Cubical hell.
It sucks, never ever work in a cubical, ever.
Grant it we have the most open cubicals ever, the only reason for this is so the new Rent-A-Cop can walk about groping his keys and crotch. Struting and making sure were not on the internet. Fork you. My sup, boss and just about everone else doesn't care. In fact the only reason they mention it is because you file complaints, crasshole.
Now the lights are flickering... joy.
It's 10 am now, been here since 6:38am.. off at 3. Can't take much more... need sleep.
Was at Geoff's until 12, insomina when I got home.. so tired.
Have coffee now, things look better.
Ate a cart of strawberries I brought, to tried to pack lunch and Denise's drunk friend ate my left overs.... Mustards.
I'm finding it hard to share my time between here and LJ, I know this one is suposed to be more personal, but frankly no one reads this (almost no one, hi kcam). And LJ/friends want to know what's going on. I'm to lazy to cross post, and I find it redundant. So I'm just going to stick with the whole, i have other blogs, you want links, I'll give you links route.
Sorry for any neglect on either part.
Call centers suck. It's sunday, no one calls... and those that do shouldn't.
I guess it's like any day, god I hate the white noise, and background noise of this place... day like today remind me why I was so excited once steve started days. Contact, social contact and people to talk to.. I miss that alot.
LJ has a bunch of shit on my friend issues at the moment, so I save Kcam from reading it twice. I just feel all around shity, and don't know how to fix things.
Still...
Over a year latter and I'm still wondering how all these peices ever fit together into a happier version of myself.
Showing posts with label Kcam. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kcam. Show all posts
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
You know the days aren't getting brighter when you no longer feel like dancing
WARNING: Huge speal on my day and how i've been feeling lately. It's all inner thoughts and shit, so it's not only boring but probobly whiny. It's almost a rant, be forwarned.
Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3
different times, I even managed not to cry those times and
aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall
before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall
is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought
about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts
escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance
to write.
Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane
tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was
pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in
french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19
years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without
anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay
in public etc.
School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.
Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was
bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a
bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution
is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.
I mean, take french class, I've been in french since
kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in
the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in
the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.
The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to
complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally
going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,
erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the
dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.
So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and
dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get
it, stop reminding me.
But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've
annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not
to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends
each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my
life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time
until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my
life and everything to help, to make things better for her..
but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That
she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still
lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.
I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about
Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply
because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was
a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone
else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a
degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the
change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and
hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm
sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell
myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much
less painfull.
Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact
I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and
Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.
I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.
Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and
dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when
I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I
feel like not are they just friends with them, but their
slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really
the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I
keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with
each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could
have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.
:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a
way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and
Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it
right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.
I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking
about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there
would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's
really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just
a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I
really don't wanna see you again.
I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with
having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e
and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the
friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more
about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that
way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I
never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes
I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.
But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a
friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,
probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for
someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life
with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was
wrong about it all anyway.
But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of
how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each
other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..
I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure
of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,
who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,
tired of it all and feel like giving up.
There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A
boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was
shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it
was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not
normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how
easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and
suddenly.
Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no
sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.
Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I
wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or
akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling
bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok
to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,
until my thoughts drifted to something else.
Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I
allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,
the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back
twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went
for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking
lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which
is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.
I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the
sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me
now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all
was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday
thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people
mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but
still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's
not their fault.
Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.
After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally
fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've
been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly
stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've
been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been
getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even
just sit with in a room.
Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3
different times, I even managed not to cry those times and
aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall
before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall
is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought
about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts
escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance
to write.
Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane
tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was
pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in
french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19
years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without
anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay
in public etc.
School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.
Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was
bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a
bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution
is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.
I mean, take french class, I've been in french since
kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in
the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in
the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.
The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to
complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally
going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,
erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the
dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.
So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and
dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get
it, stop reminding me.
But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've
annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not
to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends
each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my
life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time
until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my
life and everything to help, to make things better for her..
but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That
she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still
lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.
I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about
Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply
because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was
a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone
else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a
degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the
change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and
hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm
sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell
myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much
less painfull.
Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact
I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and
Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.
I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.
Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and
dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when
I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I
feel like not are they just friends with them, but their
slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really
the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I
keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with
each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could
have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.
:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a
way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and
Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it
right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.
I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking
about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there
would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's
really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just
a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I
really don't wanna see you again.
I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with
having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e
and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the
friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more
about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that
way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I
never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes
I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.
But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a
friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,
probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for
someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life
with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was
wrong about it all anyway.
But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of
how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each
other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..
I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure
of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,
who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,
tired of it all and feel like giving up.
There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A
boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was
shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it
was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not
normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how
easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and
suddenly.
Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no
sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.
Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I
wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or
akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling
bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok
to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,
until my thoughts drifted to something else.
Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I
allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,
the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back
twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went
for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking
lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which
is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.
I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the
sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me
now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all
was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday
thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people
mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but
still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's
not their fault.
Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.
After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally
fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've
been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly
stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've
been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been
getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even
just sit with in a room.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
I must be crazy it never ends
Well Satan is talking to me again.
Starting today, the two month silence treatment ends for no apprent reason, in fact he was pretty damn nice and 100% back to his old self. I know I predicted and expected such a turn of events, but it still throws me every time.. I just don't get it.
In fact he actualy came here today, and you know came to speak to me etc, said bye as he was leaving and everything. Course he came to ask me to lie to his mom, told him I couldn't lie and to ask zane so he did, but as he was leaving he said bye.
Little things like that really get to you when you haven't heard them in awhile.
There is a concert at sessions tomorow which should be good, and Prepboy and Satan are coming to studying soo I guess it is just like old times.
For better or worst, I haven't a clue.
They also showed up again, later on to ask jason to come with them, he told them to get lost (^-^).
******************************************
In other news I have SOOO much to do, sewing the prom dress, making curtains, billions of little projects, books to read, recipe testing (which I have slacked on to no end) and AP exams/school work. God the school work and school reading... let alone all the books I want to get/read.
Jesus.
I can't understand that dispite all the shit I have to do, I constantly find myself doing nothing.. or wasting time.. and still somehow worn out and tired, I don't get it!
I go to bed earlier than ever, sleep in a little bit later and take lots of breaks, heck I've even started actually eating a bit better (getting some recipie testing done after all :)), drinking lots of water, heck I just ate some plain fucking almonds for a snack. And had my first glass of pop in a while.
School work: I need to read psyche and that book for english
Do my media studies essay
Study for my exams
And do my french final project
Oh and teach a class of cul tech at some point too... hmm.
Another oddity: Every so often at school it hits me that this is the last or one of the last times this will ever happen. The yearbook room, psyche class, harrasment by Ross or Perkins... everything is ending. I was allways aware and couldn't wait, still can't.. but I keep getting that ever so slight sadness and longing.. all the art classes i never took, theater arts and Todds other classes, Peircy, all my old high school friends I rarely see, my highschool grad friends I'm still with and don't see.. and I just fell as if i'm full of longing for more time, for past time, for a diffrent course.
I will miss everyone so much my heart aches, and then I realize I'm missing them know, and most of them are gone allready.. how far apart we've grown, or how close we were never able to be. OR even how close they all are to each other.
It's kinda funny.. 12 years later and I'm still the same outside I was back then.
Starting today, the two month silence treatment ends for no apprent reason, in fact he was pretty damn nice and 100% back to his old self. I know I predicted and expected such a turn of events, but it still throws me every time.. I just don't get it.
In fact he actualy came here today, and you know came to speak to me etc, said bye as he was leaving and everything. Course he came to ask me to lie to his mom, told him I couldn't lie and to ask zane so he did, but as he was leaving he said bye.
Little things like that really get to you when you haven't heard them in awhile.
There is a concert at sessions tomorow which should be good, and Prepboy and Satan are coming to studying soo I guess it is just like old times.
For better or worst, I haven't a clue.
They also showed up again, later on to ask jason to come with them, he told them to get lost (^-^).
******************************************
In other news I have SOOO much to do, sewing the prom dress, making curtains, billions of little projects, books to read, recipe testing (which I have slacked on to no end) and AP exams/school work. God the school work and school reading... let alone all the books I want to get/read.
Jesus.
I can't understand that dispite all the shit I have to do, I constantly find myself doing nothing.. or wasting time.. and still somehow worn out and tired, I don't get it!
I go to bed earlier than ever, sleep in a little bit later and take lots of breaks, heck I've even started actually eating a bit better (getting some recipie testing done after all :)), drinking lots of water, heck I just ate some plain fucking almonds for a snack. And had my first glass of pop in a while.
School work: I need to read psyche and that book for english
Do my media studies essay
Study for my exams
And do my french final project
Oh and teach a class of cul tech at some point too... hmm.
Another oddity: Every so often at school it hits me that this is the last or one of the last times this will ever happen. The yearbook room, psyche class, harrasment by Ross or Perkins... everything is ending. I was allways aware and couldn't wait, still can't.. but I keep getting that ever so slight sadness and longing.. all the art classes i never took, theater arts and Todds other classes, Peircy, all my old high school friends I rarely see, my highschool grad friends I'm still with and don't see.. and I just fell as if i'm full of longing for more time, for past time, for a diffrent course.
I will miss everyone so much my heart aches, and then I realize I'm missing them know, and most of them are gone allready.. how far apart we've grown, or how close we were never able to be. OR even how close they all are to each other.
It's kinda funny.. 12 years later and I'm still the same outside I was back then.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Hung by a phone cord
God I really hate the telephone.
I mean really, really dispise it.
It's offers of false hope and it's taunting curve.
Right now I find myself staring at it through tear blurred eyes, wanting to pick it up, to call someone. Anyone... to not feel so shity and alone.
But honestly, who the hell do I have to call?
To depend on?
I'm one of the boys. No more real girlfriends, well Kcam she has soccer and I don't want to push my luck, i'd frankly be pretty lost without her.
Yes, sir. Just one of the good old boys.
To bad the selfish bastards never bothered to let you know;
Once puberty hits.
You're one of them no more.
You have to either fuck them or get outta there.
You can have no real friends.
Thanks for choosing to rub it in, fuckers.
I mean really, really dispise it.
It's offers of false hope and it's taunting curve.
Right now I find myself staring at it through tear blurred eyes, wanting to pick it up, to call someone. Anyone... to not feel so shity and alone.
But honestly, who the hell do I have to call?
To depend on?
I'm one of the boys. No more real girlfriends, well Kcam she has soccer and I don't want to push my luck, i'd frankly be pretty lost without her.
Yes, sir. Just one of the good old boys.
To bad the selfish bastards never bothered to let you know;
Once puberty hits.
You're one of them no more.
You have to either fuck them or get outta there.
You can have no real friends.
Thanks for choosing to rub it in, fuckers.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Not so Hardcore
Well first news it would seem everything is magically better and everyone is back to normal.
I don't know why, I don't wanna pry and try and find out while messing shit up in the process.
So I just accept and enjoy the fact.
In other hardcore news, went to Graeme's metal show. Small turn out but it was still sweet getting to be so close to the bands and having everyone walk out. (Eye candy allways a plus too).
Kcam was there, although she hates metal it was nice to see her and hang out.. I'm sure she enjoyed some of it like watching prepboy in the mosh pit :P and joking with Christian and Graham M. Condom was there and creature showed up too, Dos, amy even Adam W was there (Hilarious btw). Good time all around, the bands were great. Rebeca's grave rocked (shirtless lead never hurts either), it was cool because I was siting back with Kcam as she didn't like the mosh scene, on the table rocking out (ok.. really just looking lame). And the guitar who I was talking to before the set came up to play for us, mid rift really sweet he came up and basically stood right over my knee and played for us. Which I think is perticulalry cool as we were pretty far off to the side lines. Little extra effort, it was nice to see.. and you know fucking awesome to have someone tearing a rift in fucing licking distance. Axe+hot guitarist in your face= awesome.
highlights inculde Prepboy moshing, which was hilarious and awesome and adorable.
He also came up behind me and shoved me forward then grabed my shoulders and pulled me back, which confused me because Gwyn had been standing right behind me and I had no clue what she was doing. Oh yea, Gwyn showed up too, and SHE headbanged for me (Donnie, Amy, Kcam and Christian all wouldn't T.T). So gwyn and I stuck it out, the last band really had no one but Rebecca's Grave got into the mosh pit which was awesome.. and I swear their other guitarist is like related to nigel.. spooky resemblance.. only you know long sexy metal hair and smaller.
All was cool, and good. Condom left early because once creatuyre showed up he thought it would be cool to drive off a table and deliver a flying elbow to Condom's temple. So he was pretty shaken.
Gwyn and I hung around, spoke to some bands and took all the recycleables and shit. Went home, turns out she couldn't spend the night which sucked but we were gonna watch a movie. Then got an IM from Condom, he was in bad shape confused, alone and shit. Dizzy, he wasn't doing well. So we went to get him, he was a bit delierous, rambling, twitching and just general shifty shit. So we drove him to the afterhours clinic (he didn't wanna go so we lied and said we had to get something from school, he didn't really know what was going on anyway).
Kept saying not to let him fall asleep because he didn't wanna go into a coma. Turns out the fucking after hours place closes at 8pm (WTF?!?). So back to my house we went, he was still not doing good. Worried I called my neighbors/doctors at like 11pm >.< she said she couldn't diagnoist over the phone BUT If he was not himself/confused dizzy etc he need to go to emerge.
So.. Gwyn who had to be home at 12am (cue 11:30 when we desided no risks, in we go).
Took 40$ from my mom, and headed in. Best part of the evening the parking lot have the damn stick thing partway down, but cue gwyns kick ass tiny car we drove right under it, the back got a bit bumped but it was awesome. So basically I filled out forms, got what info I could from condom and we sat and waited. Gwyn stayed until around 12, after he'd gone in to see the nurse and had to wait until they called him to go see the doc/x-ray or w/e. She peeled, 20 mins later her mom calls the cell I say she's on her way. Cue waiting until fucking 3AM!!! Before we get into see a damn doctor. Well 3am until we got into the doctors room, another 30+ mins until a DOCTOR came in. Fucking Saint John Emerge. Anyways, turns out by that time Condom was pretty coherent and we just needed to see if he could go to sleep or not.
The doctor came in, confirmed he had a concussion and was glad I would be supervising him all night. Informed that if any vomiting or comfusion/bleeding occured to come back in. He didn't think there was any bleeding in the brain, so that was good and he opted out of the scan because the radiation could be harmfull and Condom seemed to be on the mends.
Doctor time 20 mins.
Called a cab (33$ Fucking dollars, rip off bastards).
Waited until practially 5, the cabby asked for cash up front gave him 40$ he said he'd give us changed when we got there -_- and then took the long way to my place and needed directions.
Then he asked me what he owed me (I admit it I looked fucking shady as all hell, but you can't rip me off cocksucker I'm sober and allways will be).
Got home, in bed by 5:30 for some reason now that i was in bed 100% fucking awake. Got up at 7, rolled over until 8. Showered, dressed, grabed food, drove Condom home (doing much better, head still hurt but that obvious wasn't going away) and came to work. On mother fucking time.
Boo yeah.
I'm on my 3rd cup of cold coffee.. I think It was made yesterday and just left there, but fucked if I care.
I don't know why, I don't wanna pry and try and find out while messing shit up in the process.
So I just accept and enjoy the fact.
In other hardcore news, went to Graeme's metal show. Small turn out but it was still sweet getting to be so close to the bands and having everyone walk out. (Eye candy allways a plus too).
Kcam was there, although she hates metal it was nice to see her and hang out.. I'm sure she enjoyed some of it like watching prepboy in the mosh pit :P and joking with Christian and Graham M. Condom was there and creature showed up too, Dos, amy even Adam W was there (Hilarious btw). Good time all around, the bands were great. Rebeca's grave rocked (shirtless lead never hurts either), it was cool because I was siting back with Kcam as she didn't like the mosh scene, on the table rocking out (ok.. really just looking lame). And the guitar who I was talking to before the set came up to play for us, mid rift really sweet he came up and basically stood right over my knee and played for us. Which I think is perticulalry cool as we were pretty far off to the side lines. Little extra effort, it was nice to see.. and you know fucking awesome to have someone tearing a rift in fucing licking distance. Axe+hot guitarist in your face= awesome.
highlights inculde Prepboy moshing, which was hilarious and awesome and adorable.
He also came up behind me and shoved me forward then grabed my shoulders and pulled me back, which confused me because Gwyn had been standing right behind me and I had no clue what she was doing. Oh yea, Gwyn showed up too, and SHE headbanged for me (Donnie, Amy, Kcam and Christian all wouldn't T.T). So gwyn and I stuck it out, the last band really had no one but Rebecca's Grave got into the mosh pit which was awesome.. and I swear their other guitarist is like related to nigel.. spooky resemblance.. only you know long sexy metal hair and smaller.
All was cool, and good. Condom left early because once creatuyre showed up he thought it would be cool to drive off a table and deliver a flying elbow to Condom's temple. So he was pretty shaken.
Gwyn and I hung around, spoke to some bands and took all the recycleables and shit. Went home, turns out she couldn't spend the night which sucked but we were gonna watch a movie. Then got an IM from Condom, he was in bad shape confused, alone and shit. Dizzy, he wasn't doing well. So we went to get him, he was a bit delierous, rambling, twitching and just general shifty shit. So we drove him to the afterhours clinic (he didn't wanna go so we lied and said we had to get something from school, he didn't really know what was going on anyway).
Kept saying not to let him fall asleep because he didn't wanna go into a coma. Turns out the fucking after hours place closes at 8pm (WTF?!?). So back to my house we went, he was still not doing good. Worried I called my neighbors/doctors at like 11pm >.< she said she couldn't diagnoist over the phone BUT If he was not himself/confused dizzy etc he need to go to emerge.
So.. Gwyn who had to be home at 12am (cue 11:30 when we desided no risks, in we go).
Took 40$ from my mom, and headed in. Best part of the evening the parking lot have the damn stick thing partway down, but cue gwyns kick ass tiny car we drove right under it, the back got a bit bumped but it was awesome. So basically I filled out forms, got what info I could from condom and we sat and waited. Gwyn stayed until around 12, after he'd gone in to see the nurse and had to wait until they called him to go see the doc/x-ray or w/e. She peeled, 20 mins later her mom calls the cell I say she's on her way. Cue waiting until fucking 3AM!!! Before we get into see a damn doctor. Well 3am until we got into the doctors room, another 30+ mins until a DOCTOR came in. Fucking Saint John Emerge. Anyways, turns out by that time Condom was pretty coherent and we just needed to see if he could go to sleep or not.
The doctor came in, confirmed he had a concussion and was glad I would be supervising him all night. Informed that if any vomiting or comfusion/bleeding occured to come back in. He didn't think there was any bleeding in the brain, so that was good and he opted out of the scan because the radiation could be harmfull and Condom seemed to be on the mends.
Doctor time 20 mins.
Called a cab (33$ Fucking dollars, rip off bastards).
Waited until practially 5, the cabby asked for cash up front gave him 40$ he said he'd give us changed when we got there -_- and then took the long way to my place and needed directions.
Then he asked me what he owed me (I admit it I looked fucking shady as all hell, but you can't rip me off cocksucker I'm sober and allways will be).
Got home, in bed by 5:30 for some reason now that i was in bed 100% fucking awake. Got up at 7, rolled over until 8. Showered, dressed, grabed food, drove Condom home (doing much better, head still hurt but that obvious wasn't going away) and came to work. On mother fucking time.
Boo yeah.
I'm on my 3rd cup of cold coffee.. I think It was made yesterday and just left there, but fucked if I care.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Coping onlt minorly
ok so basically yesterday was yet another bad day in the sea of awful days.
Only worsten a bit.
Because now, i'm going to say it's pretty much final, i'm boned and have no one left.
I made a huge post on LJ after wards, right when Adam S and Kcam droped me off here.
After a terrible akward and silent car ride :sigh:. Remeber the days when I used to be able to clear up misunderstandings instead of silent cry in the back seat?
Good times.
Thankfull I managed to get it undercontrol long enough to thank them and invite them to sessions and to feel free to come on by for 24 as i'll probobly be home with nothing to do.
:cue closing the door: and then resuming sobing.
I hate allways feeling so damn down and hopeless, just once I want to know i have someone who's there for me and allways will be. And I want to be able to suck things up and not allways breakdown in tears. I've been crying everday since elementary, everyday I've lived in this damn town and I'm sick and tired of it.
Moral of the story, post, cry, pull covers over you head and lay and cry there until sleep insues.
I went to bed at 4 yesterday and slept until 7 this morning.. i still feel tired and shitty.
But i'm going to have to shower, get dressed and pretend to be happy once again to go to sessions.
Maybe dos is right and I do need to go on meds.
But even typing that brings back the sobing.
I'm just gonna shower before I wake up my mom again
I know how much she hates getting woken up by my crying
Only worsten a bit.
Because now, i'm going to say it's pretty much final, i'm boned and have no one left.
I made a huge post on LJ after wards, right when Adam S and Kcam droped me off here.
After a terrible akward and silent car ride :sigh:. Remeber the days when I used to be able to clear up misunderstandings instead of silent cry in the back seat?
Good times.
Thankfull I managed to get it undercontrol long enough to thank them and invite them to sessions and to feel free to come on by for 24 as i'll probobly be home with nothing to do.
:cue closing the door: and then resuming sobing.
I hate allways feeling so damn down and hopeless, just once I want to know i have someone who's there for me and allways will be. And I want to be able to suck things up and not allways breakdown in tears. I've been crying everday since elementary, everyday I've lived in this damn town and I'm sick and tired of it.
Moral of the story, post, cry, pull covers over you head and lay and cry there until sleep insues.
I went to bed at 4 yesterday and slept until 7 this morning.. i still feel tired and shitty.
But i'm going to have to shower, get dressed and pretend to be happy once again to go to sessions.
Maybe dos is right and I do need to go on meds.
But even typing that brings back the sobing.
I'm just gonna shower before I wake up my mom again
I know how much she hates getting woken up by my crying
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Bloggers- Lonely in Cyber Space
Kcam I know your on here, and you replied to my comment on Adam's Not Blog.
So why the cold shoulder?
It's lonely here in cyber space.
And Work's banned MSN.
So why the cold shoulder?
It's lonely here in cyber space.
And Work's banned MSN.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Into the flame
Well.. yesterday's tv marathon rocked!
Awesome food and Jack bauer kicking ass left right and center.
Kcam had to leave early so that put us on hold on disk 2.
I'm outta Veronica Mars.. It's killing me! I need my daily fix damn it!!
Should get some homework done today as i work all tomorow..
Master is coming over tonight, looks like its too late to go back.
Chances are good i'm diving into hades.
Sad part is, i'm not sure i care...
Amanda just said she's not sure she cares... this should be troubling.
Awesome food and Jack bauer kicking ass left right and center.
Kcam had to leave early so that put us on hold on disk 2.
I'm outta Veronica Mars.. It's killing me! I need my daily fix damn it!!
Should get some homework done today as i work all tomorow..
Master is coming over tonight, looks like its too late to go back.
Chances are good i'm diving into hades.
Sad part is, i'm not sure i care...
Amanda just said she's not sure she cares... this should be troubling.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Siting in my unmentionables Part 1
Gotta post at least one positive memoire in here, after all its those that I really want to remeber.
Also I think I'll write up another blog, use it as my happy memoires journal, save the trees and all.
Tonight was a great evening, took my lovely date ladies and we went to see You Ain't Nothing But a Werewolve, and gave adam and aaron standing O's (only the three of us stood and we embarassed kcams lil sis :P). It was a great show and everyone did an awesome job.
Also Adam W, Kcam and I went to sessions which also rocked (thanks to adam s for the ride and lauren for her guest appearence!). We talked about old times, the class, and how everyone used to be. Andrew crying when he lost at gym, Rob grant crying over just about anything.. ahh childhood.
One of those remeber the time when.. kinda convos, it was kinda cool to remeber how close knit everyone is. I mean.. just think that everyone in our highschool were kids we each new in elementary or they knew a friend of a friend, part of the perks and curse package that comes with rothesay I guess. Also kinda sad at the parts were people change, curupt for the worst and all that. None the less a good day all around, heck Prepboy and I talked all french class too.. so it seems everythings on the rise. Except Graeme.. but I guess I have to learn until the PMS wears off theres not much I can do.
The show was great I got kisses (and the marks to proove it) curtisy of T <3. Seen amy, alex, julie,adam, adam,aaron,kerrie,john, alison everyone! It was great! Alot better than we expected, great work allaround. Even tho Aaron and Adam tried their hardest to ditch and ignore us when serving time came, we eventually got out own private show :P. Even managed to throw them off with the sexual tension comments and all. Great time.
Lauren, Kcam, thanks for the awesome evening and great memories.. I really should be doing homework...
Also I think I'll write up another blog, use it as my happy memoires journal, save the trees and all.
Tonight was a great evening, took my lovely date ladies and we went to see You Ain't Nothing But a Werewolve, and gave adam and aaron standing O's (only the three of us stood and we embarassed kcams lil sis :P). It was a great show and everyone did an awesome job.
Also Adam W, Kcam and I went to sessions which also rocked (thanks to adam s for the ride and lauren for her guest appearence!). We talked about old times, the class, and how everyone used to be. Andrew crying when he lost at gym, Rob grant crying over just about anything.. ahh childhood.
One of those remeber the time when.. kinda convos, it was kinda cool to remeber how close knit everyone is. I mean.. just think that everyone in our highschool were kids we each new in elementary or they knew a friend of a friend, part of the perks and curse package that comes with rothesay I guess. Also kinda sad at the parts were people change, curupt for the worst and all that. None the less a good day all around, heck Prepboy and I talked all french class too.. so it seems everythings on the rise. Except Graeme.. but I guess I have to learn until the PMS wears off theres not much I can do.
The show was great I got kisses (and the marks to proove it) curtisy of T <3. Seen amy, alex, julie,adam, adam,aaron,kerrie,john, alison everyone! It was great! Alot better than we expected, great work allaround. Even tho Aaron and Adam tried their hardest to ditch and ignore us when serving time came, we eventually got out own private show :P. Even managed to throw them off with the sexual tension comments and all. Great time.
Lauren, Kcam, thanks for the awesome evening and great memories.. I really should be doing homework...
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Most wonderful Night of the year
... or so they say. Man I love song lyrics as titles.
Here's something i've been writing up on the pc about prom.
Being the logical person I am.. I made a list.
heres the file
PRom
Cons:
No one to hang with
No friends going
No dress
No money for dress
Bad music
Bad food
People who don't really like me
nothing to do
I'm cheap
Look bad in dresses
Hair etc cost alot
No friends here (cept maybe kcam, she's not going)
No date.. ok half true i suppose technically i have lots but see the part where no one likes me
Why bother?
I really don't have any friends, as usual i'm being played. I wonder why i asked her who she was going with
Pro
Only one prom
I do have an army of dates lined up
Kcam is now going
Adam needs me to buy him his dress :P
I'd like to believe that i do have friends in this town
Here's something i've been writing up on the pc about prom.
Being the logical person I am.. I made a list.
heres the file
PRom
Cons:
No one to hang with
No friends going
No dress
No money for dress
Bad music
Bad food
People who don't really like me
nothing to do
I'm cheap
Look bad in dresses
Hair etc cost alot
No friends here (cept maybe kcam, she's not going)
No date.. ok half true i suppose technically i have lots but see the part where no one likes me
Why bother?
I really don't have any friends, as usual i'm being played. I wonder why i asked her who she was going with
Pro
Only one prom
I do have an army of dates lined up
Kcam is now going
Adam needs me to buy him his dress :P
I'd like to believe that i do have friends in this town
Kidnap Mr. Sandy Clause
Well here it goes I guess, i've started this thing so I should make a real post.
Good news:I got the feed working and this thing won't be going on Facebook like LJ
Not sure really what to write, today was pretty mundane.
Not bad, not good.
I've been more or less annoyed and sad all day, obviously not aided by the parents.
Angus pissed me off today with his stupid questioning and constant msn comments, denise stayed at work so her annoyance was delayed. She's home now, making up for lost time :sigh: First words she comes home, walks to the other side of the house to yell up at me
"Amanda Come put away my groceries!"
-_-
Yeah, hi mom, nice to see you too, how was your day? Oh mine was good too, yeah. oh whats that you want help with your groceries,well i am kinda busy but i guess i could help you.
Graeme is still pissed at me for god knows what reason, so he's being a bitch all day. Usual ignoreing me, walking with his head down, not awnsering when you talk or say hi, pretending he doesn't see you etc. Ben's on the only respond if you cornered mode. God damn, boys sure are fun.
>.>
Poor Andrew tho, is having some hard times so I got to see him.
I love it when my friends have problems, I actualy get to hear from the bastards and I gain some value.
Funny how important you become when people need you, eh?
By the weekend Graeme will have apologized and be wanting to get drunk here, ben will tag along and they will both ignore me for some Prostitots.
God, I'm so Glad Kcam is coming to sessions tomorow, i need it <3.
Good news:I got the feed working and this thing won't be going on Facebook like LJ
Not sure really what to write, today was pretty mundane.
Not bad, not good.
I've been more or less annoyed and sad all day, obviously not aided by the parents.
Angus pissed me off today with his stupid questioning and constant msn comments, denise stayed at work so her annoyance was delayed. She's home now, making up for lost time :sigh: First words she comes home, walks to the other side of the house to yell up at me
"Amanda Come put away my groceries!"
-_-
Yeah, hi mom, nice to see you too, how was your day? Oh mine was good too, yeah. oh whats that you want help with your groceries,well i am kinda busy but i guess i could help you.
Graeme is still pissed at me for god knows what reason, so he's being a bitch all day. Usual ignoreing me, walking with his head down, not awnsering when you talk or say hi, pretending he doesn't see you etc. Ben's on the only respond if you cornered mode. God damn, boys sure are fun.
>.>
Poor Andrew tho, is having some hard times so I got to see him.
I love it when my friends have problems, I actualy get to hear from the bastards and I gain some value.
Funny how important you become when people need you, eh?
By the weekend Graeme will have apologized and be wanting to get drunk here, ben will tag along and they will both ignore me for some Prostitots.
God, I'm so Glad Kcam is coming to sessions tomorow, i need it <3.
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