more issues

I have a pressing issue, i need to talk about and solve.
But I don't have anyone to talk to it about, which in itself is a piss off.
I posted about it, but not here.
It's related to a bothersome topic for me.
Fuck, I really wish I could think of someone who would be good for this, imparsial and not judgemental.

Sadly enough the only person coming to mind is Prepboy, less than reliable.. and lude.
Also part of it involves him and me never living something down.. so maybe not.

I must be crazy it never ends

Well Satan is talking to me again.
Starting today, the two month silence treatment ends for no apprent reason, in fact he was pretty damn nice and 100% back to his old self. I know I predicted and expected such a turn of events, but it still throws me every time.. I just don't get it.

In fact he actualy came here today, and you know came to speak to me etc, said bye as he was leaving and everything. Course he came to ask me to lie to his mom, told him I couldn't lie and to ask zane so he did, but as he was leaving he said bye.

Little things like that really get to you when you haven't heard them in awhile.
There is a concert at sessions tomorow which should be good, and Prepboy and Satan are coming to studying soo I guess it is just like old times.
For better or worst, I haven't a clue.

They also showed up again, later on to ask jason to come with them, he told them to get lost (^-^).

******************************************
In other news I have SOOO much to do, sewing the prom dress, making curtains, billions of little projects, books to read, recipe testing (which I have slacked on to no end) and AP exams/school work. God the school work and school reading... let alone all the books I want to get/read.
Jesus.

I can't understand that dispite all the shit I have to do, I constantly find myself doing nothing.. or wasting time.. and still somehow worn out and tired, I don't get it!
I go to bed earlier than ever, sleep in a little bit later and take lots of breaks, heck I've even started actually eating a bit better (getting some recipie testing done after all :)), drinking lots of water, heck I just ate some plain fucking almonds for a snack. And had my first glass of pop in a while.

School work: I need to read psyche and that book for english
Do my media studies essay
Study for my exams
And do my french final project
Oh and teach a class of cul tech at some point too... hmm.

Another oddity: Every so often at school it hits me that this is the last or one of the last times this will ever happen. The yearbook room, psyche class, harrasment by Ross or Perkins... everything is ending. I was allways aware and couldn't wait, still can't.. but I keep getting that ever so slight sadness and longing.. all the art classes i never took, theater arts and Todds other classes, Peircy, all my old high school friends I rarely see, my highschool grad friends I'm still with and don't see.. and I just fell as if i'm full of longing for more time, for past time, for a diffrent course.

I will miss everyone so much my heart aches, and then I realize I'm missing them know, and most of them are gone allready.. how far apart we've grown, or how close we were never able to be. OR even how close they all are to each other.

It's kinda funny.. 12 years later and I'm still the same outside I was back then.

So God hates the world

and apprently
"It wasn't my choice to do that. "
Nice.
Humanity has hope after all, because they all stand by and watch the slaughter.
Redemption is upon us after fucking all.
Gah, I hate bad moods.
And people.
I hate people.
Perticularly boys.
I hate boys.
How many times have I said that recesently?
T.T

After moments like these, you just can't help but feel pretty darm cold and empty.
Cold and alone.. seeps right in and sits with you, don't it?

Hung by a phone cord

God I really hate the telephone.
I mean really, really dispise it.
It's offers of false hope and it's taunting curve.
Right now I find myself staring at it through tear blurred eyes, wanting to pick it up, to call someone. Anyone... to not feel so shity and alone.
But honestly, who the hell do I have to call?
To depend on?
I'm one of the boys. No more real girlfriends, well Kcam she has soccer and I don't want to push my luck, i'd frankly be pretty lost without her.
Yes, sir. Just one of the good old boys.

To bad the selfish bastards never bothered to let you know;
Once puberty hits.
You're one of them no more.
You have to either fuck them or get outta there.
You can have no real friends.

Thanks for choosing to rub it in, fuckers.

Not so Hardcore

Well first news it would seem everything is magically better and everyone is back to normal.
I don't know why, I don't wanna pry and try and find out while messing shit up in the process.
So I just accept and enjoy the fact.

In other hardcore news, went to Graeme's metal show. Small turn out but it was still sweet getting to be so close to the bands and having everyone walk out. (Eye candy allways a plus too).
Kcam was there, although she hates metal it was nice to see her and hang out.. I'm sure she enjoyed some of it like watching prepboy in the mosh pit :P and joking with Christian and Graham M. Condom was there and creature showed up too, Dos, amy even Adam W was there (Hilarious btw). Good time all around, the bands were great. Rebeca's grave rocked (shirtless lead never hurts either), it was cool because I was siting back with Kcam as she didn't like the mosh scene, on the table rocking out (ok.. really just looking lame). And the guitar who I was talking to before the set came up to play for us, mid rift really sweet he came up and basically stood right over my knee and played for us. Which I think is perticulalry cool as we were pretty far off to the side lines. Little extra effort, it was nice to see.. and you know fucking awesome to have someone tearing a rift in fucing licking distance. Axe+hot guitarist in your face= awesome.

highlights inculde Prepboy moshing, which was hilarious and awesome and adorable.
He also came up behind me and shoved me forward then grabed my shoulders and pulled me back, which confused me because Gwyn had been standing right behind me and I had no clue what she was doing. Oh yea, Gwyn showed up too, and SHE headbanged for me (Donnie, Amy, Kcam and Christian all wouldn't T.T). So gwyn and I stuck it out, the last band really had no one but Rebecca's Grave got into the mosh pit which was awesome.. and I swear their other guitarist is like related to nigel.. spooky resemblance.. only you know long sexy metal hair and smaller.

All was cool, and good. Condom left early because once creatuyre showed up he thought it would be cool to drive off a table and deliver a flying elbow to Condom's temple. So he was pretty shaken.

Gwyn and I hung around, spoke to some bands and took all the recycleables and shit. Went home, turns out she couldn't spend the night which sucked but we were gonna watch a movie. Then got an IM from Condom, he was in bad shape confused, alone and shit. Dizzy, he wasn't doing well. So we went to get him, he was a bit delierous, rambling, twitching and just general shifty shit. So we drove him to the afterhours clinic (he didn't wanna go so we lied and said we had to get something from school, he didn't really know what was going on anyway).

Kept saying not to let him fall asleep because he didn't wanna go into a coma. Turns out the fucking after hours place closes at 8pm (WTF?!?). So back to my house we went, he was still not doing good. Worried I called my neighbors/doctors at like 11pm >.< she said she couldn't diagnoist over the phone BUT If he was not himself/confused dizzy etc he need to go to emerge.
So.. Gwyn who had to be home at 12am (cue 11:30 when we desided no risks, in we go).

Took 40$ from my mom, and headed in. Best part of the evening the parking lot have the damn stick thing partway down, but cue gwyns kick ass tiny car we drove right under it, the back got a bit bumped but it was awesome. So basically I filled out forms, got what info I could from condom and we sat and waited. Gwyn stayed until around 12, after he'd gone in to see the nurse and had to wait until they called him to go see the doc/x-ray or w/e. She peeled, 20 mins later her mom calls the cell I say she's on her way. Cue waiting until fucking 3AM!!! Before we get into see a damn doctor. Well 3am until we got into the doctors room, another 30+ mins until a DOCTOR came in. Fucking Saint John Emerge. Anyways, turns out by that time Condom was pretty coherent and we just needed to see if he could go to sleep or not.

The doctor came in, confirmed he had a concussion and was glad I would be supervising him all night. Informed that if any vomiting or comfusion/bleeding occured to come back in. He didn't think there was any bleeding in the brain, so that was good and he opted out of the scan because the radiation could be harmfull and Condom seemed to be on the mends.

Doctor time 20 mins.
Called a cab (33$ Fucking dollars, rip off bastards).
Waited until practially 5, the cabby asked for cash up front gave him 40$ he said he'd give us changed when we got there -_- and then took the long way to my place and needed directions.
Then he asked me what he owed me (I admit it I looked fucking shady as all hell, but you can't rip me off cocksucker I'm sober and allways will be).

Got home, in bed by 5:30 for some reason now that i was in bed 100% fucking awake. Got up at 7, rolled over until 8. Showered, dressed, grabed food, drove Condom home (doing much better, head still hurt but that obvious wasn't going away) and came to work. On mother fucking time.

Boo yeah.

I'm on my 3rd cup of cold coffee.. I think It was made yesterday and just left there, but fucked if I care.

Love's The Funeral of Hearts

I do care.
fuck it, I can't hide from it in that damned dingy gymnasium as the hot salt pours down my face.
I get it, I was wrong. I can't stop caring, I can't protect myself. The tears keep falling and I see them siting there, laughing, joking and I just want to get up and kick them both square in the face.
For their insolence
For all this pain
How little they do care, about anything.

I do care, in fact I care a damn lot. I care when they leave, in their drunken stumble, keys torn from my hands and I'm left again, alone and cold. The feeling is overwhelming as the screen cries tears of mothers and sons, M.A.D.D. Drunk driving: No one wins.
There I sit in the herd as alone as ever. Keep watching ... keep remembering.
Those cold nights.
You glare at their chuckling backs. They don't care, or even speak to you. Yet none of this changes how you feel about them.
Nothing changes the heart ache felt if they were gone. He acts as if he hates you, maybe he does, ignores and mistreats you even hurts you, but thoughts of them laying dead still plague you.

Waking up in cold sweats with blood soaked hands. Wake up again, colder than before.
Night after night you see the two you love leave. Pull out of the driveway and burn rubber as your left crying inside.
You're never there when it happens and you never will be. You don't drink, or even drive, your not with them, but you still see.

The car engulfed in flames, their blood and the crumbling metal. The glass, blood soaked and holing strong against their struggling screams.
Their trapped as they burn, your siting at home.
You will never ever be there to pound your bloody hands in vain against the burning glass. Your skin will never bubble as it slides off the molted handles in vain as you try to open the car doors.

But there in your dreams, your hands burn and bleed every night, you never succeed. You just keep beating your blood soaked hands against that damned glass. You watch them scream. Some nights the glass breaks, and you grab the hot shards with your hands, desperately pulling them away. You bleed and reach for them, flames engulf you arms, burning them. You never save them, they continue to burn. Once you managed to get hold of him, free his corpse from the mess, and the other burned while you did. Both die, each night.
And at home you weep, because you know you'll never get the chance to burn your hands.
To try.

You wake up each day knowing that the day the dreams become reality, the day those you love burn alive, you will be sitting as you are in your dreams, alone at home, crying. The cop will come to your door and tell you it's much too late and you will weep.

And every day will be spent forever wishing you'd been given the chance to burn your hands.
But you were at home,
helpless,
guilty.
Knowing you weren't there when it happened, no last chance to help them, and knowing worst of all that they were there because of you.

I can't even begin to describe the anger felt as all the memories of all those nights they pulled away. The nights he yelled at you, demanding his keys. Those nights when he was "fine to drive". And worst of all, all those same nights you caved.
All those nights you got yelled at, scorned, cursed, abandoned and your cried. All damage done.
AND STILL YOU LET THEM LEAVE.

So in the assembly you sit, silent, alone and crying. As guilty as the rest who laugh and joke, only your not laughing. You sit and silently hope that something will click, that they will see all the pain, and it will matter to them. And they'll stop, they'll be safe.

You love, but your alone. You can't think of why you care, but your overwhelmed with the fact that you do. Love that's choking you. You can't stop and it hurts. God damn it you love them both so much, they'll never know, it hurts. You feel alone. Y0u care and it gets you no where, nothing in return, they just ignore you but you don't learn.

Is this what love is? to be hurt?

To have your heart riped out with every breathe. To give everything on a daily basis, the absolute power over you, the power to hurt you? Do they really know they hold your heart?
Is love to stand still and silent while they fake full advantage.
to care all the while, to cry. To worry to the point of annoyance. Wake up in the cold sweats and be ignored the next day in the hallway. To give your all and protect them, despite how much they anger you at times.
They never asked for your affection, perhaps they don't want you love. But you can't stop it? Is that how it all works? Is love to be resentful and hateful of how they hurt you? How you care so much for them, and they care nothing for themselves?

Honestly,I'm not sure ... but I do agree with one thing love is.
the funeral of hearts.
To love is to open your heart up to be destroyed.
To kill it and bury it, at the hands of those you love.
Because it hurts you and you can't escape it, you don't want it,
but it's there. Yielding to no one, no reason nor logic. It exists where and when it's unwanted, undeserved and enjoyed. You have no control over when, who, where or anything else.
In the end it will kill you and rip out your heart every time.
It is to be vulnerable.

Siting in my unmentionables Part 1

Gotta post at least one positive memoire in here, after all its those that I really want to remeber.
Also I think I'll write up another blog, use it as my happy memoires journal, save the trees and all.

Tonight was a great evening, took my lovely date ladies and we went to see You Ain't Nothing But a Werewolve, and gave adam and aaron standing O's (only the three of us stood and we embarassed kcams lil sis :P). It was a great show and everyone did an awesome job.
Also Adam W, Kcam and I went to sessions which also rocked (thanks to adam s for the ride and lauren for her guest appearence!). We talked about old times, the class, and how everyone used to be. Andrew crying when he lost at gym, Rob grant crying over just about anything.. ahh childhood.

One of those remeber the time when.. kinda convos, it was kinda cool to remeber how close knit everyone is. I mean.. just think that everyone in our highschool were kids we each new in elementary or they knew a friend of a friend, part of the perks and curse package that comes with rothesay I guess. Also kinda sad at the parts were people change, curupt for the worst and all that. None the less a good day all around, heck Prepboy and I talked all french class too.. so it seems everythings on the rise. Except Graeme.. but I guess I have to learn until the PMS wears off theres not much I can do.

The show was great I got kisses (and the marks to proove it) curtisy of T <3. Seen amy, alex, julie,adam, adam,aaron,kerrie,john, alison everyone! It was great! Alot better than we expected, great work allaround. Even tho Aaron and Adam tried their hardest to ditch and ignore us when serving time came, we eventually got out own private show :P. Even managed to throw them off with the sexual tension comments and all. Great time.

Lauren, Kcam, thanks for the awesome evening and great memories.. I really should be doing homework...

Most wonderful Night of the year

... or so they say. Man I love song lyrics as titles.
Here's something i've been writing up on the pc about prom.

Being the logical person I am.. I made a list.

heres the file

PRom
Cons:
No one to hang with
No friends going
No dress
No money for dress
Bad music
Bad food
People who don't really like me
nothing to do
I'm cheap
Look bad in dresses
Hair etc cost alot
No friends here (cept maybe kcam, she's not going)
No date.. ok half true i suppose technically i have lots but see the part where no one likes me
Why bother?
I really don't have any friends, as usual i'm being played. I wonder why i asked her who she was going with

Pro
Only one prom
I do have an army of dates lined up
Kcam is now going
Adam needs me to buy him his dress :P
I'd like to believe that i do have friends in this town

There's something about this psycho ride

Why do I do it?
Does anyone know? Constantly and forever talk to the people you know you shouldn't? Its like there name is just there on the contact list waiting for you to click it, and then you do. You say hey, they actualy respond. and now your fucked.

And the internal bitch takes over, sarcasim left right and center, your saying ever mean thing that comes to mind while asking youself what the fuck your doing? Honestly, I can see myself, inside my head, siting there going wtf is going on? Who's authorizing this shit? Stop saying that? This is a bad idea, don't do it... ok really thats enough back off, stop that.

But it just goes on . . . See if this happened BEFORE they all got pissed, I would 100% understand why they want nothing to do with me. Gawd. It's still going on... Dispite the legitimate reasons for it and the truth hidden under the heavy coat of massive bitch.. I need this to go away.

I really hate that part of being me.

I should be doing homework and cleaning, why am I still on here?

Kidnap Mr. Sandy Clause

Well here it goes I guess, i've started this thing so I should make a real post.
Good news:I got the feed working and this thing won't be going on Facebook like LJ

Not sure really what to write, today was pretty mundane.
Not bad, not good.

I've been more or less annoyed and sad all day, obviously not aided by the parents.
Angus pissed me off today with his stupid questioning and constant msn comments, denise stayed at work so her annoyance was delayed. She's home now, making up for lost time :sigh: First words she comes home, walks to the other side of the house to yell up at me
"Amanda Come put away my groceries!"
-_-
Yeah, hi mom, nice to see you too, how was your day? Oh mine was good too, yeah. oh whats that you want help with your groceries,well i am kinda busy but i guess i could help you.

Graeme is still pissed at me for god knows what reason, so he's being a bitch all day. Usual ignoreing me, walking with his head down, not awnsering when you talk or say hi, pretending he doesn't see you etc. Ben's on the only respond if you cornered mode. God damn, boys sure are fun.
>.>
Poor Andrew tho, is having some hard times so I got to see him.
I love it when my friends have problems, I actualy get to hear from the bastards and I gain some value.

Funny how important you become when people need you, eh?
By the weekend Graeme will have apologized and be wanting to get drunk here, ben will tag along and they will both ignore me for some Prostitots.

God, I'm so Glad Kcam is coming to sessions tomorow, i need it <3.