Some things just don't change

Nothing like a happy couple to make you feel like shiitake. Even better when their love chatting it up with their goodbye, come back for another housr, good night, return again. Loving bull shit.
Wow does this post sound bitter? Yup. I probobly don't really mind, it's just the hour and the realization that it has been over a year since i've had sex.. or play of any major kind. How depressing, I know I laugh and say i'll be alone forever but I was hoping that would be interupted so when I die with 50 cats people can say remeber the time she was with him/her.

And now there is someone from the net taking nude photos for me, yup I am officially a loser. More so than before. I can't web flirt, what am I doing... god I just feel like sleeping until 10 years from now.
I'm just down about alot of things I don't want to post here at the moment, well because their soo stupid I cannot even bring myself to type them. I haven't started my homework, I had the big game plan to over achieve the shit outta stuff to make up for my lack of friends and what do I do? Waste my time writing to no one. Heck there aren't even new PPK posts or much going on there.

I'm finally here in the city of my dreams, my city and I still feel like quiting.

Now to lighten the mood and because I actually think this list is funny

REPOSTED

Reasons Why I will Never have Sex Again.

9/6/07 12:55 am

21. Age
I'm at the age where males my age want younger woman and men older than myself are looking for long term mates, which they cannot see in a younger female of my age.
20. Halifax.
Is in the Maritimes, and no one comes to the Maritimes.. for anything.
19. Talking.
I would probably have to meet and talk to someone first, that is generally how this sex thing works right?
18. I have a roommate.
And therefore lack an area to perform sex in
17. General Lack of Physical Appeal
I am wide. Widely built, I have broad shoulders and am short. My bones are thick, hips are wide etc. Even my face looks too wide.
16. I am Short
Guys don't like/date or fuck short girls.
15. I am Weird.
It is really a miracle people even talk to me let alone desire to mate with me.
14. Small boobs
Ok, I know the bras say 38Cs, but well they are wrong. I have seen C's and these are not them.
13. Fat
I've got it and I'm to lazy to get ride of it, assuming it's possible.
12. Picky
I can be picky, and like to know people before I do anything...
11.Feminism/ I'm a Feminist
Most Guys don't like that, But I'm not going to forking change it.
10. I'm Stubborn
Everyone hates stubborness..
9. My inability to flirt.
I can't do it, and I have no idea how to go about such an endeavor if I where to ever find someone local to engage in it with. Or maybe I just don't think I can flirt ...
8. I'm too poor to but it/pay for it7. Veganism.
At least 70% of people are too busy trying to think up "People Eating Tasty Animals" jokes to ever consider sexing me.
6. The internet.
I spent way too much time on it, and reality/sex doesn't happen here.
5. They don't offer classes on flirting/sex/dating
Well not how to classes anyway, so I'd never get very far.
4. I think people will laugh at me.
Seriously.
3. I don't get crushes or feelings that would lead me to actively persue another being/Or they (Ok, the) doesn't work out.
Apparently, What I have now is known as one of those for mentioned crush things (not that I would know, I had it diagnosited by a friend). However, it sucks because I feel funny all the time and it wont work out due to distance, geography, age and it's one sided nature.
2. Inability To recognize Advances or Interests even if they should present themselves.
Those who know me, know how dense I am when it involves romance/flirting/advances and general interpersonal things that could lead to sex.
1. I am fairly sure I've forgotten how.

Why am I still awake?


Why is it I'm always feeling so down, so stupid and so alone.

That girl you don't see her round no more

I'm running on no sleep, no coffee, no water and no food.
i am under hydrated, undercaffinate, underslept.
I think my insomnia is coming back, yesterday was one of the best days since returning from the magic that was the gathering, I remeber I was actually happy when the lights went off and my head hit the pillow, but it is allways during those crucial times when the mind wanders before sleep that we are most vulnerable.

After these 19 years of being strong, maybe even hard, needing no one or anything and getting buy. 19 years of strength, I felt every last inch of it dwindle and die last night. I thought of all the good times last week, and the good times of my past, my friends who meant more than the world, more than family and blood. I remebered where they all are now, who do I tell my secrets too? The people I confided in, talked to, god we talked about everything, their all gone. And then the emptiness set in. How these last few weeks with family are taking an extra years worth of toll, divorce, fighting, immaturity, yelling. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually growing apart from them as well, funny I didn't realize there was anything to grow apart from with them. I can't talk to them, or lean on them.

And I felt really alone. Dispite the people I just left, for some reason we never reached the point where we can talk about anything, or rather where I can talk about anything. Seems to be the one thing about me, anyone can tell me anything.. I like that. What I don't like, is how I no longer have that support group that I can have the same feeling of support, guidance maybe. I suppose there's the PPK, and I love them all, truely. It's just... I don't think I've ever been able to truely feel the miles between people, as I can with them.

Grade 9-10 the old group, the table, those are times I truely and sorely miss. But even if I seek out the memebers of my past, I know what was there is dead, and I lack the medical and social knowledge to bring it back. I thinkt hat maybe i'm not good enough, to have them, or anyone. Friends in general. And it's back to childhood and inadequencies, something I guess I never really got over.

But i'm degressing, this is supposed to be a retelling of everything I felt and thought last night, in those hours of sleeplessness, when I willed myself to remeber, to stay in bed away from the paper, remeber and write tomorow, sleep now. But sleep never really came.

I felt cold, and alone. In this new house's lack of warm, maybe I hope the memories would stay within the wooden cofines of the house in which they happened, the first kisses, the sleep overs, confessions, love, video games and friendship. But they didn't. I can't remeber when I started crying, but it happened, strength and will melted into sorrow and weakness. Alone in my new world, with the prospects of leaving forever (finally) exciting adulthood and return to my home town, the city I love. The new life i've wanted ever since I arrived here just weeks away, and this place got to me again. Againts the cold walls of my new bed room my sides shook with tears and sobs, feeling alone as I ever had in this place. Wiping the water from my cheeks, thinking about how pathetic is was to be here, to lose out now when i'm so close. To actually maybe even fear my new life? That maybe it's not the awnser, maybe things won't get better, maybe it's just me.

I wonder if selfesteme is something i'll ever truely master, last week was a great boost in moral, mood, life and self worth. But then the reality of all i've lost, and thoughts of when that too will be lost came crashing in. Pathetic.
Worst still are thoughts of intimacy, gosh, how long has it been? Sure there are needs, wants, desires, lust even. But the thought of those needs ever being met again seems slim, perhaps the hormones or lust itself drove these crazy thoughts. I honestly sat and wondered, willed myself to remeber, how was it done, what happened? Sure the basic biology is a given, the feelings or sensations are vividly recalls, but I can't picture it. Or really even ever picture how it would be done again. Can you forget how to do it? Can you ever re-learn, or are you doomed to celibacy. A scary thought. Thinking back to it all I couldn't remeber anything positive, just his hands on me, violation and the memories of what happend with that chapter. I tried to stop it all, not to think to remeber to envision, but it all came back. And I couldn't get his hands off me, his touch lingered, his lies everything felt as if it were infecting me, making me ill, tainted. I felt gross, worst of all I felt weak. The mere memories or vague flashes, and all i could envision was myself with him and feel disgust and sorrow.

I cryed harder, and wondered where all my years of strength had gone. Where she was, or anyone, all the people I had once confided the world in. The people who kept me going, and the bonds we were so sure would last forever. I sobed until it was morning, lay down my head and thought of all the great friendships and people and what had become of us all.

Hurry

someone say something distracting/funny, anything to make me feel better.
Last period, debate group with rob and crew,not fun. Lots of gross sexual meanings and bitch ass school girl gossip and male chest pumping. -_-

Then cue Lee end of period dissing his ex. I think gross was the word used. Real nice man, the girl with whom you shared that adolescence experience. I'm no fool, I know its not magical or for true loves..but one month you give away your self to someone and the next month that someone who equally gave themselves to you, your quote on quote "first" is gross? Fat?ugly? Does this really make you feel any better?
Pricks.
God damn it, I was ready to start breaking things.
Then who breeze's by me, Karen and Nick. Arm in Arm, neither notice me nor the hello until I'm long past. It's taking all my will right now not to start punching things. God I want to.
Settled for a few quick kicks to some paper stacks and lockers.
Hardly satisfying.
I tried, I did.. for someone to difuse me. But no one's around.
I don't know, I just want a shoulder to lean into or those necks to break.
I don't feel good, and I feel worst feeling it alone.