Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sickness burried deep within my gut

and nothing seems to let it seep out.
Sometimes I just seem to wonder if it can simply be fucked out?
Escape all the self hate, loneliness and worthlessness in extacy?
Why is it that people only seem to want you when they have no one else?
Is it really to much to ask to be there for someone and have the same?

I can't help but feel unwanted these days.
Living with the family continues to get worst, Zane bitching all the time, Denise talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. My parents only speak to me to half assidly ask how my week went and not listen to whatever the fuck I say, instead they bitch about my student loan or how i need to apply for more scolarships ( yeah i do, but i also need to do my homework so I PASS school). They only bitch about each other or money, but mostly both. But isn't that what makes the world go round? Not loving. Blood. Friends. Caring. But money. Cold hard cash is where it's at.

I can't even seem to entertain myself anymore, I just feel bored, bitter and resentfull. Watch the names pop on the screen, remeber all the faces who no longer talk to me. Sometimes wonder why I don't just talk to them, big mistake. Normaly a quick rejection or suddent death of conversation. Glue called and we discussed next weeks plans, which I'm looking forward too. Maybe we'll actually get past the part where everything just feels akward. Master called to, wanted me to go over ... he allways seems to be an issue. Part of me wants to go, naively sit and be friends like before, stupid girl. I know better, and I know that's not what it's going to be. Part of me wants it, a simple good time, no strings right? Not the case, of course I create my own strings of guilt and self contempt. I feel vile, cheap and used probobly because I am.

I'm no help to myself, lonely and hating anyone who bothers to talk to me for the wrong reasons.
Hormones maybe? Fuck it, maybe I should take a cheap roll in the sack it works for all of them doesn't it? But I know that will create twice as many problems, after all sex is allways an issue with you isn't it. I wish I knew why, and how to fix it.. but i never figured that much out. And then there's The Pumpkin King, I don't know what's going on there but I know sexing someone will not help that in anyway. I feel sick, I haven't beeen eating. Why is it that even if I try it all still comes back to get me? These fucking issues never leave.

At any moment the problems could come back, markings, bingeing all of that shit. Nothing ever goes away. As I was discussing with Apple, What the fuck happened to all us? And why did we all get so fucked up from one little event? I know people say their world got turned upside down, but it really happened. Nothing stayed the same, things that should never change did. And it still effect us even today, but why? The worst part is, it's not actually him or I that matters here. I don't miss Rotten, relationships or love, it's everyone else. Is that wrong? I did love him, more than I'd thought possible, but now it all means nothing to me. Should it? I miss his mom more than anything in the world (besides maybe karen), that's not the way it's suposed to be.

All these fuckign questions, remaining unawnsered since that day.. heck questions from that kiss on my 16th are still unawnsered. What the fuck is going on here?

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