What the fuck is going on?

I feel so out of wack with everything, I'm getting angry over things. My room stresses me the fuck out. sigh maybe I should take a page from adam's book and just look up appartments and think about how much better next year will be. But then I start to think about what if it isn't? you know? i mean how many years did I spend thinking how much better it would be once I got back here?

I'm here now? and.... well you know the just of it. I mean what if it doesn't help. What if even with a nice space, human contact, real food, what if I still can't make it. Or worst what if we can't afford it? I mean adam and I together is still a pretty penny, it's doubtful either aaron or john will leave rez. And I'm fairly certain Adam isn't to comfortable about the whole non-aaron or john roomate.

I mean sure now, my parents are willing to give me the cash I need for it. But who knows with them, this is probably a fleeting whim. Or worst maybe adam's going to decide he doesn't want me around, then how fucked would I be.

Then again, maybe I'm just being the huge pessimist i always am and everything will turn out fine.

What the fuck is it that makes me such a bitch , just for having the nerve to stand up for myself?

Seriously? What the fuck is with you people? And I know I am just fucking pissed off right now, and this is a rant. Vengeance in written verse, pent up rage but honestly Fuck the three of your. I am so sick of this shit! First you have JM go off on me, when I really fucking needed it. Put me down for my faults, and how I'm struggling. Getting pissed that I didn't have a huge head start on my homework, well fuck you I have other classes and commitments. Not to mention I'm sure the three of you realy suffered without one night of your fucking tv. How many times have I been ready or wanting to watch and we had to wait for YOUR fucking shit. What my commitments are somehow less valid? Oh I see, I don't need to do home work if it competes with your precious whims. But you can game, or study till your hearts content and fuck me if I should make a peep. Then you wait for me outside class, make sure all resolved, that she's docilated. Won't cause a scene.

Well i have news I didn;t even want your fucking help. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just making a bad name for myself, because the lot of you have moved on. So the issues closed, right? Well fuck it. It wasn;t your issue to close, I'm certain the incident caused no shed tears on your end. And another thing why the fuck do you even bother to wait for me or have me over if you just intend to get annoyed make cracks and tell me to shut up. Who the fuck are you three to always but putting me down. Or telling me what to do? When to show up, how many episodes we're to watch? When I can't fucking leave?

I've leave whenever the fuck I want! Besides I was leaving to get homework done, remember the reprehend you sent me on that topic? Fucking pricks. I don't even care that I'm being harsh, so what? Why should I always consider your feelings or everyone else's? Its pretty plain no one thinks about what their saying to me or about me? No one considers how I might take your put downs. You don't have the right to treat me like that, you aren't any better than I am. So shut the fuck up. Pick apart your own flaws. Does it make you feel so big and special to tear and poke at someone else's wounds? Knock them down and kick them where you know it'll hurt? Or do you even bother to put any though into it? Maybe it's just how you feel or let me guess you didn't realize I felt that way? You didn't think I would be hurt? Play dumb?

I may not be as smart as you guys or get the high grades or money for school or mommy and daddy, yeah I don't have the same income and no this isn't a free ride for me and yeah I have to work at it. But I know enough to not buy your dumb, gee i'm sorry I didn't mean it in a bad way, well gosh amanda I had no idea you would be so hurt by our patronizing or putting you down? Well gosh darn boys, I never considered it that way? you're right I'm SORRY for speaking back, I'll just sit down and let you put me down to your hearts content. What's that shut up? oh, ok sorry masters. FUCK YOU.

I mean it really, I'm so sick and tired of feeling so put down only to have you guys, who claim to be my friends treat me like dirt. Telling me what I do and don't get, how slow I am, how I can't leave or was late, or did my homework instead of watch movies with you. I mean christ I haven't eaten all day, but no we can't take a few seconds for me to buy food. No "we" don't need any. Fuck you, what did i just say? I AM HUNGRY. I Haven't eaten all day, I want food. But of course that doesn't matter, what's someones health over your enjoyment. Seriously. How can you guys claim to care or be there with a straight face and then pull this shit? Yeah, I may be lashing out, but fuck it I'm tired of being hurt. Because that's what I am, hurt and put down by you guys even when we're all getting along. Always with these sideways jabs. Demands. commandements. I mean it. I have enough issues, problems and things to feel bad and down about. Trust me, I put myself down enough for the lot of us, you don't need to stick your fingers in every wound.

You know the days aren't getting brighter when you no longer feel like dancing

WARNING: Huge speal on my day and how i've been feeling lately. It's all inner thoughts and shit, so it's not only boring but probobly whiny. It's almost a rant, be forwarned.

Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3

different times, I even managed not to cry those times and

aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall

before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall

is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought

about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts

escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance

to write.

Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane

tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was

pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in

french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19

years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without

anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay

in public etc.

School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.

Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was

bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a

bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution

is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.

I mean, take french class, I've been in french since

kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in

the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in

the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.

The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to

complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally

going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,

erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the

dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.

So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and

dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get

it, stop reminding me.

But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've

annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not

to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends

each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my

life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time

until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my

life and everything to help, to make things better for her..

but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That

she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still

lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.

I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about

Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply

because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was

a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone

else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a

degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the

change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and

hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm

sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell

myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much

less painfull.

Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact

I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and

Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.

I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.

Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and

dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when

I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I

feel like not are they just friends with them, but their

slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really

the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I

keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with

each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could

have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.

:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a

way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and

Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it

right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.

I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking

about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there

would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's

really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just

a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I

really don't wanna see you again.

I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with

having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e

and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the

friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more

about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that

way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I

never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes

I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.

But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a

friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,

probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for

someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life

with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was

wrong about it all anyway.

But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of

how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each

other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..

I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure

of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,

who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,

tired of it all and feel like giving up.

There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A

boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was

shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it

was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not

normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how

easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and

suddenly.
Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no

sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.

Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I

wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or

akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling

bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok

to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,

until my thoughts drifted to something else.

Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I

allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,

the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back

twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went

for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking

lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which

is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.

I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the

sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me

now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all

was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday

thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people

mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but

still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's

not their fault.

Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.

After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally

fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've

been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly

stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've

been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been

getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even

just sit with in a room.

Coping onlt minorly

ok so basically yesterday was yet another bad day in the sea of awful days.
Only worsten a bit.
Because now, i'm going to say it's pretty much final, i'm boned and have no one left.
I made a huge post on LJ after wards, right when Adam S and Kcam droped me off here.
After a terrible akward and silent car ride :sigh:. Remeber the days when I used to be able to clear up misunderstandings instead of silent cry in the back seat?
Good times.

Thankfull I managed to get it undercontrol long enough to thank them and invite them to sessions and to feel free to come on by for 24 as i'll probobly be home with nothing to do.
:cue closing the door: and then resuming sobing.

I hate allways feeling so damn down and hopeless, just once I want to know i have someone who's there for me and allways will be. And I want to be able to suck things up and not allways breakdown in tears. I've been crying everday since elementary, everyday I've lived in this damn town and I'm sick and tired of it.

Moral of the story, post, cry, pull covers over you head and lay and cry there until sleep insues.
I went to bed at 4 yesterday and slept until 7 this morning.. i still feel tired and shitty.
But i'm going to have to shower, get dressed and pretend to be happy once again to go to sessions.

Maybe dos is right and I do need to go on meds.
But even typing that brings back the sobing.
I'm just gonna shower before I wake up my mom again
I know how much she hates getting woken up by my crying

Siting in my unmentionables Part 1

Gotta post at least one positive memoire in here, after all its those that I really want to remeber.
Also I think I'll write up another blog, use it as my happy memoires journal, save the trees and all.

Tonight was a great evening, took my lovely date ladies and we went to see You Ain't Nothing But a Werewolve, and gave adam and aaron standing O's (only the three of us stood and we embarassed kcams lil sis :P). It was a great show and everyone did an awesome job.
Also Adam W, Kcam and I went to sessions which also rocked (thanks to adam s for the ride and lauren for her guest appearence!). We talked about old times, the class, and how everyone used to be. Andrew crying when he lost at gym, Rob grant crying over just about anything.. ahh childhood.

One of those remeber the time when.. kinda convos, it was kinda cool to remeber how close knit everyone is. I mean.. just think that everyone in our highschool were kids we each new in elementary or they knew a friend of a friend, part of the perks and curse package that comes with rothesay I guess. Also kinda sad at the parts were people change, curupt for the worst and all that. None the less a good day all around, heck Prepboy and I talked all french class too.. so it seems everythings on the rise. Except Graeme.. but I guess I have to learn until the PMS wears off theres not much I can do.

The show was great I got kisses (and the marks to proove it) curtisy of T <3. Seen amy, alex, julie,adam, adam,aaron,kerrie,john, alison everyone! It was great! Alot better than we expected, great work allaround. Even tho Aaron and Adam tried their hardest to ditch and ignore us when serving time came, we eventually got out own private show :P. Even managed to throw them off with the sexual tension comments and all. Great time.

Lauren, Kcam, thanks for the awesome evening and great memories.. I really should be doing homework...