WARNING: Huge speal on my day and how i've been feeling lately. It's all inner thoughts and shit, so it's not only boring but probobly whiny. It's almost a rant, be forwarned.
Funny thing about today really, I went to sit alone outside 3
different times, I even managed not to cry those times and
aside from smashing my head back against the brick wall
before french class (dumb idea, must remeber that brick wall
is hard). Of Course I fell apart on the walk home, thought
about alot of stuff too, obviously most of those thoughts
escape me know as they often do when I finally get a chance
to write.
Yesterday, dispte my amazingly happy news regarding my plane
tickets (free Denise is giving me her travel points) was
pretty bad aswell, that time I broke down and cried in
french. But boy am I getting good at this, I think after 19
years i've perfected the crying/sobbing in public without
anyone knowing. Soon it may be safe for me to actually stay
in public etc.
School has just really, really got me down. I hate school.
Just hate it all about now. Which coming from someone who was
bullied throughout it but loved it non-the-less this may be a
bad sign. It seems lately the soul purpose of the insitution
is to make me feel stupid and point out all my short comings.
I mean, take french class, I've been in french since
kindergarden, I can do french. I normaly score quite well in
the courses. But MME Levesque gives us this little fill in
the blank sheet and I'm completely lost and driven to tears.
The task isn't difficult, but I find myself unable to
complete a single word.
The rest of the class is filling in lines and I'm mentally
going through a thousand words, erasing and rewriting,
erasing and rewriting. I started looking things up in the
dictionary and the S and A dictionary, nothing.
So I'm getting more and more fustrated, feeling dumber and
dumber. And it's not like I need proof that I'm stupid, I get
it, stop reminding me.
But back to Today, I just seem to get the feeling as if I've
annoyed or pissed off the few remaining friends I have. Not
to mention the whole thing with losing more and more friends
each day. It's as if no matter how many times I rebuild my
life, restart, make new friends. It's only a matter of time
until they all floak away. I have no problem giving up my
life and everything to help, to make things better for her..
but to hear that things aren't really going that well. That
she's not happier, things are barely imporiving but I still
lose everything. Well it just doesn't float.
I mean, I remeber a time when Dos and I used to joke about
Duncan Ditching us for Rotten and E all the time. Simply
because the idea seemed so proposturous and unlikely, it was
a form of relief. Obviously it didn't make losing everyone
else any easier but it was a coping thing and it worked to a
degree. I know dos has grown past it, especially with the
change of Duncan actualy becoming friends with the pair and
hanging out with them. But.. I guess I never did. In fact I'm
sure with each group of friends, each relationship, I'd tell
myself the same jokes to make losing the others that much
less painfull.
Only thing is, one by one.. the same thing happens.. in fact
I think at the moment I'm down to Kcam, Mr. Ross, Perky and
Adam S who aren't friends with the pair.
I mean, it's not like I mind that thier friends with them.
Obviously they can be friends with whom ever they want, and
dispite how it sounds I don't really mind. It just hurts when
I start to feel left behind or second best, I guess. When I
feel like not are they just friends with them, but their
slowly leaving me and my friendship behind. And that's really
the part that hurts. I mean Prepboy and Satan, WTF? I know I
keep saying it makes no sence, and could never happen with
each friend I lose.. but those two, above all else I could
have sworn were 100% safe from that perticular heart ache.
:sigh: This all sounds so stupid, I just wish I could find a
way to explain how I feel and what goes through my head, and
Why I'm so hurt and sad. But It seems the only time I get it
right is when thinking, away from the keyboard or pencil.
I guess one of the main things today was just Andrew talking
about sunday. A) I work and B) him talking about how there
would be people there I probobly don't want to see. It's
really not that I don't want to see them, I guess it was just
a bit of dispapointment in the "let's just be friends" but I
really don't wanna see you again.
I know I say it all the time, but is it wrong to be "ok" with
having someone else take you fiancee/lover/boyfriend/love/w/e
and be fine with that? But then upset at losing the
friendships? It somehow seems wrong, as if I should care more
about than losing the friend. I don't miss Rotten in that
way, or any way related to that.. it sometimes feels if I
never really liked that part of it or wanted it. I mean, yes
I know at the time I did and it felt amazing.
But really it's the friendship i miss. I miss him as a
friend, and I miss all the other friends that left with him,
probobly more so than him. And that to me seems wrong, for
someone I loved and was going to spend the rest of my life
with, to have him put so far back on the list? Maybe I was
wrong about it all anyway.
But I digress, The sunday.. I guess it just hurt because of
how close I felt to andrew and how much where there for each
other, or used to be (try to be?). I'm not really sure..
I just allways feel.. used.
Second best and lonely.
So the schooling itself and the loneliness and being unsure
of everyone, who's mad at me who isn't, who really likes me,
who's pretending, who actualy wants me around? I'm just so,
tired of it all and feel like giving up.
There was a school shooting in Toronto today on the news. A
boy in grade 9, 15 years old, who didn't deserve to die was
shot. It's horrible and my mother was saying what a shame it
was.. I could help but wish it had been me. I know that's not
normal, but walking home I just kept thinking.. Imagine how
easy it would be, walking down this street like I am, and
suddenly.
Bang. Shot from behind, probobly not even on purpose.. no
sucide, minmum pain, no fear or hesitation, just dead.
Randomly, and pointlessly. But it all would end, and I
wouldn't have to go to school tomorow and cry. Feel uneasy or
akward, or walk around alone unsure of where to go, feeling
bad and dieing to talk to someone but not knowing who it's ok
to even say hi to. I thought about what a relief it would be,
until my thoughts drifted to something else.
Why am I so stressed about pointless stuff?And why am I
allways so down. I had to hear about sunday at least 4 times,
the highlight of my day was mr. Ross kicking me in the back
twice with his dirty crocs :). But Gwyn showed up and we went
for flaun. Which was awesome because i've been thinking
lately man i really wanna go to sessions with people, which
is probobly why the sunday thing got even more under my skin.
I think i've only been turned down a dozen times about the
sessions thing, sad that even those little things get to me
now. But seeing Gwyn was awesome and I got leftovers, and all
was good. Course I tried to talk to her about the Sunday
thing, not the best of ideas. I just hate knowing that people
mean well, and really didn't do or say anything wrong.. but
still being unbelievably hurt by what they do, even when it's
not their fault.
Can't help but feel sad, when left alone again in this house.
After sessions Gwyn and Geoff had to leave, which totally
fine and accpetable (obviously just like everything else i've
been saying) but it still gets you down a bit. I've probobly
stoped making any sence, and have been noting recently I've
been hanging out with my mom, not even because we've been
getting along. But I just need the social, someone to even
just sit with in a room.
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