Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Siting amongs the empty bottles

On this cold hard floor, it's hard not to feel neglected and cast aside.
It seems as if I'm not really wanted here, and merely tolerated as a maid.
I can just feel all this shit building up inside, the loneliness maybe? And I just want to sit here and cry.

I hate always feeling this way, feeling so helpless and deserted everywhere. Heck, I feel most wanted at work these days, and thats including all the long silent periods where no one will talk to me for hours or minutes on end. But Steve is leaving soon, and he's by far the best for the inclusion factor.. Alex seems like he'd be cool, and that girl likes me more. Apparently I was to be her replacement for Steve! And she's a veggie! :3 I'm gonna miss these kids. I wanna start on nights, for more time with Steve before he leaves, and to get to know Alex better, I think the girl works night too.

Alex said I should start working nights which was nice, but somehow even all this positive work attention just seems to be shining light on how all my "real" friends or long term outside of work friends are falling sort, or falling apart.

I know soon enough we'll all be elsewhere and drift apart anyway, I can accept that I guess, I know it's bound to happen.. but I guess I was kinda hoping that miles and distance would be the end of all I love.

I was hoping in the end we'd be missing each other, and I'd have something to blame the emptiness on other than myself.

Little things..

Do you ever find someone is looking at you constantly?
Or get the feeling they are, so you check and your eyes meet?
I swear, he's staring at me or constantly looking in my direction.. I assume it's paranoia but when I check, it only confirms it.
Seriously, wtf is going on... do I have something on my face?
I hate continously cathing his glance, I assume somethings up.
Honestly, steve what is it? My hair messed up or what?

Is it just me, or does this happen to other people.. or maybe he thinks I'm looking at him.. that would make sence, except that he was looking frist... so maybe not.

Why does this allways happen to me? maybe I pay too much attention to shit, or I look funny... maybe I've had to much coffee.
Christ! He's doing it again... maybe he knows how bugged I get.
Curse you steven :P.

Ok, I've wasted enough of your time kcam.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It only gets harder..

I really can't stand how awful this last month (and a bit) is being. I really don't feel like getting in the morning, I have an awful drive into work with Denise, it seems she's either talking about how exciting next year will be or overly mushy/sad about me leaving, or she's yelling at me and being mean/angry. Most often it's the old one,two, two, one, two, two. Fun times.

I know she's stressed and I know the divorce is fucking with everyones head, she's moving into that shack near the middle of august. THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST and she wants everything packed. I go to Oregon next week, I need my shit to pack, I also need to get my PC set up again, which requires work, time and yes, MY STUFF! She gets emotional about me leaving, hugs me and says how much she'll miss me and she wants me to have my stuff packed now. I DON"T LEAVE UNTIL SEPT 2nd! The stuff I'm taking to Dal is my most essential I use these everyday, items.

Not to mention how damn small this shack is, but w/e I'm not really living there and I'll leave my stuff with Dad. I have a feeling she'd try to through it out. If she was mad about my room being messy, because it really is. I know that, it's just I work all day and when I get home I want to try and catch up on stuff or just sleep. I don't even eat meals anymore, my eyes are baggy and I am always tired.

I just feel so fucking worn out, and alone really. I don't see or hear from anyway, and I always feel like a bother if I try to contact them. Or I do see them, and I don't feel like I'm wanted or welcome or It just feels odd.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing about anymore, I just really want to get my PC up and running, then work out something with Denise I guess. start eating and such.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I haven't posted in a while

What can I say, I'm slack, fustrated and nothing works at my house.
I'm really finding these last few months at home to be getting worst.
I mean my dad, was actually mad and calling denise names in the car, talking about dancing on her grave and stuff. I know it's only because he's mad etc, but he won't tell me why, denise does the same.
Hey, let's talk about how awful the other is to my kid, but oh she wants to know why. "it's ok sweeties it doesn't matter, you don't need to hear it." THEN SHUT YOU FACE! Don't go on about the other being a bitch/bastard bad person w/e and not tell me why your mad, fuck right off.

I went to see my fucking grandmother, and she asked me to ask my mother to be nicer to my father.

Stop being so immature guys, your SENIORS! Act like it!

I'm going to move away from that topic because it's boring and annoying.
I also have to work until 9, which means once again no ride home. I hate allways being told i'll be picked up and calling to find out, nope sorry I went out/sailing/don't feel like it.

Steve isn't in today, John and Allan went home early AND Laura and justin are off.. so i am bored and all alone. Sam is in, but I really don't think she likes me anymore and liz keeps to herself. I'm even sitting in this row alone!?!?! -_-
800+ people and these 30 seats around me are 100% empty, there isn't even someone way down on the end.

Gah i'm getting tense now, back to the ppk

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Because family is forever

Fuck, I am so pissed off at Denise.
I mean I work hard, offer to help her with her bills, pick up after her and zane, clean the house.
Today I put up a poster for her at my work, regarding her car she wants to sell.
But she can't bother to come in to pick up her daughter at 8pm, because she'd rather have her beer. Surprise surprise my mother chooses alchohol over me.
Can't think of anyone else who'd make another choice.
I mean, it's not even asking that much a ride home, heck i'd drive if she wanted.
So now I have to take 20 odd dollars out of my savings account to pay for my ride home.