confusion

A: well what do you want?
B.A.D.: I want to know what you want.
B.A.D.: Where I stand.
B.A.D.: What do you want?

A: i have no idea how to respond cause now i feel like iv been doing somthing wrong. to me you are very close. i dont know how elce to word it
B.A.D.: ... seriously tell me if i need to wait while you finish something.
B.A.D.: You haven't done anything wrong. I just want to know what you want from this.. or me..
B.A.D.: But I'm not going to pretend that 'close friends' kinda hurt.
A: yeh i know. i dont know what to say. we are not exactly dateing persay no idea how to word anyting
B.A.D.: not exactly dateing persay?
A: are we boyfriend and girlfriend?
B.A.D.: you are answering my questions with questions.
B.A.D.: :P
A well im not sure whats going on is all
B.A.D.: me either.
B.A.D.: Which is why I am asking you what YOU want to be going on.
A: not much honestly. if i can swing it maybe get around more. im easy to pleasethats why i asked what you wanted.
B.A.D.: So you don't want more.
A: i dont know
B.A.D.: oh
A: didn'y mean that in a bad way.
A: im just realy confused
B.A.D.: about?
A: your making me think
A i dont realy undrestand what im sapouse to do
B.A.D.: There isn't any, 'supposed to do'... I'm just trying to figure out what you want.
A not much as i said it dose not take alot to make me happy. im fine the way thins are, but if you want more just tell me. and in my experiance theres always a sapouse to do. i just never see it
B.A.D.: Well how are things now?
B.A.D.: Cause I'm not sure I know

"You don't want to go down there"

I already made a post on LJ, you can find it in the above link. Since this is a little more private and personal (i.e. most people don't bother to read this).

I just keep googling and searching for information on it. Animal rights groups, people who know or care or anything... I just can't function right now. I don't know why. I have seen unimaginable cruelty that has been captured and brought into the light, I know the facts... but I'm so shaken. I just keep going back to how cold the steal was, how sharp and how real everything is.

And then comes all the hate, searching dal and animal rights or dals site and you come across so much of it, it makes me so sick and sad. "I've said it once, and I will say it again. Animal Rights Activists are crazy" accusal slander and everything, every which way. Hippy freaks, softies, and what have you. I've always been alienated but this stuff just gets to me, I don't know if I can find anyone to talk to about how I feel... it seems like even AR people or my online friends would scoff at the reaction i'm having. I knew all major universities, I knew dal was a major university, but i've lived her for months.... i've been to the labs.. there just wasn't anything there.. no room for the animals. It just couldn't be happening hear. But it.

And whats worst event he people who care about animals, don't seem to mind. Fuck, I don't know what i'm trying to say and I don't know how to articulate what I feel or what I feel. Its just shock. Sick, vile ill feelings mixed with confusion and loneliness. I can't just sit back, but the though of it paralyzes me. What can I do how can I help? Am I strong enough to volunteer there? To check things out? Can I handle that? would I even make the cut if I tried?

Can I protest? Would anyone care? Would i be more alienated and alone? does that even matter? Is a protest enough? Can I sit and write letters knowing how down the hall or downstairs its happening? I have a chemistry exam tomorrow that i'm probably not ready for but i can't even think or function or sleep. I need sleep.. but it's just so awful.

There is just so much hatred. Hatred for all the people who stand up for animals or who care, how do you face that?

I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I really feel more alone then ever. I don't know what any of this means.. but i'm going to stop writing.