The master plan

I have concluded that in order to implement my evil plan of owning an orange kitchen aid mixer, I will have to get married.

Married people get all kinds of kitchen loot, whats more you can register and increase profits exponentially. Now all I need to do is go around asking random strangers to marry me until one of them says yes.. or a better idea would be to ask people I already know. I should make a list of vegan prospects, start form the best and work my way down.

My this is my best idea yet.

Letter to Fox Network/Broadcasting: Please save Dollhouse

I wrote them a quick e-mail, telling them how annoyed I am that Dollhouse is being put on hold for a month and an appeal for a third season.

If you haven't already, guys please tune into the show, tivo it, watch it on hulu and show some mad love for this series. Maybe even write your own letters, phone calls or e-mails.

Thanks

I just have to say that I was extremely upset and disappointed to learn that you will be withholding episodes of Joss's Dollhouse for an entire month. Surely, you have seen what an amazing program this series is. You have a really amazing opportunity to be part of something great, yet you seem to be consistently taking this for granted. Let's face it, the majority of your programing is just plain awful crap. Followed by remakes and re-packaging of the same crap. There is only one night a week I would ever dream of tuning into your network and that would be Friday nights for Dollhouse.

This series has so much potential, and its story is only just developing. You've seen the fan base Joss's series generate, the long lasting and loyal viewer-ship and fans his shows earn. The quality writing is something that is solely lacking from broadcasting today, and I would sincerely ask that you think about that when considering to re-new this series. It is worth it. Please re-new an amazing series and be one of the few networks to actually provide some quality broadcasting. I would hate to have my only reason for tuning into your station taken away. We all know these shows get better with time, please allow Dollhouse to get there and you will have thousands of thankful fans like me.

please carefully consider dollhouse's fate for the upcoming season. I will be anxiously awaiting novemeber's end so I can tune back in for my favourite program to return. And I hope it will continue to return again after that. Please, Please, Please give this amazing show a chance for a third season and keep your viewers happy.

Thank you for reading this and please remember that there are all kinds of fans who are hoping that you save this show.

-Amanda Dickie


With Love, Amanda Dickie
"As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together."
- Isaac Bashevis Singer,Writer, Nobel laureate (1904-1991)

E-mail to the No-Kill shelter who was going to kill my dog.

Yet again, this is shelter who was going to kill my lovely boy party because of temperament testing. I decided to write them about Party in the hopes that they might change their mind about killing adoptable animals on the basis of temperament testing, which is set up for dogs to fail. According to the test Party was positive for rough play, food aggression and possession aggression. He has neither.

And what is almost worst is that dogs who actually have these issues can be rehabilitated and become perfectly loving dogs too.

Anyway here is the letter:

Hello,

This is Amanda Dickie, you redeemed a dog to me last November he was a young rotti named Party. I just wanted to let you know that he is the sweetest dog out there. And despite what your tests may have indicated, he does not have possession aggression or food aggression. He met my mother for the first time on the ride home and was eating chips out of her hand the whole way back.

When we arrived home we had him sitting and waiting for his food, once or twice he jumped the gun and started eating before he had permission and my 54 year old mother was able to pull him back off his food with no protest. After he got settled here everyone approaches him while eating and he is fine. My mother and I regularly take his food dish from him while he is eating and he is just fine with waiting for us to give it back.

He is learning to take treats gently from people and whenever he is to rough we always take them back and try again until he gets it right. He has never growled, snapped or bitten anyone since leaving your shelter. We also have four cats, who occasionally eat out of his bowl and he will sit back and wait for them to finish. He is patience and still waiting for the day they all accept him.

There is a constant flow of new and strange people in and out of our house and party is excited and happy to meet everyone of them. He no longer jumps on people when they come to the door, and is happy when strangers approach him even when he is tied on outside the home. He also loves small children and is extra gentle around them.


He regularly brings his toys over to people to play and even if he's gone off in a corner to play alone will give up any toy when asked. Everyone at one point or another has had to take toy pieces out of his mouth. Our older and smaller dog is able to take any toy he is playing with and she occasionally eats out of his dish and he waits until she leaves to resume eating. Party and Claire (our older dog) share a water dish and he is usually left waiting for her to finish before he drinks. However, at times when he is drinking she will push her way in and they will both drink together. They eat and get treats next to eat other, Party is always last but he waits patiently and never tries to take hers away.

The more comfortable cats have begun drinking out of the water bowl while Party is drinking or sniffing them. And even when the tense cats hiss or swat at him he remains calm. He doesn't even bark when people come into the house.

He hates having his nails cut and teeth brushed but he remains calm during the whole ordeal. Even when I accidentally quick him.

This dog is one of the kindest, gentlest and friendliest dogs I have ever met. We do things to him that would have my older lovely girl seeing red. Kids pull his tail, blow in his ears and pull on his cheeks nothing bothers him.

We just wanted to pass along this message in the hopes that you might reconsider using temperament testing as it is an unfair system that sets perfectly adoptable friendly loving dogs up for failure.

Thank you,
Sincerely Amanda
506-849-3950
With Love, Amanda Dickie
"As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together."
- Isaac Bashevis Singer,Writer, Nobel laureate (1904-1991)


I just get so fustrated every time I think that they were going to kill him because he was "dangerous", "aggressive", etc. When he is the sweetest boy I have ever met. GRRR

Obama abandons shelter dogs

As some of you may have heard, Obama has back tracked on his promise to adopt from a shelter and has sadly gone to a breeder. I took some time to write him a letter and would suggest if this or anything else upsets or disappoints you that maybe you take the time to write one too.

I just wanted to let you know how disappointed I am that you went out and bought a dog from a breeder. There are plenty of hypo-allergenic dogs literally dieing for good homes across your country and you've signed their death warrant. Sir, you may only be one man, and one family providing a single home for your new dog and closing a single door for the other dogs in need, but with your example being broadcast globally your actions have far greater effects.

As the president people across this earth look up to you, and will likely be following your example. You had a real shot to make a difference, but instead you have let us down. Thanks to your example finding loving homes for homeless dogs across this country just got a lot harder.

Sincerely disappointed,
Amanda Dickie

p.s. Although the specific breed you are inquiring about may not be as common as abandoned pitbulls or labs, you are the president and any dog fitting your specifications would have been reserved, held and adopted into your loving home within seconds. So please do not try to blame this on it being to difficult, because for if finding a homeless dog in America is to hard for our president, then we are in deep economic trouble sir.

I don't write songs

Chorus:
Fuck you, and all of the things you do.
Fuck you, and everything about you.
Fuck you, Cause you know that I wanted to./I've wanted to.

Everyday have you running through my veins.
Because you know its you that i'll keep on running to.
Cannot seem to get you out of my brain.

The way you move, there is just something about you.
But fuck all that shit you put me through.
Cause I don't have time for you.

Or these games you love to play,
just cut the shit and say what you really mean
Oh, yeah I wishyou could just man up and say what the fuck you feel.

And when we said, our goodbyes
You know I thought of kissing you,
I planned it out but didn't occcur
Its for the best because I need to be rid of you

W.I.P.

For those who want to know (An incomplete history on Lalma)

I had this friend who's only social contact was me and my group of friends. She was bulimic, self mutalating, manipulative, told us a now believed fabricated story about another friend of ours sexual assaulting her (which we believed and she turned to me for help, so I had to sort all that out with him/keep him away from her etc. I nearly killed this friend of mine numerous times based on what she told us and convinced him to go along with.), she enjoyed drama creating it and having a fuss made about her, she enjoyed playing people off one another, she dated another friend of mine who when he told her she loved him she would say that was nice but she didn't care for him, she fucked with everyone going so far as to ask for my protractor while sitting in another friends lap in the student lounge and using it to gauge a line down her leg until I tackled her an pulled it away.

I received numerous suicide phone calls at all hours which I had to talk her out of, so far as to removing blades etc from her hands/body, she had a disagreement with my friend she was dating so to get her way she'd choke herself and when he tried to remove her hands from her throat when she turned purple she scratched his arm and dug her nails into her own neck. She told us her father abused her (which I actually believe), he is a local cop and we once had to go to her house to remove her from his custody. During this encounter he (a 6.4 foot large bulky man hulk) blocked the doorway, telling us to leave or we'd be charged for kidnapping. All the while she was standing behind him fighting for the door, crying "Amanda please help me!" ( a phrase she used a lot, because she knew the response it would get). She is a short, bulimic 15 year old at this time, he is holding her back with one hand while threatening us to leave. I refuse. We tell him we will leave when he lets her come with us, until he cools down. She's throwing herself at him and the door failing and sobbing for me to help her. He pushed her back into a wall, and opens the door a crack to come out and threat me. She slips out past him, grabs my shoulders and hides behind me, hands digging into my shoulders, I step forward to protect her as he comes out arms raised. He goes to walk around me to grab her, I side step him grabbing his out stretched arm away from her. Repeating he go inside, he gets angrier, looks as if he is ready to hit me and I ready to hit him back, my friend drew steps in and convinces him to allow us to talk to her alone. He hands him the car keys.

Eventually we get to take her with us, that night again she slashes her arms when I turned my back. Her parents take her back the next day. This goes on for months, until one day my Fiancee tells me he wants to see other people. Namely, he wants to see her. Apparently after he'd driven me home from a party when he went back she was there and wanted to talk to him about how her on again off again relationship with our mutual friend wasn't working and to discuss what was wrong with my relationship with him. This is the first time they've ever really talked, she mentions that she loves him. So he leaves me for her. Our entire friendship circle breaks apart, until a month later when she convinces him to throw a party to get the old gang back together, except without inviting me. All my old friends go to the party and become a group again, everyone now feels to awkward to talk to me.

She transfers to my ex's school. She shows up with a friend of mine to MY prom. My ex's prom is going on in the building next to this one, yet he is there alone and she is at my prom and dances with my date.

A year later I get an e-mail from her/that group of friends about how my ex-fiancee is hitting her. I try to ignore it. But she keeps asking for help, I call him and inform him to smarten the hell up and if he hurts her, I will beat him senseless. A few months later, she's sleeping with his drug dealer roommate. She eventually leaves him for the drug dealer. They have an on again off again thing. I run into him at a bar (never met before just heard about him), he informs me that he is supposed to hate me. Because the people he hangs out with want him too, that they tell him bad things about me and how awful I am. I walk away.

*This is the short version, I spared you the details.
I still get messages/calls from friends about her or about how they want to have a get together with her, my ex and me. Or about "why do you hate her?" etc. Although I do not hate her, I would just prefer she stay out of my life unless she needs my help with something. In which case, I simply want to help her fix whatever problem/issue it is and move onto our separate lives again.

Four Paws Inc Dog Toy result in dog's tongue loss (Warning Photos Behind Cut)

This is a heartbreaking story about Chai, 10-year old lab mix, who sustained a severe injury from a product that the company Four Paws Inc, produces on Sunday, June 22, 2008. The toy I'm referencing is the pimple ball with bell. (Item #20227-001, UPC Code 0 4566320227 9).


While chewing on the toy, a vacuum was created and it effectively sucked his tongue into the hole in the ball, his likely occurred because there is not a second hole in the ball preventing the vacuum effect from happening.

The following is a link to an animal treatment clinic that has also documented the same injury to a Shepard mix.

www.logcabinanimalhospital.com/index.php/toy-ball-stuck-on-dogs-tongue/

Chai's Owner sent this information along with the reference to Petunia the french bulldog to Four Paws Inc, and it is their position that there just aren't enough instances to do anything about this. She told their Insurance company's case manager that was not a good enough excuse, It was inferred that Chai's value wasn't much and that his pain and suffering don't count as he is just a piece of property.


This should never happen to another animal again!
I'M CALLING FOR AN INTERNATIONAL BOYCOTT OF ALL FOUR PAWS PRODUCTS UNTIL THIS PRODUCT IS RECALLED. We need your help, please take the time to make your voice heard.


Please copy/paste the following into the body of your email in support of this boycott and send it to the address below to let Allen Simon the CEO of four paws know your stand;



Mr. Allen Simon,

I am in support of a boycott of your company until you recall the product pimple ball with bell,
as it is designed is such a way that irreparable damage can be caused by its use.


hbirk@fourpaws.com

Chai's full story

memoir of a bad day

Do you ever forget your insecurities? The issues from your past? Those dark spots in you mind and heart?
Ever start to think, it's over and i'm getting through. I can be happy here, as things are, I need no miracles. And then one bad day, tiny string of events, hopes, expectations.... and it's gone. And your left alone, feeling sad.

That's what today has been.

New place featuring photos!!

Here it is... not unpacked still...




























































































Box army continues























Cookbooks and desk























Under the desk BOXES! Good thing my PC is still being held at the shop

I have moved!

Ok, so here it is all moved into the new place.
New Phone number 902.344.0291

I believe this too be correct...
1435 Seymour St
Halifax, NS
B3H 3M6
902.494.2075 (a house phone? maybe?)

Proper Mailing Address:

B.A.D. Dickie or Amanda Dickie
Room # 204
1435 Seymour St.
Halifax, NS
B3H 3J8


And yeah, I have a kitchen and 8 other house mates (Presumably all omnis, and so far all males).
The room is cool, actually the whole place seems sweet (way better then before) its just the classes starting, unpacking, cleaning, organising daunting tasks galore lie ahead... wish me luck!

The master plan

I have concluded that in order to implement my evil plan of owning an orange kitchen aid mixer, I will have to get married.

Married people get all kinds of kitchen loot, whats more you can register and increase profits exponentially. Now all I need to do is go around asking random strangers to marry me until one of them says yes.. or a better idea would be to ask people I already know. I should make a list of vegan prospects, start form the best and work my way down.

My this is my best idea yet.

"You don't want to go down there"

I already made a post on LJ, you can find it in the above link. Since this is a little more private and personal (i.e. most people don't bother to read this).

I just keep googling and searching for information on it. Animal rights groups, people who know or care or anything... I just can't function right now. I don't know why. I have seen unimaginable cruelty that has been captured and brought into the light, I know the facts... but I'm so shaken. I just keep going back to how cold the steal was, how sharp and how real everything is.

And then comes all the hate, searching dal and animal rights or dals site and you come across so much of it, it makes me so sick and sad. "I've said it once, and I will say it again. Animal Rights Activists are crazy" accusal slander and everything, every which way. Hippy freaks, softies, and what have you. I've always been alienated but this stuff just gets to me, I don't know if I can find anyone to talk to about how I feel... it seems like even AR people or my online friends would scoff at the reaction i'm having. I knew all major universities, I knew dal was a major university, but i've lived her for months.... i've been to the labs.. there just wasn't anything there.. no room for the animals. It just couldn't be happening hear. But it.

And whats worst event he people who care about animals, don't seem to mind. Fuck, I don't know what i'm trying to say and I don't know how to articulate what I feel or what I feel. Its just shock. Sick, vile ill feelings mixed with confusion and loneliness. I can't just sit back, but the though of it paralyzes me. What can I do how can I help? Am I strong enough to volunteer there? To check things out? Can I handle that? would I even make the cut if I tried?

Can I protest? Would anyone care? Would i be more alienated and alone? does that even matter? Is a protest enough? Can I sit and write letters knowing how down the hall or downstairs its happening? I have a chemistry exam tomorrow that i'm probably not ready for but i can't even think or function or sleep. I need sleep.. but it's just so awful.

There is just so much hatred. Hatred for all the people who stand up for animals or who care, how do you face that?

I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I really feel more alone then ever. I don't know what any of this means.. but i'm going to stop writing.

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck

I have chem lab at 8am tomorrow.
I cannot figure out what we are supposed to write for this chem lab write up, due tomorrow before new lab.
None of my teachers will check their e-mails about it.
No one on the discussion board posted any answers, and no one is responding to my posts.
I don't know anyone in my Chem Class.
People in the same Chem Class, Different times aren't responding to any e-mails or facebook attempts all day.
I am tired.
And Getting Sick.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.

I just feel... really down. I feel like I'm about to cry and honestly there's no real reason. I just feel extremely alone.
And I can't seem to remember the simple portions of my math and I just wanted to get some fucking work done so this week isn't as miserable as the last few... but I just can't.. It's like even when I try, I always come up short.

I feel as if all I need are a few examples to look at or something and it will all click, but it's so frustrating to not be able to find anything that explains this shit. No centers will be open until Monday, and my questions are stupid clarifications. Why do I feel so hollow? Like some huge laughing stock failure.

I also looked through some photos from the gathering and my last party, now not only am I missing things I've lost for good, but things I'm simply missing now. I miss my friends. All of them. And I want my crush to fade. I seem to want a lot all of a sudden..

What the fuck is going on?

I feel so out of wack with everything, I'm getting angry over things. My room stresses me the fuck out. sigh maybe I should take a page from adam's book and just look up appartments and think about how much better next year will be. But then I start to think about what if it isn't? you know? i mean how many years did I spend thinking how much better it would be once I got back here?

I'm here now? and.... well you know the just of it. I mean what if it doesn't help. What if even with a nice space, human contact, real food, what if I still can't make it. Or worst what if we can't afford it? I mean adam and I together is still a pretty penny, it's doubtful either aaron or john will leave rez. And I'm fairly certain Adam isn't to comfortable about the whole non-aaron or john roomate.

I mean sure now, my parents are willing to give me the cash I need for it. But who knows with them, this is probably a fleeting whim. Or worst maybe adam's going to decide he doesn't want me around, then how fucked would I be.

Then again, maybe I'm just being the huge pessimist i always am and everything will turn out fine.

What the fuck is it that makes me such a bitch , just for having the nerve to stand up for myself?

Seriously? What the fuck is with you people? And I know I am just fucking pissed off right now, and this is a rant. Vengeance in written verse, pent up rage but honestly Fuck the three of your. I am so sick of this shit! First you have JM go off on me, when I really fucking needed it. Put me down for my faults, and how I'm struggling. Getting pissed that I didn't have a huge head start on my homework, well fuck you I have other classes and commitments. Not to mention I'm sure the three of you realy suffered without one night of your fucking tv. How many times have I been ready or wanting to watch and we had to wait for YOUR fucking shit. What my commitments are somehow less valid? Oh I see, I don't need to do home work if it competes with your precious whims. But you can game, or study till your hearts content and fuck me if I should make a peep. Then you wait for me outside class, make sure all resolved, that she's docilated. Won't cause a scene.

Well i have news I didn;t even want your fucking help. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just making a bad name for myself, because the lot of you have moved on. So the issues closed, right? Well fuck it. It wasn;t your issue to close, I'm certain the incident caused no shed tears on your end. And another thing why the fuck do you even bother to wait for me or have me over if you just intend to get annoyed make cracks and tell me to shut up. Who the fuck are you three to always but putting me down. Or telling me what to do? When to show up, how many episodes we're to watch? When I can't fucking leave?

I've leave whenever the fuck I want! Besides I was leaving to get homework done, remember the reprehend you sent me on that topic? Fucking pricks. I don't even care that I'm being harsh, so what? Why should I always consider your feelings or everyone else's? Its pretty plain no one thinks about what their saying to me or about me? No one considers how I might take your put downs. You don't have the right to treat me like that, you aren't any better than I am. So shut the fuck up. Pick apart your own flaws. Does it make you feel so big and special to tear and poke at someone else's wounds? Knock them down and kick them where you know it'll hurt? Or do you even bother to put any though into it? Maybe it's just how you feel or let me guess you didn't realize I felt that way? You didn't think I would be hurt? Play dumb?

I may not be as smart as you guys or get the high grades or money for school or mommy and daddy, yeah I don't have the same income and no this isn't a free ride for me and yeah I have to work at it. But I know enough to not buy your dumb, gee i'm sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way, well gosh amanda I had no idea you would be so hurt by our patronizing or putting you down? Well gosh darn boys, I never considered it that way? you're right I'm SORRY for speaking back, I'll just sit down and let you put me down to your hearts content. What's that shut up? oh, ok sorry masters. FUCK YOU.

I mean it really, I'm so sick and tired of feeling so put down only to have you guys, who claim to be my friends treat me like dirt. Telling me what I do and don't get, how slow I am, how I can't leave or was late, or did my homework instead of watch movies with you. I mean christ I haven't eaten all day, but no we can't take a few seconds for me to buy food. No "we" don't need any. Fuck you, what did i just say? I AM HUNGRY. I Haven't eaten all day, I want food. But of course that doesn't matter, what's someones health over your enjoyment. Seriously. How can you guys claim to care or be there with a straight face and then pull this shit? Yeah, I may be lashing out, but fuck it I'm tired of being hurt. Because that's what I am, hurt and put down by you guys even when we're all getting along. Always with these sideways jabs. Demands. commandements. I mean it. I have enough issues, problems and things to feel bad and down about. Trust me, I put myself down enough for the lot of us, you don't need to stick your fingers in every wound.

Arg

Well I just bombed another midterm, the last one will be chemistry which is one of the hardest but I'll study full time and go to help. Maybe just maybe if I know it all well enough I won't blank out on the test.

Fuck though, I was pretty confident with physics I mean come on I have a sheet FULL of all the info I need, step by step, so why the fuck couldn't I get it? I'm thinking maybe I should have just come down this year, sat in on lectures, bought the books, read and did practice problems off someone else's assignment, then maybe next year I would have been able to take the class and pass without wasting the money.

I have English now, and it's not really enjoyable anymore either. I really liked my prof but just really put me off when I sent her an e-mail inquiring how I could pass in my essay after I went and paid the 4$ to have it printed and going to her office to leave it for her, but the she wasn't there and her office was closed for the week. :sigh:
And I have that big essay coming up which apparently we should already be researching, plus normal assignments and this huge Bio lab after class I still haven't found answers to.

And I haven't eaten, I tried but the food in the cafe was too gross that I just couldn't and I severely lack the funds to go out, not to mention the time. I know it's no big deal and worst case I fail the classes and do it all again next year, but who's to say I can manage it then? I actually knew the materials for the last two exams, I aced the practice questions and then just blanked. I can't take any fewer classes or no loan, which means no money and no schooling. I love sciences, I really really do, heck I like English too. I even like learning and studying, but I can't afford to keep this up if I won't be able to make it pay off latter.

Maybe I should put some serious thoughts into other options, I've just never considered them so I have no idea where to look or start. Maybe I can just do enough activist work and get tossed in to jail every other year to survive. At least that would be enjoyable to do.

At least I still have life's little amusements..

Why aren't I in bed? I feel sicky, my head hurts and there isn't much going on.
I'm just sitting awake watching Safer Sex Trade and feeling icky, wishing i had someone to talk to.

My head really hurts, and it keeps happening a lot plus a sore gross feeling in my stomach. But the drunks have left, so thats a plus.

I had hoped to get my life and school work together by staying alone this weekend, instead i just feel a little icky. In reality i'm just realizing how far behind I really am, how behind and lonely.

I really wish i were made of stone and these stupid things wouldn't affect me or bring me down, instead i'm feeling hurt. Debating leaving school, abandoning my dreams, and dreadedly planing out the rest of my days alone.

On the plus side the funniest thought keeps popping into my mind as I try to think of what employment I could earn without any education and keep coming up with street walker or stripper. Then I meet a little person I'd like to call my reflection

What a surprise

I'm alone and feeling stupid and sad again. I'm also facing the fact that whatever friendship/support there was with ben is obviously gone or maybe was always just some vain kind of hope.

I really don't get how people have so many connections and friends here. I certainly don't get how I once had that, or how it could have ever been so easy.. does anyone remember the secrete?
Those past days of always having someone to bail out, someone to help out, someone to lift up and someone there to do you the same.

Really, when your stomach feels this familiar kind of sick, who do you have to call?
And who would you lean on?

What friendly voice can I hope for on the other end of the telephone?
I really feel like crying, but what good would it do?

Watch her courage drip away, she won't post this on facebook.

You know I really hate it.
I've never been pretty, i know it and I'm fine with it. I'll probably never be pretty either, but It doesn't matter if I couldn't be pretty i settled for smart. The better trade off anyway.
So I worked hard and tried a lot, and made out with decent grades most of the time, I lacked the ease and grace of those around me. but I made enough outta myself to overcome my looks and numerous faults.

But i guess that all ends now. I'm getting my ass handed to me day in and day out by the reviews, the tings I'm supposed to already know in order to be here. I'm behind, confused and lost. I just cannot get a damn thing right, and it's leaving the bitter taste and impression that like I've always told myself, I'm not good enough. and i don't deserve to be here, so there it is my life's savings and work all amounting up into my failure at university.

I get it, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough. I've lost it. The materials I used to glide through with ease are now impossible for me to grasp. My lifetime of savings and earnings barely dents my tuition and my debt grows by the second. I spent hours going over the same concepts, getting it doing the work and coming up with the wrong figures.

I feel stupid and pathetic getting John and Aaron to go over the same questions again and again, still getting less than my ideals. I was never pretty, but I was strong, tough, smart and capable.
Worst part is, and I see it now Ricky the lousy wretch that he turned out to be or maybe was, was a true blessing for me. And I was fucking lucky to get the scraps i got from him. One things for sure, he's the last. Nice of him to take me with my looks.

People don't date people like me, i was lucky for what little i got. Don't get me wrong, I by no means want him back and I can certainly see how defective he was too, his faults and imperfections. But real girls are thin, pretty, and nothing like me. I'm built wrong.

I don't miss him, but i can now appreciate how charitable he was for that short time, and thank him for his sacrifice.

Right now i just feel so horrible overwhelm and helpless. I'm cursing my inability and stupidity, and honestly just want to lay down against someone else and have the reassuring grip on something solid and real. Someones support and love that can be felt and brace myself against it, I want to lay down in someones embrace and be comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. Because as i walk these halls alone with my failures and lay here in the silence weeping, I can't help but start to see all my own very valid points. i am alone and a failure, and i probably won't ever succeed.

Heck, I can't even get this room cleaned, this laptop and pc running smoothly or a blog entry with proper syntax and not so many "ands".