That girl you don't see her round no more

I'm running on no sleep, no coffee, no water and no food.
i am under hydrated, undercaffinate, underslept.
I think my insomnia is coming back, yesterday was one of the best days since returning from the magic that was the gathering, I remeber I was actually happy when the lights went off and my head hit the pillow, but it is allways during those crucial times when the mind wanders before sleep that we are most vulnerable.

After these 19 years of being strong, maybe even hard, needing no one or anything and getting buy. 19 years of strength, I felt every last inch of it dwindle and die last night. I thought of all the good times last week, and the good times of my past, my friends who meant more than the world, more than family and blood. I remebered where they all are now, who do I tell my secrets too? The people I confided in, talked to, god we talked about everything, their all gone. And then the emptiness set in. How these last few weeks with family are taking an extra years worth of toll, divorce, fighting, immaturity, yelling. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually growing apart from them as well, funny I didn't realize there was anything to grow apart from with them. I can't talk to them, or lean on them.

And I felt really alone. Dispite the people I just left, for some reason we never reached the point where we can talk about anything, or rather where I can talk about anything. Seems to be the one thing about me, anyone can tell me anything.. I like that. What I don't like, is how I no longer have that support group that I can have the same feeling of support, guidance maybe. I suppose there's the PPK, and I love them all, truely. It's just... I don't think I've ever been able to truely feel the miles between people, as I can with them.

Grade 9-10 the old group, the table, those are times I truely and sorely miss. But even if I seek out the memebers of my past, I know what was there is dead, and I lack the medical and social knowledge to bring it back. I thinkt hat maybe i'm not good enough, to have them, or anyone. Friends in general. And it's back to childhood and inadequencies, something I guess I never really got over.

But i'm degressing, this is supposed to be a retelling of everything I felt and thought last night, in those hours of sleeplessness, when I willed myself to remeber, to stay in bed away from the paper, remeber and write tomorow, sleep now. But sleep never really came.

I felt cold, and alone. In this new house's lack of warm, maybe I hope the memories would stay within the wooden cofines of the house in which they happened, the first kisses, the sleep overs, confessions, love, video games and friendship. But they didn't. I can't remeber when I started crying, but it happened, strength and will melted into sorrow and weakness. Alone in my new world, with the prospects of leaving forever (finally) exciting adulthood and return to my home town, the city I love. The new life i've wanted ever since I arrived here just weeks away, and this place got to me again. Againts the cold walls of my new bed room my sides shook with tears and sobs, feeling alone as I ever had in this place. Wiping the water from my cheeks, thinking about how pathetic is was to be here, to lose out now when i'm so close. To actually maybe even fear my new life? That maybe it's not the awnser, maybe things won't get better, maybe it's just me.

I wonder if selfesteme is something i'll ever truely master, last week was a great boost in moral, mood, life and self worth. But then the reality of all i've lost, and thoughts of when that too will be lost came crashing in. Pathetic.
Worst still are thoughts of intimacy, gosh, how long has it been? Sure there are needs, wants, desires, lust even. But the thought of those needs ever being met again seems slim, perhaps the hormones or lust itself drove these crazy thoughts. I honestly sat and wondered, willed myself to remeber, how was it done, what happened? Sure the basic biology is a given, the feelings or sensations are vividly recalls, but I can't picture it. Or really even ever picture how it would be done again. Can you forget how to do it? Can you ever re-learn, or are you doomed to celibacy. A scary thought. Thinking back to it all I couldn't remeber anything positive, just his hands on me, violation and the memories of what happend with that chapter. I tried to stop it all, not to think to remeber to envision, but it all came back. And I couldn't get his hands off me, his touch lingered, his lies everything felt as if it were infecting me, making me ill, tainted. I felt gross, worst of all I felt weak. The mere memories or vague flashes, and all i could envision was myself with him and feel disgust and sorrow.

I cryed harder, and wondered where all my years of strength had gone. Where she was, or anyone, all the people I had once confided the world in. The people who kept me going, and the bonds we were so sure would last forever. I sobed until it was morning, lay down my head and thought of all the great friendships and people and what had become of us all.

I haven't posted in a while

What can I say, I'm slack, fustrated and nothing works at my house.
I'm really finding these last few months at home to be getting worst.
I mean my dad, was actually mad and calling denise names in the car, talking about dancing on her grave and stuff. I know it's only because he's mad etc, but he won't tell me why, denise does the same.
Hey, let's talk about how awful the other is to my kid, but oh she wants to know why. "it's ok sweeties it doesn't matter, you don't need to hear it." THEN SHUT YOU FACE! Don't go on about the other being a bitch/bastard bad person w/e and not tell me why your mad, fuck right off.

I went to see my fucking grandmother, and she asked me to ask my mother to be nicer to my father.

Stop being so immature guys, your SENIORS! Act like it!


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I'm going to move away from that topic because it's boring and annoying.
I also have to work until 9, which means once again no ride home. I hate allways being told i'll be picked up and calling to find out, nope sorry I went out/sailing/don't feel like it.

Steve isn't in today, John and Allan went home early AND Laura and justin are off.. so i am bored and all alone. Sam is in, but I really don't think she likes me anymore and liz keeps to herself. I'm even sitting in this row alone!?!?! -_-
800+ people and these 30 seats around me are 100% empty, there isn't even someone way down on the end.

Gah i'm getting tense now, back to the ppk

Sickness burried deep within my gut

and nothing seems to let it seep out.
Sometimes I just seem to wonder if it can simply be fucked out?
Escape all the self hate, loneliness and worthlessness in extacy?
Why is it that people only seem to want you when they have no one else?
Is it really to much to ask to be there for someone and have the same?

I can't help but feel unwanted these days.
Living with the family continues to get worst, Zane bitching all the time, Denise talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. My parents only speak to me to half assidly ask how my week went and not listen to whatever the fuck I say, instead they bitch about my student loan or how i need to apply for more scolarships ( yeah i do, but i also need to do my homework so I PASS school). They only bitch about each other or money, but mostly both. But isn't that what makes the world go round? Not loving. Blood. Friends. Caring. But money. Cold hard cash is where it's at.

I can't even seem to entertain myself anymore, I just feel bored, bitter and resentfull. Watch the names pop on the screen, remeber all the faces who no longer talk to me. Sometimes wonder why I don't just talk to them, big mistake. Normaly a quick rejection or suddent death of conversation. Glue called and we discussed next weeks plans, which I'm looking forward too. Maybe we'll actually get past the part where everything just feels akward. Master called to, wanted me to go over ... he allways seems to be an issue. Part of me wants to go, naively sit and be friends like before, stupid girl. I know better, and I know that's not what it's going to be. Part of me wants it, a simple good time, no strings right? Not the case, of course I create my own strings of guilt and self contempt. I feel vile, cheap and used probobly because I am.

I'm no help to myself, lonely and hating anyone who bothers to talk to me for the wrong reasons.
Hormones maybe? Fuck it, maybe I should take a cheap roll in the sack it works for all of them doesn't it? But I know that will create twice as many problems, after all sex is allways an issue with you isn't it. I wish I knew why, and how to fix it.. but i never figured that much out. And then there's The Pumpkin King, I don't know what's going on there but I know sexing someone will not help that in anyway. I feel sick, I haven't beeen eating. Why is it that even if I try it all still comes back to get me? These fucking issues never leave.

At any moment the problems could come back, markings, bingeing all of that shit. Nothing ever goes away. As I was discussing with Apple, What the fuck happened to all us? And why did we all get so fucked up from one little event? I know people say their world got turned upside down, but it really happened. Nothing stayed the same, things that should never change did. And it still effect us even today, but why? The worst part is, it's not actually him or I that matters here. I don't miss Rotten, relationships or love, it's everyone else. Is that wrong? I did love him, more than I'd thought possible, but now it all means nothing to me. Should it? I miss his mom more than anything in the world (besides maybe karen), that's not the way it's suposed to be.

All these fuckign questions, remaining unawnsered since that day.. heck questions from that kiss on my 16th are still unawnsered. What the fuck is going on here?