How odd someone recently visited this url to search the word "hate" and they are using Opera...
Anyone care to confess?
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
What a surprise
I'm alone and feeling stupid and sad again. I'm also facing the fact that whatever friendship/support there was with ben is obviously gone or maybe was always just some vain kind of hope.
I really don't get how people have so many connections and friends here. I certainly don't get how I once had that, or how it could have ever been so easy.. does anyone remember the secrete?
Those past days of always having someone to bail out, someone to help out, someone to lift up and someone there to do you the same.
Really, when your stomach feels this familiar kind of sick, who do you have to call?
And who would you lean on?
What friendly voice can I hope for on the other end of the telephone?
I really feel like crying, but what good would it do?
I really don't get how people have so many connections and friends here. I certainly don't get how I once had that, or how it could have ever been so easy.. does anyone remember the secrete?
Those past days of always having someone to bail out, someone to help out, someone to lift up and someone there to do you the same.
Really, when your stomach feels this familiar kind of sick, who do you have to call?
And who would you lean on?
What friendly voice can I hope for on the other end of the telephone?
I really feel like crying, but what good would it do?
Monday, September 17, 2007
Watch her courage drip away, she won't post this on facebook.
You know I really hate it.
I've never been pretty, i know it and I'm fine with it. I'll probably never be pretty either, but It doesn't matter if I couldn't be pretty i settled for smart. The better trade off anyway.
So I worked hard and tried a lot, and made out with decent grades most of the time, I lacked the ease and grace of those around me. but I made enough outta myself to overcome my looks and numerous faults.
But i guess that all ends now. I'm getting my ass handed to me day in and day out by the reviews, the tings I'm supposed to already know in order to be here. I'm behind, confused and lost. I just cannot get a damn thing right, and it's leaving the bitter taste and impression that like I've always told myself, I'm not good enough. and i don't deserve to be here, so there it is my life's savings and work all amounting up into my failure at university.
I get it, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. I've lost it. The materials I used to glide through with ease are now impossible for me to grasp. My lifetime of savings and earnings barely dents my tuition and my debt grows by the second. I spent hours going over the same concepts, getting it doing the work and coming up with the wrong figures.
I feel stupid and pathetic getting John and Aaron to go over the same questions again and again, still getting less than my ideals. I was never pretty, but I was strong, tough, smart and capable.
Worst part is, and I see it now Ricky the lousy wretch that he turned out to be or maybe was, was a true blessing for me. And I was fucking lucky to get the scraps i got from him. One things for sure, he's the last. Nice of him to take me with my looks.
People don't date people like me, i was lucky for what little i got. Don't get me wrong, I by no means want him back and I can certainly see how defective he was too, his faults and imperfections. But real girls are thin, pretty, and nothing like me. I'm built wrong.
I don't miss him, but i can now appreciate how charitable he was for that short time, and thank him for his sacrifice.
Right now i just feel so horrible overwhelm and helpless. I'm cursing my inability and stupidity, and honestly just want to lay down against someone else and have the reassuring grip on something solid and real. Someones support and love that can be felt and brace myself against it, I want to lay down in someones embrace and be comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. Because as i walk these halls alone with my failures and lay here in the silence weeping, I can't help but start to see all my own very valid points. i am alone and a failure, and i probably won't ever succeed.
Heck, I can't even get this room cleaned, this laptop and pc running smoothly or a blog entry with proper syntax and not so many "ands".
I've never been pretty, i know it and I'm fine with it. I'll probably never be pretty either, but It doesn't matter if I couldn't be pretty i settled for smart. The better trade off anyway.
So I worked hard and tried a lot, and made out with decent grades most of the time, I lacked the ease and grace of those around me. but I made enough outta myself to overcome my looks and numerous faults.
But i guess that all ends now. I'm getting my ass handed to me day in and day out by the reviews, the tings I'm supposed to already know in order to be here. I'm behind, confused and lost. I just cannot get a damn thing right, and it's leaving the bitter taste and impression that like I've always told myself, I'm not good enough. and i don't deserve to be here, so there it is my life's savings and work all amounting up into my failure at university.
I get it, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. I've lost it. The materials I used to glide through with ease are now impossible for me to grasp. My lifetime of savings and earnings barely dents my tuition and my debt grows by the second. I spent hours going over the same concepts, getting it doing the work and coming up with the wrong figures.
I feel stupid and pathetic getting John and Aaron to go over the same questions again and again, still getting less than my ideals. I was never pretty, but I was strong, tough, smart and capable.
Worst part is, and I see it now Ricky the lousy wretch that he turned out to be or maybe was, was a true blessing for me. And I was fucking lucky to get the scraps i got from him. One things for sure, he's the last. Nice of him to take me with my looks.
People don't date people like me, i was lucky for what little i got. Don't get me wrong, I by no means want him back and I can certainly see how defective he was too, his faults and imperfections. But real girls are thin, pretty, and nothing like me. I'm built wrong.
I don't miss him, but i can now appreciate how charitable he was for that short time, and thank him for his sacrifice.
Right now i just feel so horrible overwhelm and helpless. I'm cursing my inability and stupidity, and honestly just want to lay down against someone else and have the reassuring grip on something solid and real. Someones support and love that can be felt and brace myself against it, I want to lay down in someones embrace and be comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. Because as i walk these halls alone with my failures and lay here in the silence weeping, I can't help but start to see all my own very valid points. i am alone and a failure, and i probably won't ever succeed.
Heck, I can't even get this room cleaned, this laptop and pc running smoothly or a blog entry with proper syntax and not so many "ands".
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Saying out loud really doesn't make it feel better.
I feel really stupid, weak and alone.
And I just want to crawl into bed and cry or into someones arms and just stay there.
I just have this overwhelming sense of inner cold. I feel utterly empty and just wretched.
It's as if my self worth, power, determination and everything that made me myself is gone.
And I am weak and scared.
Mostly afraid that for once I am afraid and afraid over what I may do to get something anything to make things seem better.
I feel a bad path approaching and some dumb choices.
When you need the worst kinds of comfort, where do you go to get it? And how badly will you be burned?
And I just want to crawl into bed and cry or into someones arms and just stay there.
I just have this overwhelming sense of inner cold. I feel utterly empty and just wretched.
It's as if my self worth, power, determination and everything that made me myself is gone.
And I am weak and scared.
Mostly afraid that for once I am afraid and afraid over what I may do to get something anything to make things seem better.
I feel a bad path approaching and some dumb choices.
When you need the worst kinds of comfort, where do you go to get it? And how badly will you be burned?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Helen Hill's America's most wanted Please watch!!!
Helen Hill's America's Most Wanted--this week
Hi Guys,
I've been informed that America's Most Wanted featuring the murder of Helen Hill will air this Saturday on Fox TV. I know it's not the greatest of shows, but if it helps to find who murdered her, then it doesn't really matter . Please tell folks to watch it, especially anyone you know in New Orleans.
Here's a link to a new article that was written in Canada:
http://www.helenhill.org/news/media/blogs/a/hdn_helen_article_25.8.07.pdf
<3
Hi Guys,
I've been informed that America's Most Wanted featuring the murder of Helen Hill will air this Saturday on Fox TV. I know it's not the greatest of shows, but if it helps to find who murdered her, then it doesn't really matter . Please tell folks to watch it, especially anyone you know in New Orleans.
Here's a link to a new article that was written in Canada:
http://www.helenhill.org/news/media/blo
<3
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