Monday, August 13, 2007

The clock ticks on and the mind wanders

I'm still at work.. stuck here for a full hour after I should be.
Lack of rides etc, but I'm ok with it. Because here I have internet, and that helps keep me sane, or at least with mild human contact.
I don't want to go back to that shack.
I feel odd, as if I'm stuck in limbo.
I cannot wait to have my pc back, and I really wish I could afford to get a decent camera now, because I've rediscovered my love for photography but find myself perpetually disappointed with my P.O.S.

I think I'm in a funk, or maybe just a time of turmoil?
I guess I still haven't fully recovered from last year, it's like the return of the funk or something. It's hard to move past losing so many close friends and it just draws on.

Really though the gathering helped a lot, but it's hard when that's over and the uplift is gone. I start to wonder if it was all a dream, or simply luck.. or a one time event. Most of all I fear my repetative pattern begin to take hold, and I would hate to lose the new friends I have. I fear that having made them real with speed up the inevitable, them leaving me. And mostly I'm just realizing how truly fucked up my mental state is, and how I still have all those self esteem issues I try to hide.

I'm scared, pathetic and alone. The first one is new, well maybe I've always been scared just never realized, admitted or showed it. But I don't like it.

I feel weak, when I should be strong.
Empowered and helpless, I'm inspired to do so much and afraid to try.
I've never been afraid of trying before, and rejection (or hypothetical rejection) has never held me back.. I'm afraid that it's starting to and slowly I'll become someone I'm not and someone I don't want to be.

I feel really alone, and I don't like it.. it just keeps getting harder to deny the fact. Harder to hold onto/forget the past, I move on with new people, new friends, groups make the same close connections (or almost as close) and it seems fake, too good to be true. Most of all too good for me.

Funny how little words your parent spoke so many years ago still hold true and consume the little girl as she becomes a woman.

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