The master plan

I have concluded that in order to implement my evil plan of owning an orange kitchen aid mixer, I will have to get married.

Married people get all kinds of kitchen loot, whats more you can register and increase profits exponentially. Now all I need to do is go around asking random strangers to marry me until one of them says yes.. or a better idea would be to ask people I already know. I should make a list of vegan prospects, start form the best and work my way down.

My this is my best idea yet.

"You don't want to go down there"

I already made a post on LJ, you can find it in the above link. Since this is a little more private and personal (i.e. most people don't bother to read this).

I just keep googling and searching for information on it. Animal rights groups, people who know or care or anything... I just can't function right now. I don't know why. I have seen unimaginable cruelty that has been captured and brought into the light, I know the facts... but I'm so shaken. I just keep going back to how cold the steal was, how sharp and how real everything is.

And then comes all the hate, searching dal and animal rights or dals site and you come across so much of it, it makes me so sick and sad. "I've said it once, and I will say it again. Animal Rights Activists are crazy" accusal slander and everything, every which way. Hippy freaks, softies, and what have you. I've always been alienated but this stuff just gets to me, I don't know if I can find anyone to talk to about how I feel... it seems like even AR people or my online friends would scoff at the reaction i'm having. I knew all major universities, I knew dal was a major university, but i've lived her for months.... i've been to the labs.. there just wasn't anything there.. no room for the animals. It just couldn't be happening hear. But it.

And whats worst event he people who care about animals, don't seem to mind. Fuck, I don't know what i'm trying to say and I don't know how to articulate what I feel or what I feel. Its just shock. Sick, vile ill feelings mixed with confusion and loneliness. I can't just sit back, but the though of it paralyzes me. What can I do how can I help? Am I strong enough to volunteer there? To check things out? Can I handle that? would I even make the cut if I tried?

Can I protest? Would anyone care? Would i be more alienated and alone? does that even matter? Is a protest enough? Can I sit and write letters knowing how down the hall or downstairs its happening? I have a chemistry exam tomorrow that i'm probably not ready for but i can't even think or function or sleep. I need sleep.. but it's just so awful.

There is just so much hatred. Hatred for all the people who stand up for animals or who care, how do you face that?

I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I really feel more alone then ever. I don't know what any of this means.. but i'm going to stop writing.

Homecoming approaches

Shit.Shit.Shit.
I am going home soon, in two weeks. First term is over, shitty school marks and stressing aside, when I go home Master is going to want to hang out. I'm worried, particularly these past weeks things are getting a little out of control for me. I'm falling, and failing and I need something to land on or grab hold of. no socializing, no sex, no dating, no human contact.

Let's just say there are some cravings, not all the naughty kind either. the closeness, or love, the familiar. I know once he finds out he'll want to "just hang out" and I don't think i'm strong enough for that. But at the same time, why refrain? For once, he isn't dating a friend, before I left he confessed to me and asked me out. I don't have anyone else, and should really stop fooling myself over this summer love shit. Because there's nothing there, first crush or not, nothing will come of it. So why not just do it? I'm a modern age woman, I don't even like the idea of monogamy so why the restraint? Why the fear, the feeling that I'll be worst off...

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

I have chem lab at 8am tomorrow.
I cannot figure out what we are supposed to write for this chem lab write up, due tomorrow before new lab.
None of my teachers will check their e-mails about it.
No one on the discussion board posted any answers, and no one is responding to my posts.
I don't know anyone in my Chem Class.
People in the same Chem Class, Different times aren't responding to any e-mails or facebook attempts all day.
I am tired.
And Getting Sick.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

Wasted Day. Bah

So I slept all day, fuck. Got up around 11:30 watch secretary. Great movie. Awesome love story, hot as heck, funny as hell. Been feeling up and down.. really. Showered, watching six feet under.. for the past while.

Still no word from Dos, I can't get a hold of him, what a waste of a day. I feel as if I should be angry or something... annoyed at least? I don't know... I just wish I had a way to reach him. Maybe I just want to feel sometime normal, or recognizable.. even.

I was just looking forward to seeing an old friend, to talk to.. or even to talk. I haven't eaten yet.. maybe i should go get some shit mailed.. or go out to dinner or eat. I don't want to miss a call though. That's what I've been telling myself all day. Heck, I even got dressed dressed.

Heck even go read for school... I feel like I'm wasting away. I really like snow.

I have no idea what this post is about... i think I just want to waste time until I have to sleep or get a call. Or at least something to say what came up or... something. I just feel really silly.. and like I may be this way for a very very long time.

I just feel... really down. I feel like I'm about to cry and honestly there's no real reason. I just feel extremely alone.
And I can't seem to remember the simple portions of my math and I just wanted to get some fucking work done so this week isn't as miserable as the last few... but I just can't.. It's like even when I try, I always come up short.

I feel as if all I need are a few examples to look at or something and it will all click, but it's so frustrating to not be able to find anything that explains this shit. No centers will be open until Monday, and my questions are stupid clarifications. Why do I feel so hollow? Like some huge laughing stock failure.

I also looked through some photos from the gathering and my last party, now not only am I missing things I've lost for good, but things I'm simply missing now. I miss my friends. All of them. And I want my crush to fade. I seem to want a lot all of a sudden..

What the fuck is going on?

I feel so out of wack with everything, I'm getting angry over things. My room stresses me the fuck out. sigh maybe I should take a page from adam's book and just look up appartments and think about how much better next year will be. But then I start to think about what if it isn't? you know? i mean how many years did I spend thinking how much better it would be once I got back here?

I'm here now? and.... well you know the just of it. I mean what if it doesn't help. What if even with a nice space, human contact, real food, what if I still can't make it. Or worst what if we can't afford it? I mean adam and I together is still a pretty penny, it's doubtful either aaron or john will leave rez. And I'm fairly certain Adam isn't to comfortable about the whole non-aaron or john roomate.

I mean sure now, my parents are willing to give me the cash I need for it. But who knows with them, this is probably a fleeting whim. Or worst maybe adam's going to decide he doesn't want me around, then how fucked would I be.

Then again, maybe I'm just being the huge pessimist i always am and everything will turn out fine.