At least I still have life's little amusements..

Why aren't I in bed? I feel sicky, my head hurts and there isn't much going on.
I'm just sitting awake watching Safer Sex Trade and feeling icky, wishing i had someone to talk to.

My head really hurts, and it keeps happening a lot plus a sore gross feeling in my stomach. But the drunks have left, so thats a plus.

I had hoped to get my life and school work together by staying alone this weekend, instead i just feel a little icky. In reality i'm just realizing how far behind I really am, how behind and lonely.

I really wish i were made of stone and these stupid things wouldn't affect me or bring me down, instead i'm feeling hurt. Debating leaving school, abandoning my dreams, and dreadedly planing out the rest of my days alone.

On the plus side the funniest thought keeps popping into my mind as I try to think of what employment I could earn without any education and keep coming up with street walker or stripper. Then I meet a little person I'd like to call my reflection

Traped indeed

Cubical hell.
It sucks, never ever work in a cubical, ever.
Grant it we have the most open cubicals ever, the only reason for this is so the new Rent-A-Cop can walk about groping his keys and crotch. Struting and making sure were not on the internet. Fork you. My sup, boss and just about everone else doesn't care. In fact the only reason they mention it is because you file complaints, crasshole.

Now the lights are flickering... joy.
It's 10 am now, been here since 6:38am.. off at 3. Can't take much more... need sleep.
Was at Geoff's until 12, insomina when I got home.. so tired.
Have coffee now, things look better.
Ate a cart of strawberries I brought, to tried to pack lunch and Denise's drunk friend ate my left overs.... Mustards.

I'm finding it hard to share my time between here and LJ, I know this one is suposed to be more personal, but frankly no one reads this (almost no one, hi kcam). And LJ/friends want to know what's going on. I'm to lazy to cross post, and I find it redundant. So I'm just going to stick with the whole, i have other blogs, you want links, I'll give you links route.

Sorry for any neglect on either part.

Call centers suck. It's sunday, no one calls... and those that do shouldn't.
I guess it's like any day, god I hate the white noise, and background noise of this place... day like today remind me why I was so excited once steve started days. Contact, social contact and people to talk to.. I miss that alot.

LJ has a bunch of shit on my friend issues at the moment, so I save Kcam from reading it twice. I just feel all around shity, and don't know how to fix things.

Still...

Over a year latter and I'm still wondering how all these peices ever fit together into a happier version of myself.

Siting amongs the empty bottles

On this cold hard floor, it's hard not to feel neglected and cast aside.
It seems as if I'm not really wanted here, and merely tolerated as a maid.
I can just feel all this shit building up inside, the loneliness maybe? And I just want to sit here and cry.

I hate always feeling this way, feeling so helpless and deserted everywhere. Heck, I feel most wanted at work these days, and thats including all the long silent periods where no one will talk to me for hours or minutes on end. But Steve is leaving soon, and he's by far the best for the inclusion factor.. Alex seems like he'd be cool, and that girl likes me more. Apparently I was to be her replacement for Steve! And she's a veggie! :3 I'm gonna miss these kids. I wanna start on nights, for more time with Steve before he leaves, and to get to know Alex better, I think the girl works night too.

Alex said I should start working nights which was nice, but somehow even all this positive work attention just seems to be shining light on how all my "real" friends or long term outside of work friends are falling sort, or falling apart.

I know soon enough we'll all be elsewhere and drift apart anyway, I can accept that I guess, I know it's bound to happen.. but I guess I was kinda hoping that miles and distance would be the end of all I love.

I was hoping in the end we'd be missing each other, and I'd have something to blame the emptiness on other than myself.

Little things..

Do you ever find someone is looking at you constantly?
Or get the feeling they are, so you check and your eyes meet?
I swear, he's staring at me or constantly looking in my direction.. I assume it's paranoia but when I check, it only confirms it.
Seriously, wtf is going on... do I have something on my face?
I hate continously cathing his glance, I assume somethings up.
Honestly, steve what is it? My hair messed up or what?

Is it just me, or does this happen to other people.. or maybe he thinks I'm looking at him.. that would make sence, except that he was looking frist... so maybe not.

Why does this allways happen to me? maybe I pay too much attention to shit, or I look funny... maybe I've had to much coffee.
Christ! He's doing it again... maybe he knows how bugged I get.
Curse you steven :P.

Ok, I've wasted enough of your time kcam.

It only gets harder..

I really can't stand how awful this last month (and a bit) is being. I really don't feel like getting in the morning, I have an awful drive into work with Denise, it seems she's either talking about how exciting next year will be or overly mushy/sad about me leaving, or she's yelling at me and being mean/angry. Most often it's the old one,two, two, one, two, two. Fun times.

I know she's stressed and I know the divorce is fucking with everyones head, she's moving into that shack near the middle of august. THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST and she wants everything packed. I go to Oregon next week, I need my shit to pack, I also need to get my PC set up again, which requires work, time and yes, MY STUFF! She gets emotional about me leaving, hugs me and says how much she'll miss me and she wants me to have my stuff packed now. I DON"T LEAVE UNTIL SEPT 2nd! The stuff I'm taking to Dal is my most essential I use these everyday, items.

Not to mention how damn small this shack is, but w/e I'm not really living there and I'll leave my stuff with Dad. I have a feeling she'd try to through it out. If she was mad about my room being messy, because it really is. I know that, it's just I work all day and when I get home I want to try and catch up on stuff or just sleep. I don't even eat meals anymore, my eyes are baggy and I am always tired.

I just feel so fucking worn out, and alone really. I don't see or hear from anyway, and I always feel like a bother if I try to contact them. Or I do see them, and I don't feel like I'm wanted or welcome or It just feels odd.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing about anymore, I just really want to get my PC up and running, then work out something with Denise I guess. start eating and such.

I haven't posted in a while

What can I say, I'm slack, fustrated and nothing works at my house.
I'm really finding these last few months at home to be getting worst.
I mean my dad, was actually mad and calling denise names in the car, talking about dancing on her grave and stuff. I know it's only because he's mad etc, but he won't tell me why, denise does the same.
Hey, let's talk about how awful the other is to my kid, but oh she wants to know why. "it's ok sweeties it doesn't matter, you don't need to hear it." THEN SHUT YOU FACE! Don't go on about the other being a bitch/bastard bad person w/e and not tell me why your mad, fuck right off.

I went to see my fucking grandmother, and she asked me to ask my mother to be nicer to my father.

Stop being so immature guys, your SENIORS! Act like it!


***********************************************
I'm going to move away from that topic because it's boring and annoying.
I also have to work until 9, which means once again no ride home. I hate allways being told i'll be picked up and calling to find out, nope sorry I went out/sailing/don't feel like it.

Steve isn't in today, John and Allan went home early AND Laura and justin are off.. so i am bored and all alone. Sam is in, but I really don't think she likes me anymore and liz keeps to herself. I'm even sitting in this row alone!?!?! -_-
800+ people and these 30 seats around me are 100% empty, there isn't even someone way down on the end.

Gah i'm getting tense now, back to the ppk

Because family is forever

Fuck, I am so pissed off at Denise.
I mean I work hard, offer to help her with her bills, pick up after her and zane, clean the house.
Today I put up a poster for her at my work, regarding her car she wants to sell.
But she can't bother to come in to pick up her daughter at 8pm, because she'd rather have her beer. Surprise surprise my mother chooses alchohol over me.
Can't think of anyone else who'd make another choice.
I mean, it's not even asking that much a ride home, heck i'd drive if she wanted.
So now I have to take 20 odd dollars out of my savings account to pay for my ride home.

Tension builds

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Media studies essay!!!
Working, at work.... pysche exam.Stress.ARG!

Ok, now seriously... This essay is only 2 pages and should be fairly easy.. But it's not.
WTF is wrong with me? I'm suposed to use reader responce theory to review the film Children of Men. Easy right? No, not easy. Because I am an idiot!!

GAH! Why can't I think... ok, not suposed to talk about liking or disliking the film.. but respond to it..........................................................................................................................................................................................

yeah... see those dots? Thats my brain waves, I am comatos. Braid Dead. A vegetable if you will.
Why can't I think of what I'm suposed to write for this thing?!?!?!?!
Fuck. Fuck.Fuck.
And my coworker John just asked me what I was doing.. and then pointed out the obvious
"So you doing pointless work instead of something that will benifit you in societe."
Why yes.. yes I am. Because writing about how I am an idiot and unable to think about my assignment is possible.. were as me finding a way to do it, is not.

GAH.
T.T


Why do I not feel better after writing this?
Oh yeah. Because I still can't write the essay!
WGSJHIRHRJKEWNJKLFdhiudfduihnkf!

The lords day

Ok, god.
I know I don't really believe in you and shit and your followers tend to be pricks alot of the time, and I rag on them.
But dude, I totally do not deserve to go to hell.
I mean I know that whole deal with the and on the 7th day thou shall rest, and man I'm cool with that. I mean, I'm here at working trying my hardest to get in for resting for you big guy.
But man, call off your people.. I mean they just keep calling.
I'm trying out this whole sabath deal, but the phones keep ringing.
So God, please help me out with your comandments and get your people to rest it up, so I can to my part to save my soul

Amen

Summer days

You know what? I think I am going to keep my job during the summer. I'll start out part time, switch into full time if I get too bored.. and then when vacation time comes (if I can't get Vegan the Gathering and the PEI road trip off, or anthrofest or anything else I really want to do.. then i'm just gone). Actually, Maybe I'll switch to full time and then opt back to part time if need be.. course the thing there is after becoming full timer once more. Part time positions may become obsolete, and then it will be ulitimatim time again. Stay, or Quit.

Heck my mind will probobly change within the next hour, but for now.. i'll stay.
It's for the best i think.
Course I also have to vist the school more often this summer ;) <3.

****************************************************************
In regards to last night.. it was well.. the past.
But I've come to realize i'm stronger now, more in control, barely but more than before. Things didn't get that bad, although I still found myself wanting them too at times. Damn Id, i guess.
In the end my super ego came out on top and still feeling guilty as allways, but the Id got a little something too. I figured out something odd about myself tho.. for the first time ever.. I've grown possesive of my bed, and sharing it isn't as pleasent as i remeber. Not sure what it was really, but for some reasons alot of the cuddles and attention rolled right off. My knees weren't weakend, my pulse quicken and for once I was thankful for my short fuse.

I'm still struggling with whither to feel empowered by my reactions or disabled. I could have sworn a few times when he embraced me, the toxins pumping through my veins wanted to push his off and walk away. It seems I am in fact free, no longer his easily manipulated slave.. but I'm begining to wonder if I've become cold and unfeeling towards his pain. I don't want to be powerless, but I don't want to be unfeeling either. The idea of pushing someones affection away, or not caring or believing in their pain is foreign to me.. I'd like it to stay that way. But somehow It seems as if my plate has a taste for the distastefull and an appetite for shame.

Bloggers- Lonely in Cyber Space

Kcam I know your on here, and you replied to my comment on Adam's Not Blog.
So why the cold shoulder?
It's lonely here in cyber space.
And Work's banned MSN.

Work It

Is it just me, or am I the only person on the phones in this place?
I've been getting call after call, and everyone else is suspiciously quiet...
>.>