came crashing in. Pathetic.
Worst still are thoughts of intimacy, gosh, how long has it been? Sure there are needs, wants, desires, lust even. But the thought of those needs ever being met again seems slim, perhaps the hormones or lust itself drove these crazy thoughts. I honestly sat and wondered, willed myself to remeber, how was it done, what happened? Sure the basic biology is a given, the feelings or sensations are vividly recalls, but I can't picture it. Or really even ever picture how it would be done again. Can you forget how to do it? Can you ever re-learn, or are you doomed to celibacy. A scary thought. Thinking back to it all I couldn't remeber anything positive, just his hands on me, violation and the memories of what happend with that chapter. I tried to stop it all, not to think to remeber to envision, but it all came back. And I couldn't get his hands off me, his touch lingered, his lies everything felt as if it were infecting me, making me ill, tainted. I felt gross, worst of all I felt weak. The mere memories or vague flashes, and all i could envision was myself with him and feel disgust and sorrow.

I cryed harder, and wondered where all my years of strength had gone. Where she was, or anyone, all the people I had once confided the world in. The people who kept me going, and the bonds we were so sure would last forever. I sobed until it was morning, lay down my head and thought of all the great friendships and people and what had become of us all.

Sometimes you just can't help it

Things that make me uncomfortable:

10:Shoping for clothing when there is a "helpful" sales person. Asking how your doing in the changing room, if you need a bigger/smaller size and tell you what they think of the clothing. I just don't like and they make me feel akward.
9:Reading in class. Odd. Because I can read out loud, I don't perticularly care what people think about my reading but i sometimes choke and mess up stupid words and look dumb. Which is fine, because everyone else who reads does it too.. but i guess it just add fuel fire to the mean side that allready has enough amo. My throat/muscles tense and I can feel my body worrying about it as I read. Stupid but true.
8:Wearing skirts/dresses. I can't sit or move properly in them, i don't like my legs and keep waiting for someone to make fun of them. oh, and you know I probobly flash 20 people a day in one of them.
7:When I run out of things to say. Seriously it happens and I can't do anything but think "WTF?! how did YOU! run out of something to say? You run your damn mouth a million miles a minute for years. Idiot." Especially when this happens with new people, or people I haven't seen in a while. It's like omg! i haven't seen you forever!! :never ending slience:
6:Making phone calls. I'm not sure why, i choke up shake and feel horrible uncomfortable, but i love when people call me. Weird eh? I guess I assume that they don't really wanna talk to me or w/e and I'm bothering them or making them upset. stupid, but true.
5:Randomly droping by someone's house, or not having a final i'm on my way now, ok see you there. I can't do it, I will chicken out and risk not being able to see them if I can't confirm again that it's ok and they want me over/to come get them. But I love when people do it to me. Its again because I assume something came up, they aren't home, changed their mind, don't want to see me, didn't ask their parents, will regect me, slam the door, forgot about a project or a billion other reasons.
4:Guy's Mothers. Mother's of any male when encountering a new female aquatence of her son will pick her apart and size her up in everyway. She will also assume something "romantic" in nature is going on, or soon will be. If this is not the case, she will still keep the idea in mind. To a mother, every female is a posible Daughter in Law, so she is judged and either approved or disaproved of. So far, It seems I gain the approval, which makes alot of things easier and brings up further issues. I.E. the part where something romantic is happening or will be soon, and if they approve of said girl, something has to happen so they get her as the daughter inlaw. Mother's judge, meddle, assume and never forget. And you can tell when their doing 98% of these things. Its awful and I really dislike it, dispite the love I have for many a friends awesome mothers.. they still due this and it has lead to feeling akward.
3: Mirrors, I hate them. This probobly comes from the bad self image, but I can never tell when I'll look and see something normal or something disgusting. The later one is the usual out come and leads to lots of not goodness. But I guess it may just be left over emotions from the disorder.
2:Sex. No seriously. Most sexual things lead me to be extremely uncomfortable, for all the perv, jokes and braging or w/e.. I'm terribly affraid of contact and being made fun of. Seriously, I'm like hiding under the sheets, lights off, crying don't laugh at me uncomfortable horribleness. Oddly, this sometimes goes away.. but it's still pretty much there.
1:Trusting people. This may relate to a few of the previous ones.. but I can't help it but part of me allways assumes everyone hates me and is trying to find a way to hurt me. Obviously, I know this isn't true but it makes it alot harder when little things seem to illustrate this voice's point.