What the fuck is going on?

I feel so out of wack with everything, I'm getting angry over things. My room stresses me the fuck out. sigh maybe I should take a page from adam's book and just look up appartments and think about how much better next year will be. But then I start to think about what if it isn't? you know? i mean how many years did I spend thinking how much better it would be once I got back here?

I'm here now? and.... well you know the just of it. I mean what if it doesn't help. What if even with a nice space, human contact, real food, what if I still can't make it. Or worst what if we can't afford it? I mean adam and I together is still a pretty penny, it's doubtful either aaron or john will leave rez. And I'm fairly certain Adam isn't to comfortable about the whole non-aaron or john roomate.

I mean sure now, my parents are willing to give me the cash I need for it. But who knows with them, this is probably a fleeting whim. Or worst maybe adam's going to decide he doesn't want me around, then how fucked would I be.

Then again, maybe I'm just being the huge pessimist i always am and everything will turn out fine.

I haven't posted in a while

What can I say, I'm slack, fustrated and nothing works at my house.
I'm really finding these last few months at home to be getting worst.
I mean my dad, was actually mad and calling denise names in the car, talking about dancing on her grave and stuff. I know it's only because he's mad etc, but he won't tell me why, denise does the same.
Hey, let's talk about how awful the other is to my kid, but oh she wants to know why. "it's ok sweeties it doesn't matter, you don't need to hear it." THEN SHUT YOU FACE! Don't go on about the other being a bitch/bastard bad person w/e and not tell me why your mad, fuck right off.

I went to see my fucking grandmother, and she asked me to ask my mother to be nicer to my father.

Stop being so immature guys, your SENIORS! Act like it!


***********************************************
I'm going to move away from that topic because it's boring and annoying.
I also have to work until 9, which means once again no ride home. I hate allways being told i'll be picked up and calling to find out, nope sorry I went out/sailing/don't feel like it.

Steve isn't in today, John and Allan went home early AND Laura and justin are off.. so i am bored and all alone. Sam is in, but I really don't think she likes me anymore and liz keeps to herself. I'm even sitting in this row alone!?!?! -_-
800+ people and these 30 seats around me are 100% empty, there isn't even someone way down on the end.

Gah i'm getting tense now, back to the ppk

Sickness burried deep within my gut

and nothing seems to let it seep out.
Sometimes I just seem to wonder if it can simply be fucked out?
Escape all the self hate, loneliness and worthlessness in extacy?
Why is it that people only seem to want you when they have no one else?
Is it really to much to ask to be there for someone and have the same?

I can't help but feel unwanted these days.
Living with the family continues to get worst, Zane bitching all the time, Denise talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. My parents only speak to me to half assidly ask how my week went and not listen to whatever the fuck I say, instead they bitch about my student loan or how i need to apply for more scolarships ( yeah i do, but i also need to do my homework so I PASS school). They only bitch about each other or money, but mostly both. But isn't that what makes the world go round? Not loving. Blood. Friends. Caring. But money. Cold hard cash is where it's at.

I can't even seem to entertain myself anymore, I just feel bored, bitter and resentfull. Watch the names pop on the screen, remeber all the faces who no longer talk to me. Sometimes wonder why I don't just talk to them, big mistake. Normaly a quick rejection or suddent death of conversation. Glue called and we discussed next weeks plans, which I'm looking forward too. Maybe we'll actually get past the part where everything just feels akward. Master called to, wanted me to go over ... he allways seems to be an issue. Part of me wants to go, naively sit and be friends like before, stupid girl. I know better, and I know that's not what it's going to be. Part of me wants it, a simple good time, no strings right? Not the case, of course I create my own strings of guilt and self contempt. I feel vile, cheap and used probobly because I am.

I'm no help to myself, lonely and hating anyone who bothers to talk to me for the wrong reasons.
Hormones maybe? Fuck it, maybe I should take a cheap roll in the sack it works for all of them doesn't it? But I know that will create twice as many problems, after all sex is allways an issue with you isn't it. I wish I knew why, and how to fix it.. but i never figured that much out. And then there's The Pumpkin King, I don't know what's going on there but I know sexing someone will not help that in anyway. I feel sick, I haven't beeen eating. Why is it that even if I try it all still comes back to get me? These fucking issues never leave.

At any moment the problems could come back, markings, bingeing all of that shit. Nothing ever goes away. As I was discussing with Apple, What the fuck happened to all us? And why did we all get so fucked up from one little event? I know people say their world got turned upside down, but it really happened. Nothing stayed the same, things that should never change did. And it still effect us even today, but why? The worst part is, it's not actually him or I that matters here. I don't miss Rotten, relationships or love, it's everyone else. Is that wrong? I did love him, more than I'd thought possible, but now it all means nothing to me. Should it? I miss his mom more than anything in the world (besides maybe karen), that's not the way it's suposed to be.

All these fuckign questions, remaining unawnsered since that day.. heck questions from that kiss on my 16th are still unawnsered. What the fuck is going on here?

Love's The Funeral of Hearts

I do care.
fuck it, I can't hide from it in that damned dingy gymnasium as the hot salt pours down my face.
I get it, I was wrong. I can't stop caring, I can't protect myself. The tears keep falling and I see them siting there, laughing, joking and I just want to get up and kick them both square in the face.
For their insolence
For all this pain
How little they do care, about anything.

I do care, in fact I care a damn lot. I care when they leave, in their drunken stumble, keys torn from my hands and I'm left again, alone and cold. The feeling is overwhelming as the screen cries tears of mothers and sons, M.A.D.D. Drunk driving: No one wins.
There I sit in the herd as alone as ever. Keep watching ... keep remembering.
Those cold nights.
You glare at their chuckling backs. They don't care, or even speak to you. Yet none of this changes how you feel about them.
Nothing changes the heart ache felt if they were gone. He acts as if he hates you, maybe he does, ignores and mistreats you even hurts you, but thoughts of them laying dead still plague you.

Waking up in cold sweats with blood soaked hands. Wake up again, colder than before.
Night after night you see the two you love leave. Pull out of the driveway and burn rubber as your left crying inside.
You're never there when it happens and you never will be. You don't drink, or even drive, your not with them, but you still see.

The car engulfed in flames, their blood and the crumbling metal. The glass, blood soaked and holing strong against their struggling screams.
Their trapped as they burn, your siting at home.
You will never ever be there to pound your bloody hands in vain against the burning glass. Your skin will never bubble as it slides off the molted handles in vain as you try to open the car doors.

But there in your dreams, your hands burn and bleed every night, you never succeed. You just keep beating your blood soaked hands against that damned glass. You watch them scream. Some nights the glass breaks, and you grab the hot shards with your hands, desperately pulling them away. You bleed and reach for them, flames engulf you arms, burning them. You never save them, they continue to burn. Once you managed to get hold of him, free his corpse from the mess, and the other burned while you did. Both die, each night.
And at home you weep, because you know you'll never get the chance to burn your hands.
To try.

You wake up each day knowing that the day the dreams become reality, the day those you love burn alive, you will be sitting as you are in your dreams, alone at home, crying. The cop will come to your door and tell you it's much too late and you will weep.

And every day will be spent forever wishing you'd been given the chance to burn your hands.
But you were at home,
helpless,
guilty.
Knowing you weren't there when it happened, no last chance to help them, and knowing worst of all that they were there because of you.

I can't even begin to describe the anger felt as all the memories of all those nights they pulled away. The nights he yelled at you, demanding his keys. Those nights when he was "fine to drive". And worst of all, all those same nights you caved.
All those nights you got yelled at, scorned, cursed, abandoned and your cried. All damage done.
AND STILL YOU LET THEM LEAVE.

So in the assembly you sit, silent, alone and crying. As guilty as the rest who laugh and joke, only your not laughing. You sit and silently hope that something will click, that they will see all the pain, and it will matter to them. And they'll stop, they'll be safe.

You love, but your alone. You can't think of why you care, but your overwhelmed with the fact that you do. Love that's choking you. You can't stop and it hurts. God damn it you love them both so much, they'll never know, it hurts. You feel alone. Y0u care and it gets you no where, nothing in return, they just ignore you but you don't learn.

Is this what love is? to be hurt?

To have your heart riped out with every breathe. To give everything on a daily basis, the absolute power over you, the power to hurt you? Do they really know they hold your heart?
Is love to stand still and silent while they fake full advantage.
to care all the while, to cry. To worry to the point of annoyance. Wake up in the cold sweats and be ignored the next day in the hallway. To give your all and protect them, despite how much they anger you at times.
They never asked for your affection, perhaps they don't want you love. But you can't stop it? Is that how it all works? Is love to be resentful and hateful of how they hurt you? How you care so much for them, and they care nothing for themselves?

Honestly,I'm not sure ... but I do agree with one thing love is.
the funeral of hearts.
To love is to open your heart up to be destroyed.
To kill it and bury it, at the hands of those you love.
Because it hurts you and you can't escape it, you don't want it,
but it's there. Yielding to no one, no reason nor logic. It exists where and when it's unwanted, undeserved and enjoyed. You have no control over when, who, where or anything else.
In the end it will kill you and rip out your heart every time.
It is to be vulnerable.

Kidnap Mr. Sandy Clause

Well here it goes I guess, i've started this thing so I should make a real post.
Good news:I got the feed working and this thing won't be going on Facebook like LJ

Not sure really what to write, today was pretty mundane.
Not bad, not good.

I've been more or less annoyed and sad all day, obviously not aided by the parents.
Angus pissed me off today with his stupid questioning and constant msn comments, denise stayed at work so her annoyance was delayed. She's home now, making up for lost time :sigh: First words she comes home, walks to the other side of the house to yell up at me
"Amanda Come put away my groceries!"
-_-
Yeah, hi mom, nice to see you too, how was your day? Oh mine was good too, yeah. oh whats that you want help with your groceries,well i am kinda busy but i guess i could help you.

Graeme is still pissed at me for god knows what reason, so he's being a bitch all day. Usual ignoreing me, walking with his head down, not awnsering when you talk or say hi, pretending he doesn't see you etc. Ben's on the only respond if you cornered mode. God damn, boys sure are fun.
>.>
Poor Andrew tho, is having some hard times so I got to see him.
I love it when my friends have problems, I actualy get to hear from the bastards and I gain some value.

Funny how important you become when people need you, eh?
By the weekend Graeme will have apologized and be wanting to get drunk here, ben will tag along and they will both ignore me for some Prostitots.

God, I'm so Glad Kcam is coming to sessions tomorow, i need it <3.