You know the days aren't getting brighter when you no longer feel like dancing

WARNING: Huge speal on my day and how i've been feeling lately. It's all inner thoughts and shit, so it's not only boring but probobly whiny. It's almost a rant, be forwarned.

Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3

different times, I even managed not to cry those times and

aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall

before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall

is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought

about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts

escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance

to write.

Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane

tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was

pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in

french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19

years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without

anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay

in public etc.

School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.

Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was

bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a

bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution

is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.

I mean, take french class, I've been in french since

kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in

the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in

the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.

The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to

complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally

going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,

erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the

dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.

So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and

dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get

it, stop reminding me.

But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've

annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not

to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends

each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my

life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time

until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my

life and everything to help, to make things better for her..

but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That

she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still

lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.

I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about

Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply

because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was

a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone

else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a

degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the

change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and

hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm

sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell

myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much

less painfull.

Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact

I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and

Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.

I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.

Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and

dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when

I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I

feel like not are they just friends with them, but their

slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really

the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I

keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with

each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could

have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.

:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a

way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and

Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it

right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.

I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking

about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there

would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's

really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just

a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I

really don't wanna see you again.

I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with

having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e

and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the

friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more

about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that

way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I

never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes

I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.

But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a

friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,

probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for

someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life

with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was

wrong about it all anyway.

But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of

how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each

other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..

I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure

of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,

who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,

tired of it all and feel like giving up.

There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A

boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was

shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it

was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not

normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how

easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and

suddenly.
Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no

sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.

Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I

wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or

akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling

bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok

to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,

until my thoughts drifted to something else.

Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I

allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,

the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back

twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went

for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking

lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which

is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.

I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the

sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me

now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all

was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday

thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people

mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but

still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's

not their fault.

Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.

After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally

fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've

been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly

stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've

been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been

getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even

just sit with in a room.

Cook 'em Rare

Due to the Fact that this Blog isn't sent to Facebook, I have a feeling it may turn into mostly rants and angry out bursts.
I.E. A Bitch station where I'm gonna take out everything. So take things with a grain of salt.
I'll be saying things I don't entirely mean and stuff i'd never do etc.
Such as saying I want to Punch Graeme (Satan is a nickname i'll use if people start reading this etc).
Reasons I will be saying this: I AM annoyed at the way he's acting.
He IS hurting me with alot of his actions.
I do sometimes feel so overwhelmed and angry I get the urge to hit him.
But, obviously I never would what with my against violence and how dispite everything.. he is still my friend and soon enough he'll probobly be back to friendness and this will be in the past.

It's like what I said about Andrew (Condom) and then followed it with a comment about how friends aren't really there until they need you. Andrew is having a bad time with stuff, and I wouldn't have it any other way then him coming to me and being able to confort him. I live for that kinda stuff. I want all my friends to be able to do that, regardless of our standings, even Graeme could come up to me tomorow and need something, I'd be there. That said, I still do feel kinda hurt about what happened on the Weekend and the abandonment feeling etc isn't gone.
I love my friends.
I'm allways there for them, whenever.
But I still can't help but a feel a bit betrayed and hurt with the way I don't seem to matter until I become usefull to them.

Kidnap Mr. Sandy Clause

Well here it goes I guess, i've started this thing so I should make a real post.
Good news:I got the feed working and this thing won't be going on Facebook like LJ

Not sure really what to write, today was pretty mundane.
Not bad, not good.

I've been more or less annoyed and sad all day, obviously not aided by the parents.
Angus pissed me off today with his stupid questioning and constant msn comments, denise stayed at work so her annoyance was delayed. She's home now, making up for lost time :sigh: First words she comes home, walks to the other side of the house to yell up at me
"Amanda Come put away my groceries!"
-_-
Yeah, hi mom, nice to see you too, how was your day? Oh mine was good too, yeah. oh whats that you want help with your groceries,well i am kinda busy but i guess i could help you.

Graeme is still pissed at me for god knows what reason, so he's being a bitch all day. Usual ignoreing me, walking with his head down, not awnsering when you talk or say hi, pretending he doesn't see you etc. Ben's on the only respond if you cornered mode. God damn, boys sure are fun.
>.>
Poor Andrew tho, is having some hard times so I got to see him.
I love it when my friends have problems, I actualy get to hear from the bastards and I gain some value.

Funny how important you become when people need you, eh?
By the weekend Graeme will have apologized and be wanting to get drunk here, ben will tag along and they will both ignore me for some Prostitots.

God, I'm so Glad Kcam is coming to sessions tomorow, i need it <3.