What the fuck is it that makes me such a bitch , just for having the nerve to stand up for myself?

Seriously? What the fuck is with you people? And I know I am just fucking pissed off right now, and this is a rant. Vengeance in written verse, pent up rage but honestly Fuck the three of your. I am so sick of this shit! First you have JM go off on me, when I really fucking needed it. Put me down for my faults, and how I'm struggling. Getting pissed that I didn't have a huge head start on my homework, well fuck you I have other classes and commitments. Not to mention I'm sure the three of you realy suffered without one night of your fucking tv. How many times have I been ready or wanting to watch and we had to wait for YOUR fucking shit. What my commitments are somehow less valid? Oh I see, I don't need to do home work if it competes with your precious whims. But you can game, or study till your hearts content and fuck me if I should make a peep. Then you wait for me outside class, make sure all resolved, that she's docilated. Won't cause a scene.

Well i have news I didn;t even want your fucking help. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just making a bad name for myself, because the lot of you have moved on. So the issues closed, right? Well fuck it. It wasn;t your issue to close, I'm certain the incident caused no shed tears on your end. And another thing why the fuck do you even bother to wait for me or have me over if you just intend to get annoyed make cracks and tell me to shut up. Who the fuck are you three to always but putting me down. Or telling me what to do? When to show up, how many episodes we're to watch? When I can't fucking leave?

I've leave whenever the fuck I want! Besides I was leaving to get homework done, remember the reprehend you sent me on that topic? Fucking pricks. I don't even care that I'm being harsh, so what? Why should I always consider your feelings or everyone else's? Its pretty plain no one thinks about what their saying to me or about me? No one considers how I might take your put downs. You don't have the right to treat me like that, you aren't any better than I am. So shut the fuck up. Pick apart your own flaws. Does it make you feel so big and special to tear and poke at someone else's wounds? Knock them down and kick them where you know it'll hurt? Or do you even bother to put any though into it? Maybe it's just how you feel or let me guess you didn't realize I felt that way? You didn't think I would be hurt? Play dumb?

I may not be as smart as you guys or get the high grades or money for school or mommy and daddy, yeah I don't have the same income and no this isn't a free ride for me and yeah I have to work at it. But I know enough to not buy your dumb, gee i'm sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way, well gosh amanda I had no idea you would be so hurt by our patronizing or putting you down? Well gosh darn boys, I never considered it that way? you're right I'm SORRY for speaking back, I'll just sit down and let you put me down to your hearts content. What's that shut up? oh, ok sorry masters. FUCK YOU.

I mean it really, I'm so sick and tired of feeling so put down only to have you guys, who claim to be my friends treat me like dirt. Telling me what I do and don't get, how slow I am, how I can't leave or was late, or did my homework instead of watch movies with you. I mean christ I haven't eaten all day, but no we can't take a few seconds for me to buy food. No "we" don't need any. Fuck you, what did i just say? I AM HUNGRY. I Haven't eaten all day, I want food. But of course that doesn't matter, what's someones health over your enjoyment. Seriously. How can you guys claim to care or be there with a straight face and then pull this shit? Yeah, I may be lashing out, but fuck it I'm tired of being hurt. Because that's what I am, hurt and put down by you guys even when we're all getting along. Always with these sideways jabs. Demands. commandements. I mean it. I have enough issues, problems and things to feel bad and down about. Trust me, I put myself down enough for the lot of us, you don't need to stick your fingers in every wound.

What a surprise

I'm alone and feeling stupid and sad again. I'm also facing the fact that whatever friendship/support there was with ben is obviously gone or maybe was always just some vain kind of hope.

I really don't get how people have so many connections and friends here. I certainly don't get how I once had that, or how it could have ever been so easy.. does anyone remember the secrete?
Those past days of always having someone to bail out, someone to help out, someone to lift up and someone there to do you the same.

Really, when your stomach feels this familiar kind of sick, who do you have to call?
And who would you lean on?

What friendly voice can I hope for on the other end of the telephone?
I really feel like crying, but what good would it do?

Watch her courage drip away, she won't post this on facebook.

You know I really hate it.
I've never been pretty, i know it and I'm fine with it. I'll probably never be pretty either, but It doesn't matter if I couldn't be pretty i settled for smart. The better trade off anyway.
So I worked hard and tried a lot, and made out with decent grades most of the time, I lacked the ease and grace of those around me. but I made enough outta myself to overcome my looks and numerous faults.

But i guess that all ends now. I'm getting my ass handed to me day in and day out by the reviews, the tings I'm supposed to already know in order to be here. I'm behind, confused and lost. I just cannot get a damn thing right, and it's leaving the bitter taste and impression that like I've always told myself, I'm not good enough. and i don't deserve to be here, so there it is my life's savings and work all amounting up into my failure at university.

I get it, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. I've lost it. The materials I used to glide through with ease are now impossible for me to grasp. My lifetime of savings and earnings barely dents my tuition and my debt grows by the second. I spent hours going over the same concepts, getting it doing the work and coming up with the wrong figures.

I feel stupid and pathetic getting John and Aaron to go over the same questions again and again, still getting less than my ideals. I was never pretty, but I was strong, tough, smart and capable.
Worst part is, and I see it now Ricky the lousy wretch that he turned out to be or maybe was, was a true blessing for me. And I was fucking lucky to get the scraps i got from him. One things for sure, he's the last. Nice of him to take me with my looks.

People don't date people like me, i was lucky for what little i got. Don't get me wrong, I by no means want him back and I can certainly see how defective he was too, his faults and imperfections. But real girls are thin, pretty, and nothing like me. I'm built wrong.

I don't miss him, but i can now appreciate how charitable he was for that short time, and thank him for his sacrifice.

Right now i just feel so horrible overwhelm and helpless. I'm cursing my inability and stupidity, and honestly just want to lay down against someone else and have the reassuring grip on something solid and real. Someones support and love that can be felt and brace myself against it, I want to lay down in someones embrace and be comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. Because as i walk these halls alone with my failures and lay here in the silence weeping, I can't help but start to see all my own very valid points. i am alone and a failure, and i probably won't ever succeed.

Heck, I can't even get this room cleaned, this laptop and pc running smoothly or a blog entry with proper syntax and not so many "ands".

That girl you don't see her round no more

I'm running on no sleep, no coffee, no water and no food.
i am under hydrated, undercaffinate, underslept.
I think my insomnia is coming back, yesterday was one of the best days since returning from the magic that was the gathering, I remeber I was actually happy when the lights went off and my head hit the pillow, but it is allways during those crucial times when the mind wanders before sleep that we are most vulnerable.

After these 19 years of being strong, maybe even hard, needing no one or anything and getting buy. 19 years of strength, I felt every last inch of it dwindle and die last night. I thought of all the good times last week, and the good times of my past, my friends who meant more than the world, more than family and blood. I remebered where they all are now, who do I tell my secrets too? The people I confided in, talked to, god we talked about everything, their all gone. And then the emptiness set in. How these last few weeks with family are taking an extra years worth of toll, divorce, fighting, immaturity, yelling. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually growing apart from them as well, funny I didn't realize there was anything to grow apart from with them. I can't talk to them, or lean on them.

And I felt really alone. Dispite the people I just left, for some reason we never reached the point where we can talk about anything, or rather where I can talk about anything. Seems to be the one thing about me, anyone can tell me anything.. I like that. What I don't like, is how I no longer have that support group that I can have the same feeling of support, guidance maybe. I suppose there's the PPK, and I love them all, truely. It's just... I don't think I've ever been able to truely feel the miles between people, as I can with them.

Grade 9-10 the old group, the table, those are times I truely and sorely miss. But even if I seek out the memebers of my past, I know what was there is dead, and I lack the medical and social knowledge to bring it back. I thinkt hat maybe i'm not good enough, to have them, or anyone. Friends in general. And it's back to childhood and inadequencies, something I guess I never really got over.

But i'm degressing, this is supposed to be a retelling of everything I felt and thought last night, in those hours of sleeplessness, when I willed myself to remeber, to stay in bed away from the paper, remeber and write tomorow, sleep now. But sleep never really came.

I felt cold, and alone. In this new house's lack of warm, maybe I hope the memories would stay within the wooden cofines of the house in which they happened, the first kisses, the sleep overs, confessions, love, video games and friendship. But they didn't. I can't remeber when I started crying, but it happened, strength and will melted into sorrow and weakness. Alone in my new world, with the prospects of leaving forever (finally) exciting adulthood and return to my home town, the city I love. The new life i've wanted ever since I arrived here just weeks away, and this place got to me again. Againts the cold walls of my new bed room my sides shook with tears and sobs, feeling alone as I ever had in this place. Wiping the water from my cheeks, thinking about how pathetic is was to be here, to lose out now when i'm so close. To actually maybe even fear my new life? That maybe it's not the awnser, maybe things won't get better, maybe it's just me.

I wonder if selfesteme is something i'll ever truely master, last week was a great boost in moral, mood, life and self worth. But then the reality of all i've lost, and thoughts of when that too will be lost came crashing in. Pathetic.
Worst still are thoughts of intimacy, gosh, how long has it been? Sure there are needs, wants, desires, lust even. But the thought of those needs ever being met again seems slim, perhaps the hormones or lust itself drove these crazy thoughts. I honestly sat and wondered, willed myself to remeber, how was it done, what happened? Sure the basic biology is a given, the feelings or sensations are vividly recalls, but I can't picture it. Or really even ever picture how it would be done again. Can you forget how to do it? Can you ever re-learn, or are you doomed to celibacy. A scary thought. Thinking back to it all I couldn't remeber anything positive, just his hands on me, violation and the memories of what happend with that chapter. I tried to stop it all, not to think to remeber to envision, but it all came back. And I couldn't get his hands off me, his touch lingered, his lies everything felt as if it were infecting me, making me ill, tainted. I felt gross, worst of all I felt weak. The mere memories or vague flashes, and all i could envision was myself with him and feel disgust and sorrow.

I cryed harder, and wondered where all my years of strength had gone. Where she was, or anyone, all the people I had once confided the world in. The people who kept me going, and the bonds we were so sure would last forever. I sobed until it was morning, lay down my head and thought of all the great friendships and people and what had become of us all.

Siting amongs the empty bottles

On this cold hard floor, it's hard not to feel neglected and cast aside.
It seems as if I'm not really wanted here, and merely tolerated as a maid.
I can just feel all this shit building up inside, the loneliness maybe? And I just want to sit here and cry.

I hate always feeling this way, feeling so helpless and deserted everywhere. Heck, I feel most wanted at work these days, and thats including all the long silent periods where no one will talk to me for hours or minutes on end. But Steve is leaving soon, and he's by far the best for the inclusion factor.. Alex seems like he'd be cool, and that girl likes me more. Apparently I was to be her replacement for Steve! And she's a veggie! :3 I'm gonna miss these kids. I wanna start on nights, for more time with Steve before he leaves, and to get to know Alex better, I think the girl works night too.

Alex said I should start working nights which was nice, but somehow even all this positive work attention just seems to be shining light on how all my "real" friends or long term outside of work friends are falling sort, or falling apart.

I know soon enough we'll all be elsewhere and drift apart anyway, I can accept that I guess, I know it's bound to happen.. but I guess I was kinda hoping that miles and distance would be the end of all I love.

I was hoping in the end we'd be missing each other, and I'd have something to blame the emptiness on other than myself.

It only gets harder..

I really can't stand how awful this last month (and a bit) is being. I really don't feel like getting in the morning, I have an awful drive into work with Denise, it seems she's either talking about how exciting next year will be or overly mushy/sad about me leaving, or she's yelling at me and being mean/angry. Most often it's the old one,two, two, one, two, two. Fun times.

I know she's stressed and I know the divorce is fucking with everyones head, she's moving into that shack near the middle of august. THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST and she wants everything packed. I go to Oregon next week, I need my shit to pack, I also need to get my PC set up again, which requires work, time and yes, MY STUFF! She gets emotional about me leaving, hugs me and says how much she'll miss me and she wants me to have my stuff packed now. I DON"T LEAVE UNTIL SEPT 2nd! The stuff I'm taking to Dal is my most essential I use these everyday, items.

Not to mention how damn small this shack is, but w/e I'm not really living there and I'll leave my stuff with Dad. I have a feeling she'd try to through it out. If she was mad about my room being messy, because it really is. I know that, it's just I work all day and when I get home I want to try and catch up on stuff or just sleep. I don't even eat meals anymore, my eyes are baggy and I am always tired.

I just feel so fucking worn out, and alone really. I don't see or hear from anyway, and I always feel like a bother if I try to contact them. Or I do see them, and I don't feel like I'm wanted or welcome or It just feels odd.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing about anymore, I just really want to get my PC up and running, then work out something with Denise I guess. start eating and such.

I haven't posted in a while

What can I say, I'm slack, fustrated and nothing works at my house.
I'm really finding these last few months at home to be getting worst.
I mean my dad, was actually mad and calling denise names in the car, talking about dancing on her grave and stuff. I know it's only because he's mad etc, but he won't tell me why, denise does the same.
Hey, let's talk about how awful the other is to my kid, but oh she wants to know why. "it's ok sweeties it doesn't matter, you don't need to hear it." THEN SHUT YOU FACE! Don't go on about the other being a bitch/bastard bad person w/e and not tell me why your mad, fuck right off.

I went to see my fucking grandmother, and she asked me to ask my mother to be nicer to my father.

Stop being so immature guys, your SENIORS! Act like it!


***********************************************
I'm going to move away from that topic because it's boring and annoying.
I also have to work until 9, which means once again no ride home. I hate allways being told i'll be picked up and calling to find out, nope sorry I went out/sailing/don't feel like it.

Steve isn't in today, John and Allan went home early AND Laura and justin are off.. so i am bored and all alone. Sam is in, but I really don't think she likes me anymore and liz keeps to herself. I'm even sitting in this row alone!?!?! -_-
800+ people and these 30 seats around me are 100% empty, there isn't even someone way down on the end.

Gah i'm getting tense now, back to the ppk

Because family is forever

Fuck, I am so pissed off at Denise.
I mean I work hard, offer to help her with her bills, pick up after her and zane, clean the house.
Today I put up a poster for her at my work, regarding her car she wants to sell.
But she can't bother to come in to pick up her daughter at 8pm, because she'd rather have her beer. Surprise surprise my mother chooses alchohol over me.
Can't think of anyone else who'd make another choice.
I mean, it's not even asking that much a ride home, heck i'd drive if she wanted.
So now I have to take 20 odd dollars out of my savings account to pay for my ride home.

Sickness burried deep within my gut

and nothing seems to let it seep out.
Sometimes I just seem to wonder if it can simply be fucked out?
Escape all the self hate, loneliness and worthlessness in extacy?
Why is it that people only seem to want you when they have no one else?
Is it really to much to ask to be there for someone and have the same?

I can't help but feel unwanted these days.
Living with the family continues to get worst, Zane bitching all the time, Denise talking to me one minute and ignoring me the next. My parents only speak to me to half assidly ask how my week went and not listen to whatever the fuck I say, instead they bitch about my student loan or how i need to apply for more scolarships ( yeah i do, but i also need to do my homework so I PASS school). They only bitch about each other or money, but mostly both. But isn't that what makes the world go round? Not loving. Blood. Friends. Caring. But money. Cold hard cash is where it's at.

I can't even seem to entertain myself anymore, I just feel bored, bitter and resentfull. Watch the names pop on the screen, remeber all the faces who no longer talk to me. Sometimes wonder why I don't just talk to them, big mistake. Normaly a quick rejection or suddent death of conversation. Glue called and we discussed next weeks plans, which I'm looking forward too. Maybe we'll actually get past the part where everything just feels akward. Master called to, wanted me to go over ... he allways seems to be an issue. Part of me wants to go, naively sit and be friends like before, stupid girl. I know better, and I know that's not what it's going to be. Part of me wants it, a simple good time, no strings right? Not the case, of course I create my own strings of guilt and self contempt. I feel vile, cheap and used probobly because I am.

I'm no help to myself, lonely and hating anyone who bothers to talk to me for the wrong reasons.
Hormones maybe? Fuck it, maybe I should take a cheap roll in the sack it works for all of them doesn't it? But I know that will create twice as many problems, after all sex is allways an issue with you isn't it. I wish I knew why, and how to fix it.. but i never figured that much out. And then there's The Pumpkin King, I don't know what's going on there but I know sexing someone will not help that in anyway. I feel sick, I haven't beeen eating. Why is it that even if I try it all still comes back to get me? These fucking issues never leave.

At any moment the problems could come back, markings, bingeing all of that shit. Nothing ever goes away. As I was discussing with Apple, What the fuck happened to all us? And why did we all get so fucked up from one little event? I know people say their world got turned upside down, but it really happened. Nothing stayed the same, things that should never change did. And it still effect us even today, but why? The worst part is, it's not actually him or I that matters here. I don't miss Rotten, relationships or love, it's everyone else. Is that wrong? I did love him, more than I'd thought possible, but now it all means nothing to me. Should it? I miss his mom more than anything in the world (besides maybe karen), that's not the way it's suposed to be.

All these fuckign questions, remaining unawnsered since that day.. heck questions from that kiss on my 16th are still unawnsered. What the fuck is going on here?

Tension builds

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Media studies essay!!!
Working, at work.... pysche exam.Stress.ARG!

Ok, now seriously... This essay is only 2 pages and should be fairly easy.. But it's not.
WTF is wrong with me? I'm suposed to use reader responce theory to review the film Children of Men. Easy right? No, not easy. Because I am an idiot!!

GAH! Why can't I think... ok, not suposed to talk about liking or disliking the film.. but respond to it..........................................................................................................................................................................................

yeah... see those dots? Thats my brain waves, I am comatos. Braid Dead. A vegetable if you will.
Why can't I think of what I'm suposed to write for this thing?!?!?!?!
Fuck. Fuck.Fuck.
And my coworker John just asked me what I was doing.. and then pointed out the obvious
"So you doing pointless work instead of something that will benifit you in societe."
Why yes.. yes I am. Because writing about how I am an idiot and unable to think about my assignment is possible.. were as me finding a way to do it, is not.

GAH.
T.T


Why do I not feel better after writing this?
Oh yeah. Because I still can't write the essay!
WGSJHIRHRJKEWNJKLFdhiudfduihnkf!

Still more on the phone,

I hate the false promises it offers and holds.
The broken words of the ones who were there until the end.
The last of the good boys, the ones you could trust.
The boys who accepted you, the one's you nurtured and helped.
The ones who were in this things for you, and not what you keep between your thights.
Turns out they don't have time for you when things get rought.
But you know that fucker sure as hell will ring when their balls are in a pinch.
Cowards.
Every last one of you.
And I shall fall for it no more.

Hurry

someone say something distracting/funny, anything to make me feel better.
Last period, debate group with rob and crew,not fun. Lots of gross sexual meanings and bitch ass school girl gossip and male chest pumping. -_-

Then cue Lee end of period dissing his ex. I think gross was the word used. Real nice man, the girl with whom you shared that adolescence experience. I'm no fool, I know its not magical or for true loves..but one month you give away your self to someone and the next month that someone who equally gave themselves to you, your quote on quote "first" is gross? Fat?ugly? Does this really make you feel any better?
Pricks.
God damn it, I was ready to start breaking things.
Then who breeze's by me, Karen and Nick. Arm in Arm, neither notice me nor the hello until I'm long past. It's taking all my will right now not to start punching things. God I want to.
Settled for a few quick kicks to some paper stacks and lockers.
Hardly satisfying.
I tried, I did.. for someone to difuse me. But no one's around.
I don't know, I just want a shoulder to lean into or those necks to break.
I don't feel good, and I feel worst feeling it alone.

Cook 'em Rare

Due to the Fact that this Blog isn't sent to Facebook, I have a feeling it may turn into mostly rants and angry out bursts.
I.E. A Bitch station where I'm gonna take out everything. So take things with a grain of salt.
I'll be saying things I don't entirely mean and stuff i'd never do etc.
Such as saying I want to Punch Graeme (Satan is a nickname i'll use if people start reading this etc).
Reasons I will be saying this: I AM annoyed at the way he's acting.
He IS hurting me with alot of his actions.
I do sometimes feel so overwhelmed and angry I get the urge to hit him.
But, obviously I never would what with my against violence and how dispite everything.. he is still my friend and soon enough he'll probobly be back to friendness and this will be in the past.

It's like what I said about Andrew (Condom) and then followed it with a comment about how friends aren't really there until they need you. Andrew is having a bad time with stuff, and I wouldn't have it any other way then him coming to me and being able to confort him. I live for that kinda stuff. I want all my friends to be able to do that, regardless of our standings, even Graeme could come up to me tomorow and need something, I'd be there. That said, I still do feel kinda hurt about what happened on the Weekend and the abandonment feeling etc isn't gone.
I love my friends.
I'm allways there for them, whenever.
But I still can't help but a feel a bit betrayed and hurt with the way I don't seem to matter until I become usefull to them.

Kidnap Mr. Sandy Clause

Well here it goes I guess, i've started this thing so I should make a real post.
Good news:I got the feed working and this thing won't be going on Facebook like LJ

Not sure really what to write, today was pretty mundane.
Not bad, not good.

I've been more or less annoyed and sad all day, obviously not aided by the parents.
Angus pissed me off today with his stupid questioning and constant msn comments, denise stayed at work so her annoyance was delayed. She's home now, making up for lost time :sigh: First words she comes home, walks to the other side of the house to yell up at me
"Amanda Come put away my groceries!"
-_-
Yeah, hi mom, nice to see you too, how was your day? Oh mine was good too, yeah. oh whats that you want help with your groceries,well i am kinda busy but i guess i could help you.

Graeme is still pissed at me for god knows what reason, so he's being a bitch all day. Usual ignoreing me, walking with his head down, not awnsering when you talk or say hi, pretending he doesn't see you etc. Ben's on the only respond if you cornered mode. God damn, boys sure are fun.
>.>
Poor Andrew tho, is having some hard times so I got to see him.
I love it when my friends have problems, I actualy get to hear from the bastards and I gain some value.

Funny how important you become when people need you, eh?
By the weekend Graeme will have apologized and be wanting to get drunk here, ben will tag along and they will both ignore me for some Prostitots.

God, I'm so Glad Kcam is coming to sessions tomorow, i need it <3.