Friday, May 18, 2007

Sometimes you just can't help it

Things that make me uncomfortable:

10:Shoping for clothing when there is a "helpful" sales person. Asking how your doing in the changing room, if you need a bigger/smaller size and tell you what they think of the clothing. I just don't like and they make me feel akward.
9:Reading in class. Odd. Because I can read out loud, I don't perticularly care what people think about my reading but i sometimes choke and mess up stupid words and look dumb. Which is fine, because everyone else who reads does it too.. but i guess it just add fuel fire to the mean side that allready has enough amo. My throat/muscles tense and I can feel my body worrying about it as I read. Stupid but true.
8:Wearing skirts/dresses. I can't sit or move properly in them, i don't like my legs and keep waiting for someone to make fun of them. oh, and you know I probobly flash 20 people a day in one of them.
7:When I run out of things to say. Seriously it happens and I can't do anything but think "WTF?! how did YOU! run out of something to say? You run your damn mouth a million miles a minute for years. Idiot." Especially when this happens with new people, or people I haven't seen in a while. It's like omg! i haven't seen you forever!! :never ending slience:
6:Making phone calls. I'm not sure why, i choke up shake and feel horrible uncomfortable, but i love when people call me. Weird eh? I guess I assume that they don't really wanna talk to me or w/e and I'm bothering them or making them upset. stupid, but true.
5:Randomly droping by someone's house, or not having a final i'm on my way now, ok see you there. I can't do it, I will chicken out and risk not being able to see them if I can't confirm again that it's ok and they want me over/to come get them. But I love when people do it to me. Its again because I assume something came up, they aren't home, changed their mind, don't want to see me, didn't ask their parents, will regect me, slam the door, forgot about a project or a billion other reasons.
4:Guy's Mothers. Mother's of any male when encountering a new female aquatence of her son will pick her apart and size her up in everyway. She will also assume something "romantic" in nature is going on, or soon will be. If this is not the case, she will still keep the idea in mind. To a mother, every female is a posible Daughter in Law, so she is judged and either approved or disaproved of. So far, It seems I gain the approval, which makes alot of things easier and brings up further issues. I.E. the part where something romantic is happening or will be soon, and if they approve of said girl, something has to happen so they get her as the daughter inlaw. Mother's judge, meddle, assume and never forget. And you can tell when their doing 98% of these things. Its awful and I really dislike it, dispite the love I have for many a friends awesome mothers.. they still due this and it has lead to feeling akward.
3: Mirrors, I hate them. This probobly comes from the bad self image, but I can never tell when I'll look and see something normal or something disgusting. The later one is the usual out come and leads to lots of not goodness. But I guess it may just be left over emotions from the disorder.
2:Sex. No seriously. Most sexual things lead me to be extremely uncomfortable, for all the perv, jokes and braging or w/e.. I'm terribly affraid of contact and being made fun of. Seriously, I'm like hiding under the sheets, lights off, crying don't laugh at me uncomfortable horribleness. Oddly, this sometimes goes away.. but it's still pretty much there.
1:Trusting people. This may relate to a few of the previous ones.. but I can't help it but part of me allways assumes everyone hates me and is trying to find a way to hurt me. Obviously, I know this isn't true but it makes it alot harder when little things seem to illustrate this voice's point.


B.A.D. said...
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B.A.D. said...

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