Mother Fucker

It's 4 Am in the damn morning, and I haven't gone to sleep.
Nor have I gotten anything done, or been productive in ANY stretch of the word.
I haven't even posted anything of great significance or had much web based social (except a convo with BT which is always awesome).

I haven't packed, or sewn or mailed.
I haven;t even checked my mail.
I leave in two days, I don't even know if I got into chemistry yet.
I cannot sleep because I have too much to do, a new life to get control of, things I need to be on top of.
The school hasn't even begun and I'm already behind, is this maybe a sign I should just drop out now?

I mean seriously I cannot even commit to a TV show or Anime Series... I bought fucking death note and am on episode 3, Ego Proxy hasn't been started and I've fallen way behind in Nana.. not to mentioned the billions of others. I haven't FINISHED a book since school ended.

I don't even have all my stuff back from friends.
Nothing is packed.
Nothing.
What the fuck am I going to do?

Sit here and worry, maybe cry it seems.
Not much else seems to be within my grasp, get away from here out on my own somehow it just doesn't seem like that can last.

Summer days

You know what? I think I am going to keep my job during the summer. I'll start out part time, switch into full time if I get too bored.. and then when vacation time comes (if I can't get Vegan the Gathering and the PEI road trip off, or anthrofest or anything else I really want to do.. then i'm just gone). Actually, Maybe I'll switch to full time and then opt back to part time if need be.. course the thing there is after becoming full timer once more. Part time positions may become obsolete, and then it will be ulitimatim time again. Stay, or Quit.

Heck my mind will probobly change within the next hour, but for now.. i'll stay.
It's for the best i think.
Course I also have to vist the school more often this summer ;) <3.

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In regards to last night.. it was well.. the past.
But I've come to realize i'm stronger now, more in control, barely but more than before. Things didn't get that bad, although I still found myself wanting them too at times. Damn Id, i guess.
In the end my super ego came out on top and still feeling guilty as allways, but the Id got a little something too. I figured out something odd about myself tho.. for the first time ever.. I've grown possesive of my bed, and sharing it isn't as pleasent as i remeber. Not sure what it was really, but for some reasons alot of the cuddles and attention rolled right off. My knees weren't weakend, my pulse quicken and for once I was thankful for my short fuse.

I'm still struggling with whither to feel empowered by my reactions or disabled. I could have sworn a few times when he embraced me, the toxins pumping through my veins wanted to push his off and walk away. It seems I am in fact free, no longer his easily manipulated slave.. but I'm begining to wonder if I've become cold and unfeeling towards his pain. I don't want to be powerless, but I don't want to be unfeeling either. The idea of pushing someones affection away, or not caring or believing in their pain is foreign to me.. I'd like it to stay that way. But somehow It seems as if my plate has a taste for the distastefull and an appetite for shame.