Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

I have chem lab at 8am tomorrow.
I cannot figure out what we are supposed to write for this chem lab write up, due tomorrow before new lab.
None of my teachers will check their e-mails about it.
No one on the discussion board posted any answers, and no one is responding to my posts.
I don't know anyone in my Chem Class.
People in the same Chem Class, Different times aren't responding to any e-mails or facebook attempts all day.
I am tired.
And Getting Sick.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

What the fuck is going on?

I feel so out of wack with everything, I'm getting angry over things. My room stresses me the fuck out. sigh maybe I should take a page from adam's book and just look up appartments and think about how much better next year will be. But then I start to think about what if it isn't? you know? i mean how many years did I spend thinking how much better it would be once I got back here?

I'm here now? and.... well you know the just of it. I mean what if it doesn't help. What if even with a nice space, human contact, real food, what if I still can't make it. Or worst what if we can't afford it? I mean adam and I together is still a pretty penny, it's doubtful either aaron or john will leave rez. And I'm fairly certain Adam isn't to comfortable about the whole non-aaron or john roomate.

I mean sure now, my parents are willing to give me the cash I need for it. But who knows with them, this is probably a fleeting whim. Or worst maybe adam's going to decide he doesn't want me around, then how fucked would I be.

Then again, maybe I'm just being the huge pessimist i always am and everything will turn out fine.

What the fuck is it that makes me such a bitch , just for having the nerve to stand up for myself?

Seriously? What the fuck is with you people? And I know I am just fucking pissed off right now, and this is a rant. Vengeance in written verse, pent up rage but honestly Fuck the three of your. I am so sick of this shit! First you have JM go off on me, when I really fucking needed it. Put me down for my faults, and how I'm struggling. Getting pissed that I didn't have a huge head start on my homework, well fuck you I have other classes and commitments. Not to mention I'm sure the three of you realy suffered without one night of your fucking tv. How many times have I been ready or wanting to watch and we had to wait for YOUR fucking shit. What my commitments are somehow less valid? Oh I see, I don't need to do home work if it competes with your precious whims. But you can game, or study till your hearts content and fuck me if I should make a peep. Then you wait for me outside class, make sure all resolved, that she's docilated. Won't cause a scene.

Well i have news I didn;t even want your fucking help. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just making a bad name for myself, because the lot of you have moved on. So the issues closed, right? Well fuck it. It wasn;t your issue to close, I'm certain the incident caused no shed tears on your end. And another thing why the fuck do you even bother to wait for me or have me over if you just intend to get annoyed make cracks and tell me to shut up. Who the fuck are you three to always but putting me down. Or telling me what to do? When to show up, how many episodes we're to watch? When I can't fucking leave?

I've leave whenever the fuck I want! Besides I was leaving to get homework done, remember the reprehend you sent me on that topic? Fucking pricks. I don't even care that I'm being harsh, so what? Why should I always consider your feelings or everyone else's? Its pretty plain no one thinks about what their saying to me or about me? No one considers how I might take your put downs. You don't have the right to treat me like that, you aren't any better than I am. So shut the fuck up. Pick apart your own flaws. Does it make you feel so big and special to tear and poke at someone else's wounds? Knock them down and kick them where you know it'll hurt? Or do you even bother to put any though into it? Maybe it's just how you feel or let me guess you didn't realize I felt that way? You didn't think I would be hurt? Play dumb?

I may not be as smart as you guys or get the high grades or money for school or mommy and daddy, yeah I don't have the same income and no this isn't a free ride for me and yeah I have to work at it. But I know enough to not buy your dumb, gee i'm sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way, well gosh amanda I had no idea you would be so hurt by our patronizing or putting you down? Well gosh darn boys, I never considered it that way? you're right I'm SORRY for speaking back, I'll just sit down and let you put me down to your hearts content. What's that shut up? oh, ok sorry masters. FUCK YOU.

I mean it really, I'm so sick and tired of feeling so put down only to have you guys, who claim to be my friends treat me like dirt. Telling me what I do and don't get, how slow I am, how I can't leave or was late, or did my homework instead of watch movies with you. I mean christ I haven't eaten all day, but no we can't take a few seconds for me to buy food. No "we" don't need any. Fuck you, what did i just say? I AM HUNGRY. I Haven't eaten all day, I want food. But of course that doesn't matter, what's someones health over your enjoyment. Seriously. How can you guys claim to care or be there with a straight face and then pull this shit? Yeah, I may be lashing out, but fuck it I'm tired of being hurt. Because that's what I am, hurt and put down by you guys even when we're all getting along. Always with these sideways jabs. Demands. commandements. I mean it. I have enough issues, problems and things to feel bad and down about. Trust me, I put myself down enough for the lot of us, you don't need to stick your fingers in every wound.

Arg

Well I just bombed another midterm, the last one will be chemistry which is one of the hardest but I'll study full time and go to help. Maybe just maybe if I know it all well enough I won't blank out on the test.

Fuck though, I was pretty confident with physics I mean come on I have a sheet FULL of all the info I need, step by step, so why the fuck couldn't I get it? I'm thinking maybe I should have just come down this year, sat in on lectures, bought the books, read and did practice problems off someone else's assignment, then maybe next year I would have been able to take the class and pass without wasting the money.

I have English now, and it's not really enjoyable anymore either. I really liked my prof but just really put me off when I sent her an e-mail inquiring how I could pass in my essay after I went and paid the 4$ to have it printed and going to her office to leave it for her, but the she wasn't there and her office was closed for the week. :sigh:
And I have that big essay coming up which apparently we should already be researching, plus normal assignments and this huge Bio lab after class I still haven't found answers to.

And I haven't eaten, I tried but the food in the cafe was too gross that I just couldn't and I severely lack the funds to go out, not to mention the time. I know it's no big deal and worst case I fail the classes and do it all again next year, but who's to say I can manage it then? I actually knew the materials for the last two exams, I aced the practice questions and then just blanked. I can't take any fewer classes or no loan, which means no money and no schooling. I love sciences, I really really do, heck I like English too. I even like learning and studying, but I can't afford to keep this up if I won't be able to make it pay off latter.

Maybe I should put some serious thoughts into other options, I've just never considered them so I have no idea where to look or start. Maybe I can just do enough activist work and get tossed in to jail every other year to survive. At least that would be enjoyable to do.

At least I still have life's little amusements..

Why aren't I in bed? I feel sicky, my head hurts and there isn't much going on.
I'm just sitting awake watching Safer Sex Trade and feeling icky, wishing i had someone to talk to.

My head really hurts, and it keeps happening a lot plus a sore gross feeling in my stomach. But the drunks have left, so thats a plus.

I had hoped to get my life and school work together by staying alone this weekend, instead i just feel a little icky. In reality i'm just realizing how far behind I really am, how behind and lonely.

I really wish i were made of stone and these stupid things wouldn't affect me or bring me down, instead i'm feeling hurt. Debating leaving school, abandoning my dreams, and dreadedly planing out the rest of my days alone.

On the plus side the funniest thought keeps popping into my mind as I try to think of what employment I could earn without any education and keep coming up with street walker or stripper. Then I meet a little person I'd like to call my reflection

What a surprise

I'm alone and feeling stupid and sad again. I'm also facing the fact that whatever friendship/support there was with ben is obviously gone or maybe was always just some vain kind of hope.

I really don't get how people have so many connections and friends here. I certainly don't get how I once had that, or how it could have ever been so easy.. does anyone remember the secrete?
Those past days of always having someone to bail out, someone to help out, someone to lift up and someone there to do you the same.

Really, when your stomach feels this familiar kind of sick, who do you have to call?
And who would you lean on?

What friendly voice can I hope for on the other end of the telephone?
I really feel like crying, but what good would it do?

Watch her courage drip away, she won't post this on facebook.

You know I really hate it.
I've never been pretty, i know it and I'm fine with it. I'll probably never be pretty either, but It doesn't matter if I couldn't be pretty i settled for smart. The better trade off anyway.
So I worked hard and tried a lot, and made out with decent grades most of the time, I lacked the ease and grace of those around me. but I made enough outta myself to overcome my looks and numerous faults.

But i guess that all ends now. I'm getting my ass handed to me day in and day out by the reviews, the tings I'm supposed to already know in order to be here. I'm behind, confused and lost. I just cannot get a damn thing right, and it's leaving the bitter taste and impression that like I've always told myself, I'm not good enough. and i don't deserve to be here, so there it is my life's savings and work all amounting up into my failure at university.

I get it, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. I've lost it. The materials I used to glide through with ease are now impossible for me to grasp. My lifetime of savings and earnings barely dents my tuition and my debt grows by the second. I spent hours going over the same concepts, getting it doing the work and coming up with the wrong figures.

I feel stupid and pathetic getting John and Aaron to go over the same questions again and again, still getting less than my ideals. I was never pretty, but I was strong, tough, smart and capable.
Worst part is, and I see it now Ricky the lousy wretch that he turned out to be or maybe was, was a true blessing for me. And I was fucking lucky to get the scraps i got from him. One things for sure, he's the last. Nice of him to take me with my looks.

People don't date people like me, i was lucky for what little i got. Don't get me wrong, I by no means want him back and I can certainly see how defective he was too, his faults and imperfections. But real girls are thin, pretty, and nothing like me. I'm built wrong.

I don't miss him, but i can now appreciate how charitable he was for that short time, and thank him for his sacrifice.

Right now i just feel so horrible overwhelm and helpless. I'm cursing my inability and stupidity, and honestly just want to lay down against someone else and have the reassuring grip on something solid and real. Someones support and love that can be felt and brace myself against it, I want to lay down in someones embrace and be comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. Because as i walk these halls alone with my failures and lay here in the silence weeping, I can't help but start to see all my own very valid points. i am alone and a failure, and i probably won't ever succeed.

Heck, I can't even get this room cleaned, this laptop and pc running smoothly or a blog entry with proper syntax and not so many "ands".

Some things just don't change

Nothing like a happy couple to make you feel like shiitake. Even better when their love chatting it up with their goodbye, come back for another housr, good night, return again. Loving bull shit.
Wow does this post sound bitter? Yup. I probobly don't really mind, it's just the hour and the realization that it has been over a year since i've had sex.. or play of any major kind. How depressing, I know I laugh and say i'll be alone forever but I was hoping that would be interupted so when I die with 50 cats people can say remeber the time she was with him/her.

And now there is someone from the net taking nude photos for me, yup I am officially a loser. More so than before. I can't web flirt, what am I doing... god I just feel like sleeping until 10 years from now.
I'm just down about alot of things I don't want to post here at the moment, well because their soo stupid I cannot even bring myself to type them. I haven't started my homework, I had the big game plan to over achieve the shit outta stuff to make up for my lack of friends and what do I do? Waste my time writing to no one. Heck there aren't even new PPK posts or much going on there.

I'm finally here in the city of my dreams, my city and I still feel like quiting.

Now to lighten the mood and because I actually think this list is funny

REPOSTED

Reasons Why I will Never have Sex Again.

9/6/07 12:55 am

21. Age
I'm at the age where males my age want younger woman and men older than myself are looking for long term mates, which they cannot see in a younger female of my age.
20. Halifax.
Is in the Maritimes, and no one comes to the Maritimes.. for anything.
19. Talking.
I would probably have to meet and talk to someone first, that is generally how this sex thing works right?
18. I have a roommate.
And therefore lack an area to perform sex in
17. General Lack of Physical Appeal
I am wide. Widely built, I have broad shoulders and am short. My bones are thick, hips are wide etc. Even my face looks too wide.
16. I am Short
Guys don't like/date or fuck short girls.
15. I am Weird.
It is really a miracle people even talk to me let alone desire to mate with me.
14. Small boobs
Ok, I know the bras say 38Cs, but well they are wrong. I have seen C's and these are not them.
13. Fat
I've got it and I'm to lazy to get ride of it, assuming it's possible.
12. Picky
I can be picky, and like to know people before I do anything...
11.Feminism/ I'm a Feminist
Most Guys don't like that, But I'm not going to forking change it.
10. I'm Stubborn
Everyone hates stubborness..
9. My inability to flirt.
I can't do it, and I have no idea how to go about such an endeavor if I where to ever find someone local to engage in it with. Or maybe I just don't think I can flirt ...
8. I'm too poor to but it/pay for it7. Veganism.
At least 70% of people are too busy trying to think up "People Eating Tasty Animals" jokes to ever consider sexing me.
6. The internet.
I spent way too much time on it, and reality/sex doesn't happen here.
5. They don't offer classes on flirting/sex/dating
Well not how to classes anyway, so I'd never get very far.
4. I think people will laugh at me.
Seriously.
3. I don't get crushes or feelings that would lead me to actively persue another being/Or they (Ok, the) doesn't work out.
Apparently, What I have now is known as one of those for mentioned crush things (not that I would know, I had it diagnosited by a friend). However, it sucks because I feel funny all the time and it wont work out due to distance, geography, age and it's one sided nature.
2. Inability To recognize Advances or Interests even if they should present themselves.
Those who know me, know how dense I am when it involves romance/flirting/advances and general interpersonal things that could lead to sex.
1. I am fairly sure I've forgotten how.

Why am I still awake?


Why is it I'm always feeling so down, so stupid and so alone.